I’m Still Alive!

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GAH…barely, but I am.

I’m actually quite a bit better than I was a couple of weeks ago. Finals…bad juju. False friends…also bad juju.

A lot has happened in the last couple weeks. I started and stopped several blog posts, almost like in the beginning.. Too much. I got too overwhelmed to update.

First off… on the vanilla front my job is fantastic. I am in absolute love..even though the paperwork is proving to be a huge pain in the ass. The job requires health information and doctors stuff… I’m a bad 20something. I haven’t had a primary care doctor since I outgrew my pediatrician. So…that may take some figuring. Time to pull up my big girl pants and actually figure out this real life shit.

Not being a student for the first time in my life is an..odd feeling, especially when I was so set on going to grad school. My health insurance may be at risk because of it..but I will figure all that out.

I was at work the other day on my lunch break when I began thinking of all my firsts for the next year, and the past few months. Certain things I love and look forward to (first Dom, first collar, first poly relationship, first big girl job, first actual non-shoebox apartment) and certain things are hard (first Mother’s Day away from home, first time missing my daddy’s birthday when I’m the only one that ever makes a big deal of it, first summer away from my baby sister). A lot of what I’m not looking forward to are things that were staples, traditions, that I’m missing, but that’s part of growing up and gaining your own life. Growing pains are always hard. If they weren’t, they would have a different fricken nickname.

On a BDSM front… Okay where do I start.

The beginning, I guess. Which is where Sir and I have started again. I imploded, there is no two ways around it, and I screwed up in a big way. While I expected all of the blame to be put on my rookie mistake and for him to walk away, frustrated, Sir took some of the blame for my behavior as well. We talked, it got emotional (it often does…) and decided to start from the beginning, doing this the right way. Not rushed, because I’m disappearing. The pressure of me going poof is no longer there. Which means I will get my collar when I’ve earned it.

Literally.

I make chainmail jewelry. A couple weeks ago, Sir tasked me with making my own collar. He had picked out a particularly challenging weave and instructed me to create a collar similar to that, and to think about what it meant, what the relationship meant, all aspects of it, while I made it. Well… once I got the weave down I made it in a couple hours..and a few days later saw a very similar collar in a shop window. My inner artist twitched, and I asked Sir if I could make another one, with a weave that seemed more unique and more fitting. He granted my request, and I made it in a couple of days (It’s now my new favorite weave to do ^.^ Is fun…).

The day after I imploded, Sir and I met up for the evening. I gave him the collar that I had made. He picked it up, contemplated it, played with it… and tasked me with something that requires quite a bit more patience. I am to make a carbon copy of the collar I showed him that night, exact in every detail. I have to do it by earning _every_last_ring_. Each evening, I ask Sir before bed how many links I can add to my collar. Some nights are more than others. I get one link just for asking, and I get more if I’ve done something proving certain submissive behaviors, or done anything particularly pleasing to him. I’ve learned to adjust the times I ask because there are times when he passes out or is busy or I pass out and I miss my chance.

Last night, I earned 10 rings. I went to a kink coffee social for beginners in the BDSM world and hit it off with a guy. He’s pan-sexual, and the typical type of guy I am attracted to. Big. Scruffy. Could toss me around like a hot potato. He pulled my chair out for me when I came over to sit down and kept sending me glances.. and so I sent them back. And then we talked after…and we cuddled a bit, and we kissed. He was even gentlemanly and walked me back to my apartment.

A very sweet fella, and definitely someone I will hang out with in the future…but no romantic potential. He’s nice… but the intellectual conversations just aren’t there (a brain is a huge turn on), and he may Top from time to time…but he is not a Dom. He’s a switch, and tends to be more of a bottom with women. Both were huge buzz kills for me. He was a decent kisser, however, and I was proud of myself for putting myself out there. So was Sir 🙂

I’m still working on the whole dating thing.. I feel like I haven’t experienced enough of what being a sub really is, what it means, to tackle another Dom. I don’t want a vanilla relationships, and casual anything seems to always come with catches. I thought coffee house guy would be some casual fun until he mentioned taking things slow.

….Taking what slow? We have things? Mrow? Damn.

I’m hoping to click with someone eventually. The more things I go to, the more I expose myself to, the more people I meet and the more chances of me hitting it off with someone. I’m even attempting to be on Fetlife more. I joined a group that posts classifieds seeking D/s partners, for curiosities sake of what’s out there more than anything else. I read, I learn. I ask Sir questions when I have them. I earn my collar link by link. So far, I’ve earned 21 rings. Only about 120 or so to go. No, I haven’t counted every last ring that I have to earn. If I do, I will obsess, and I don’t want that. I’ll get the collar when I’m supposed to.

I had a conversation with Sir a few days ago after another meltdown that made some things just…click with me. I was beating the shit out of myself. I hate disappointing him, HATE IT. I don’t want him to regret picking me when I wanted him to so badly. I voiced my fears to him. He said, “Well get through it, little one. Together.” Neither of us had realized just how stubborn I was..just how hard I was clinging to that last bit holding me back from completely submitting to him.

Submission is a choice. I find myself rereading this blog post almost daily lately to remind myself of that http://servingmaster.com/2014/04/24/the-good-submissive/ . I recommend it. I remind myself that I am choosing this path, that I want this, need this. I need to trust Sir, obey him, and submit.

That evening after the meltdown, when Sir told me that we would get through it all together, he also said that he would turn me into a submissive than any Dom would be proud to have, and that he would help me find a Dom, wherever I was, when the time is right. I adore Sir, truly. I trust him completely. When he says it’s going to be okay and that we’ll get through it, he means it and I believe him. I still have so much to learn..so much I need to let myself learn, but I’m on the right track.

The night of the munch everyone went around and told people who they were and why they were there. When I introduced myself I mentioned that I was there because the Dom mentoring me thought it would be a good activity for me to go to; that he and his girlfriend/submissive were very experienced in BDSM and I was as green as green could be and he wanted me to get some exposure to others, connect to people both green and experienced. Meet people in general. The Dom heading the meeting said, “You are very, VERY lucky your Dom found you, because there are some psychos out there…there are a lot of psychos out there. It seems you have one of the real ones.”

I know I’m lucky. I’m grateful. And I’m definitely changing, slowly, for the better.

More to come… when things settle a bit.

-Rena

 

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4 thoughts on “I’m Still Alive!

  1. I am honored that you read my blog post daily, even more so that you shared it with your readers. Thank you 🙂 It warms my heart to know that I am helping and inspiring others.
    –Autumn Lokerson

  2. 🙂 Honestly I’m honored you took a look at my dinky blog at all and noticed I shared it. I love your blog, Autumn. It helps baby subs like me a lot

    and he is pretty awesome 🙂 Thanks!

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