Broken Trust

I feel like a fool, though not for the reasons that you may think. 

I mentioned earlier that my ex and I are best friends. I used to trust him with my life, and at one point eons ago I trusted him with my heart. Well, he broke that, we repaired the friendship, and have managed to be on very good terms.

I came to see him on Thursday evening. His family and mine are pretty good friends, have been since we were dating (two years ago, officially). My family is based on the east coast and they decided they were overdue for a trip out west. Well, part of the trip plan became coming to see their family friends, and taking my baby sister to Disneyland for the first time. 

The trip, for the most part, has gone exceedingly well. My parents are loving California. My baby sister got to experience Disney thanks to Sir and has been on cloud nine since, and the parents are at this point quite close friends, which is good to see. 

The problem has been my ex.

Jason has met Sir. He understands, for the most part, our relationship. He understands it’s not at all traditional, and that I like it that way, and has even admitted that it seems to be a fitting relationship for me. He watched, over time, as I became more submissive towards him. I would ask him to pick my clothing, or ask if I could clean for him. I would mention wanting to please him and would do basically anything he asked in bed.

Well, let’s just say Jason doesn’t think very out of the box. It was always very vanilla with a little extra rough handling. That was about it. He wouldn’t even blindfold me or tie me up…

I’m digressing. Recently, Jason started speaking to a young woman he was interested in pursing a romantic relationship with, not just sexual like we had. I supported this relationship, even though she lives 3000 miles away and is a single mother and he’s very… Immature. I want him happy. I love him a great deal and probably always will, but I do not want to be with him. He needs to grow up a lot and enjoy this budding relationship of his, and figure out how to navigate a long distance “serious” relationship.

We got back from Disneyland and I was exhausted. Jason wanted to drink a bit (as he does on Saturdays). I was sunburnt and sore and just wanted to sleep. Jason was kind enough to offer me his bed to sleep it, because the love seat I had been on wouldn’t allow me to stretch out my sore knees. And so I went and I passed out.

It was a foolish mistake. I went to bed in sweatpants and one of Sir’s shirts that I had been wearing like armor all weekend. I felt safe, covered. Sir was out with another woman that evening and it helped with missing him. I had made the mistake of mentioning this to Jason, and then quickly explaining for the millionth time why I wasn’t jealous. I belonged to Sir. I was his. Nothing else mattered.

I was woken up by my shirt being ripped off me and a body covering mine. Jason has always been flirty with me and playful, even with the new people in our lives, and every other time when I told him no he stopped. He thought. He didn’t cross a line.
I said no. I said stop. Hell, I even said “red” when neither of those things had worked and I found myself fully awkward and fully naked.

I went to sleep curled up hugging the tee shirt, completely confused as to what had just happened.

The next morning Sir knew something was wrong. I got several messages from him and just couldn’t make myself answer. I just stared at my phone, knowing I was going to have to tell him. I was going to ruin his calm morning.

I have never seen Sir angry. Have never heard him threaten another man. I now have orders to never let Jason and Sir near each other again, or Sir will probably beat the shit out of him.

The next day I confronted Jason about what happened. I asked
Him why he thought it was okay. His response was simple. That since Sir was with someone else Jason assumed I wasn’t claimed for the evening and that he could have me. Not that he ASKED. He just took.

I’m hurt. I feel… Dirty. I have a lot of thinking to do in terms of where my relationship with Jason stands. I was supposed to go down to see him next month for his graduation. Now.. I don’t know if I want to stay with him again. I don’t know if he can fix this, or if I’m always going to be on edge around him.

I want to get back to Sir. It seems silly… But I want to see for myself that he still wants me. That everything between us is okay. I will see him tomorrow…however it won’t be the most relaxing of meetings

He’s meeting my parents for dinner.

Oh yes. You had better believe that there will be a post about that dinner.

Yours a bit broken and confused,
Rena

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