Kicking Myself

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God fucking dammit. 

I keep wondering if I can do ANYTHING right, because it sure as hell feels like I can’t. 

I can manage keeping a journal, that’s easy. Giving him my orgasms? Easy. I live with two roommates. The opportunities to orgasm are minimal at best. Not that my sex drive enjoys this, but still…

Everything else? 

Fuck. Just.. Fuck.

Okay. I know I’m new at this. I’m a baby. There’s a learning curve. But me doing just SOMETHING RIGHT in this relationship would be great. 

I’ve been a nightmare this past week, and I know that. Finals push me to my breaking point. On top of that I started pulling away because Sir was getting closer with his girlfriend. I wanted that. I wanted them cemented and established and happy. I love them together. But that meant isolating myself. Setting up nice, big, thick walls when I shouldn’t have, and just hiding, waiting to either crack or be pulled out. Waiting and being distant meant dealing with my own issues and not telling him nearly as much as I should have.. a mistake all around..but I didn’t feel like I had the opportunity. 

And so, I kept my mouth shut until today. Somehow, Sir got me to talk. I became more comfortable, more open again. I told him a lot of what had been bothering me, finally, and I felt like we were getting back to normal. I’m supposed to see him tomorrow, and I was excited. It’s a big day. I tried to be more playful, more sassy. It was something he requested of me last night when I was down and distant; that he wanted to see more of the “Jersey girl”. 

And I said the wrong fucking thing. Used the wrong phrase. Pushed a boundary I shouldn’t without fucking thinking. I didn’t read over what I typed. I just sent it. 

And then immediately started cursing. 

I fucked up. I fucked up big time because of a simple fucking word I didn’t think about using. Expect. WRONG. WRONG all over the place, and I didn’t even mean what I said. That’s the sad thing. I was just being playful, or trying to be. 

I want to cry… hell, I have cried. I ran offline because I was too ashamed to keep talking to him… I’ll have to check the messages eventually. Even if I’m not on a computer they go to my phone regardless. 

I know everyone fucks up, especially when they’re new at this, but my timing could not be fucking worse. 

Just…fuck…. I’m sorry, Sir. I can’t say I’m sorry enough. 

Yours ashamed

-Rena

 

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