I am a baby in the BDSM world.
If it wasn’t for the fact that I knew people pretty deep into the BDSM scene in New York I would probably be a fetus.
I was also a fetus raised by a conservative Italian woman.
Now, when I say conservative I mean old school, old world conservative. The only man my mother has ever slept with is my father. Before him she never went past upper body play with another man (I only know these things because after twenty-one my mother decided that we could be friends and share all our deep, dark secrets). My dad…well, he went to art school in Soho in the ’70’s. He was a bit of the opposite.
So, when Sir told me that one of his conditions of me being his was that he did not want monogamy my brain imploded.
It’s a vanilla tenant that has been bashed into my brain for twenty-two years, and probably the hardest one for me to tackle and dissect. I’ve broken a lot of my mother’s tenants when it comes to relationships. No sex until marriage? Oops. Don’t sleep with more than one person? Yeah… definitely broke that one. I’ve been around the block a bit. I can still count my partners on two hands..but I’m no virgin. Don’t get in just a sexual relationship with someone?
Well… sometimes college gets interesting.
The only one that stuck was the monogamy bit. Over and over I was told that if a man won’t stop seeing other women just to be with you, well then he isn’t good enough for you. It means you aren’t enough for him, and he’s just not worth your time.
Never, in my mind, did I think you could care for different people in different ways, and therefore want to be with more than one person. Never. That was WRONG, at least according to my vanilla voice.
There are times when my vanilla voice really needs to shut up and let my sub voice catch up and process. After all, it’s just learning to speak. When Sir told me the conditions of me being his, it was the first time I really heard my sub voice speak up.
Vanilla voice: NO. NOOOOO. N.O. Hell to the no.
Sub voice: Why? Why is that a deal breaker?
Vanilla voice: Why do you think? If I’m not enough for him, then he’s not worth my time.
Sub voice: But why do you think that? Do you think that because it’s your own choice, or because it’s your mother’s voice?
Obviously, I’m still very much in this relationship.
I thought I would struggle with jealousy much more than I have, just as I thought I would never be able to take monogamy off the table. One of my hard limits when I first filled out a checklist for Sir (which I did within a couple days of he and I talking) was no sharing. Now? I would say I am curious… but I needed that confidence of knowing that I was his, and that no matter who else he was seeing I would remain his.
Sir told me tonight after dinner with my parents (don’t worry, there will be a blog post about that sometime soon) that he asked the woman he had begun seeing to be his girlfriend. They have a history, and I wasn’t surprised in the least. She’s the one that got away for him; I can see that when he talks about her. I don’t think he expected the depth of feelings that he has for her. I did.
The vanilla voice is quieter than it was a week ago, but it still asked in a scared voice why I wan’t ranting and raving. Why I wasn’t possessive. Why I wasn’t offended that she was the girlfriend and I wasn’t.
The Sub voice is louder now, and much more confident. The answer was definitive.
I don’t need that, not in our relationship. I need to be his, and I am. I need to be collared, and I will be.
Do I need to have him all to myself?
Sir tells me often that the relationship with your first Dom is incredibly intense. That much is obvious to me, even more so as our relationship develops, and we haven’t even properly played yet. I know he will push me, and I know I got damn fucking lucky in having him as my first Dom. Were I to have a girlfriend title? I would be drowning. It would become too intense, for me, and I would not be able to handle it when it’s time for us to part. It would break me to a degree that I would not come back easily from.
No, I do not need him to myself. I happily call him Sir, and will soon be able to call him Master. I am secure in the fact that I am his, and that he adores me. I adore him as well.
Okay, that is an understatement. I would go above and beyond for him. I want to go above and beyond for him, and I love him, but I am not in love with him. I think that the woman who is his girlfriend is, or will be, and I think it’s good for both of them.
…That sounds weird. Why am I okay with another woman being in love with the man I am seeing?
Because, frankly. I like her. I like them together, and I know that she will not replace me, nor will I replace her. He cares for both of us, in different ways, and feels for both of us. We both have our place in his life, just as he has his place in ours, and we’re all adjusting to this relationship. I didn’t really realize that until tonight; I thought that it was just me struggling with finding my place and learning my boundaries. NOPE! Not just me! Even those with experience are dealing with a learning curve in this.
There is jealousy, but less in that she is with him and more in that she spends time with him where he can’t be with me. I don’t message Sir when I know he is with her. I want him to have that time alone with her, because honestly I would want that time as well. I would want that space. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him when we can’t talk, or I can’t see him.There is also jealousy in that she has been to his home, slept in his bed, and so far I have not. I’ve been relegated to hotel rooms and day meetings. I have roommates and live in a shoe box, and so him staying with me would not be an option. I want to be invited into his space as well, I want a place in his world.
I always want more time with him. Hell, I didn’t want tonight to end. I wanted to curl up in his arms and just stay there..safe. He is the shield that keeps all the bad things away; he chases away the nightmares and listens when I tell him about my ghosts, and has begun openly looking at me in a way that makes my heart race (in a good way). Why wouldn’t I want to spend more time with him?
I am not pursing other relationships at the moment outside of Sir. I am fine with the casual date on occasion, but one that would actually require time and effort? ..Honestly, I don’t have time, and I have to throw my effort towards other things (like a job, so that I can actually stay in the city for the summer). I have a very short time with Sir, and a very short time in San Francisco itself. Leaving one person behind when I move will be hard enough. Two? No. I can’t. If the circumstances were different… perhaps.
There are honestly times when I miss behind someone’s everything. I miss the “darling”s and “dearest”s and “love”s that come with a vanilla relationship… but the way those nicknames made me feel pale to the pride and affection I feel when I am called “little one”. Would I want to be monogamous with a Dom someday? Perhaps. But I’m realizing more and more that monogamy is far from a deal breaker with me. As long as I remain his, what does it matter if there are others?
This may be hard to believe, but I’m actually looking forward to meeting his girlfriend. I think I will like her, a lot, and I hope she likes me. She’s been in the lifestyle for much longer than me, and I hope to learn a lot from her if she will let me. This is the start of a journey for me while she’s been on the path for some time now. I’m hoping, somehow, that something about me will be of benefit to her. I like to think that I am good for Sir. She is his partner. I want to be good for her too, in some way. I respect her, and I really do hope that we can be friends.
Oh, curveballs. They’re so much fun, especially when chucked at old ideals that seem to be clinging steadfastly to my conscience.
Sorry, mom, but you got it wrong. The number of romantic partners you have does not define how much you care for those partners. It’s very hard to fake what I see when Sir looks at me, or what I feel when I’m with him.
When neither person wants the night to end, you’re doing something right.
Yours in the middle of a learning curve