Jealousy..and lack there of

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Sir and I are not monogamous. 

That was, by far, the hardest thing for this good little Italian girl to wrap her head around. 

For the majority of my life it has been slammed into my head, over and over, that if he’s not monogamous with you then she doesn’t actually care about you. If he did, wouldn’t you be enough? Why does he need the others? 

When Sir finally said I could be his, he had two stipulations. 1: We needed to see how my summer went and if I would have to go stay with my parents, for financial reasons more than anything else and 2: He had no interest in being monogamous with me. He was not emotionally invested in that way. He doesn’t get jealous

My Vanilla self and my Sub self immediately started feuding. 

Vanilla: That’s it! Walk away! You’re not going to get what you need, be done!
Sub: What do you mean you’re not going to get what you need? You are getting what you need! You belong to him. Who cares if he plays with others if you are the one who he owns? 
Vanilla: And if he decides to own others, then what? Are you going to be part of some harem? 
Sub: Now you’re just being ridiculous. It’s not a harem. And if he owns others we will adjust. We will learn how to cope with it and remind ourselves that we are still there. We still belong to him. 
Vanilla: And what if he sends us away? What if he chooses one over you?
Sub: He wouldn’t do that. He’s not like that. Now shut up and drink your coffee. You get so cranky in the mornings. 

Needless to say, my Sub and Vanilla sides still aren’t really on speaking terms about the monogamy issue, and the jealousy that it is supposed to bring along with it. I know when Sir plays with others. Usually, he tells me, and though he won’t go into grimy details he will tell me how it went, how she acted, etc. It has never been a jealousy of “dammit that’s MY MAN!” but there has been jealousy… more in the way of, “but I want that, too…” 

Sir and I have been working up to play very slowly. I am new at this, green as all hell, and he is properly training me. This is a beginning for me, the start of how I do want to live my lifestyle, and he knows that. I trust him entirely to be the one who trains me, and I will trust him later on when I have to leave to help me find another Dom where I’m moving to. It’s not exactly fairy tale romance, but it is extreme trust and a lot of affection. I adore, Sir. I dare to say I love him, but I am not in love with him and have no danger in reaching that point. It’s just.. not that type of relationship. I never pictured myself winning him over and walking down the aisle with him. However I do picture he and I remaining close for a very long time. Different, obviously, once my time as his submissive ends, but close all the same. 

The girls he plays with outside of me are far from inexperienced. The only time my jealousy creeps in is when I think about what they can do vs what I can do… but that’s a matter of an experience level. I’ll get there. I’m a baby in this world, between my age and my experience level, and I’ve grown to accept that. 

Last night, I spent the majority of the evening holding my breath. Something felt off, and I was nervous and jumpy while we walked and talked about casual, vanilla things. 

Eventually we ended up on my back deck, which is probably the largest area in my entire apartment and the most private space we could just sit and talk. I lasted in the chair across from Sir about two minutes before quit fighting the urge to drop to my knees and put my head in his lap. It felt so much more natural, more comfortable, and I started breathing easier. He is the only man that has ever played with my hair, and he does so frequently. It calms me down immensely, and he knows it. I let out a content sigh. He asked how I was feeling, and then we began talking in earnest. 

We talked about several key things, one being that yes, he was going to collar me and put me under contract in the very near future. Because of my living situation it would be month to month and have to be renewed, but I didn’t care. For a while I had given up on the thought of him collaring me. It didn’t matter the terms and conditions, I was going to be his, officially. Finally. 

Another topic he brought up was a bit harder for me to swallow. He told me that he had met up with an ex Monday night, and that sparks still flew. They were going to start dating. Alright. My brain processed that pretty well. 

And then he said that she would probably become his submissive. 

My heart raced. Vanilla voice started screaming. “See? See? You’re being replaced! He’s done with you!” 

Sub voice said, “Stay calm. It’s not that bad. Hear him out before you tailspin.” 

And so I did. He talked. He never stopped running his fingers through my hair. 

Sir explained that he wasn’t getting rid of me. He didn’t want that. But that their would be a hierarchy and she would be the peg above me. She would be the girlfriend/sub and I am the sub. It was a bit to swallow, at first. Vanilla voice tried to whisper, “am I not good enough?” 

Sub voice told Vanilla to shut the hell up. Yes, I was good enough. That’s why he was collaring me. That’s why I was his. That’s why he looked twice at a twenty two year old inexperienced young woman and said I could belong to him. What does it matter where I land on the hierarchy, as long as I am there? 

Sir doesn’t do monogamy. He’s not a jealous person, at all. The woman he will begin dating again has another on-and-off again long term relationship that she will be balancing along with his, and perhaps along with other dates. I don’t know. She was on another date while he was with me. 

I requested that he not collar her until after I leave. He heard me out, which I appreciated, and we spent the majority of the rest of the night with me either kneeling in front of him with my head in his lap or me in his lap curled up against his chest. I felt better. Vanilla voice had finally shut up and Sub voice was happy. Jealousy is still an issue for me..but not in the ways I thought it would be. 

Now I get to try and tackle explaining my relationship to my parents… THAT’S gonna be fun. 

-Rena 

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