I couldn’t resist the adorable kitten doing a summersault… Especially when the little fluff ball was a ginger. I own one, a ginger fluff ball named Jynx who lives up to her name, and I’ve been missing her lately.
Yesterday I met up with Sir, and to be honest I was exhausted. I had stayed up late the evening before frantically applying for more jobs. The secure job I have is attempting to kill me, at least that’s what it feels like. I went to work at 4 pm without knowing when my shift was ending. After asking, I found out I was there until 10:30. Well.. 10:30 was closing, which turned out to be 11:30, and I got through the day with one half hour break and a ten minute break. I have arthritis in both my knees…
This part, I would get used to. What I won’t get used to is stuff like my earrings being stolen out of my purse (I lost my 5 favorite pairs T.T including a pair of gold hoops my parents bought me when I was fourteen), hearing that anything that happens at work is “our problem” not theirs, and the people around me being treated like crap and screamed at for a little thing like not refilling the Fritos basket at the exact right moment when there’s a line of 50 customers and only three cashiers, and one out of the three can’t handle money because it’s their first day of training.
I needed a drink. A strong one. Sadly, at my apartment there is no alcohol to be found. RAWR.
And so, after a night of rawr, I went and applied to fifty million jobs on Craigslist praying for another to bite so I wouldn’t have to go back to the bad place that steals earrings.. I was up until about 2, knowing I would end up awake at 9 to shower and make myself okay enough looking for Sir at 10.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I pushed my body too damn hard, again. It’s this time of year for me. Every night, I push myself to the point of shattering. There’s that edge, that razor thin edge, where brilliant things are made. I live on it for about two weeks. Usually, during this time of year I isolate myself. I go into work mode, and come out right before I drop dead. My parents know enough to pull away during that time of year and let me self destruct, then build myself back. I am NEVER in a relationship this time of year, usually by convenience instead of purpose. It’s just how the universe has worked for me, until now.
I was an idiot to try and hide it from Sir, who could tell at breakfast that I was exhausted, and that I wasn’t okay. I blamed it on work the night before, saying how sore I was, which was true..but it’s not just work. it’s this point in the year.
I needed the couple hours alone with him before we met his girlfriend. Needed to brace myself. I like her, I have said that I think fifty million times at this point, it’s just a huge change from what I’m used to and although I felt comfortable meeting her emotionally I was already on edge due to other things. I decompressed in Sir’s lap for a little bit before we walked over to a cafe to meet her, with Sir giving me a couple worried looks over my physical state along the way.
“You’re terrified” he told me after I met his girlfriend and we hugged. She had gone off to grab herself some coffee and Sir had pulled me back against his side. “You’re absolutely terrified.”
The sad thing is that under normal circumstances I would have been FINE. My big mistake was not in explaining to Sir what this time of year did to me; how bad I actually was. I am not used to sharing that kind of information with anyone, ever. I’ve never needed to. But considering Sir kind of owns my body and I had been abusing the hell out of that body….
It was a newbie mistake.
I had managed to get my mood up with some sugar, and honestly felt incredibly comfortable when we went out to lunch. I am a tiny thing, as I’ve mentioned, and at one point was eyeing a piece of sushi so far across the table that I knew I was going to have to very impolitely reach. Sir chuckled when he saw the uncertainty on my face and said, “That’s okay. We’re all family here.” There was something about him saying that…it made me so happy. It felt right being around Sir, and being around his other partner. I enjoyed it, very much. I want to see her again; maybe have a girls day one of these days. She’s deep in the BDSM community, and has a bubbly personality that I envy.
I’m much more quiet than she is, though Sir has told me her personality is different when the two of them are alone. That doesn’t surprise me in the least. What did surprise me was how well Sir balanced between the two of us. I could see why he was drawn to both of us, and why he wanted both of us in his life. I could also see that he was..happy.
Well, until my mood tanked and he started worrying again.
As I said, it was very much a newbie mistake, what I did. Keeping my physical and emotional state private..why, because I was ashamed? I guess I was. I didn’t want to show cracks in my venire, even though Sir knows they’re there. I don’t like telling him about my physical or emotional weaknesses, even though that is part of our relationship.
Being with Sir means automatically being in a safe place. He has mentioned time and time again that this is “simply one of the services he provides.” I know this. I trust him absolutely. I wouldn’t be making the collar that will soon be locked around my neck if I didn’t trust him absolutely (Yes, I’m making my collar.. I’ll write about that in the next post). So why is it so hard for me to show when I’m hurting, especially when he has very little to do with that hurting? I could understand my mental state if he had caused some harm and I just didn’t want to show him..but it was less that and more that I was emotionally on edge because I was physically a mess. I took up a new job at the wrong time, because I just didn’t want to leave this city. I still don’t, and I have more job interviews to come (including two today), but I told him nothing about this, when I should have been honest with him.
He told me not to fall on my sword about it, but it’s a lesson well learned. Sir cannot properly care for me if he does not have all the information, and I can not properly interact with other partners if I’m so out of sorts and exhausted. With him not knowing or understanding why because I haven’t communicated with him it throws off the whole dynamic, making things much more difficult than they have to be.
You live, you learn. It’s not as if I’ve done this before. I told Sir everything before I went to bed..and was told to go to sleep before midnight (something I rarely do). I did. I plan to do it again tonight to try and recharge my body best I can.
Sir owns me, and because of that I am a reflection of him. I should not work my body to the point of breaking, even if it means I make pretty art things. There are other ways to make art… There has to be..
I suppose it’s time to learn a new system.
Yours in a better state