Let’s see… What all has happened since the last time I wrote…
I’ll start with the boring things.
My keyboard on my computer is slightly broken. There was an incident involving soup… it wasn’t good. I no longer have use of the numbers three and four, the dash key, one command key, and my capslock key. Consulting Apple next week hopefully.. we will see.
..Anyone know what it means when your computer says your start up disk is full..and how to fix that? Asks the computer illiterate blogger. Because that’s happening too.
I got my first big girl paycheck, which got me enough for at least a month’s rent in a new apartment
I got my hours at work cut back from full time to part time (five hours a day instead of part time), so I’m still getting big girl paychecks..they’re just smaller… but still big enough …
…to pay for my FANTASTIC new apartment! Cat friendly, my own HUGE room, in San Francisco (although near the boarder of South San Francisco), where I have complete reign of the beautiful backyard with a plum tree (the plums are yummy). I have access to a kitchen and living room (with a fire place!!!), a garage to park my car in (which I drive cross country in two weeks), laundry in the house, …an actual house, which is pretty and red, and my own private bathroom, all for 250 more a month than I’m paying now for half of a room and a futon. …I’m in love, in case you can’t tell. I move in Friday.
I leave for the east coast on Saturday night, which will pull me out of the scene for two whole weeks..which is weird, because I end up going to at least two things a week, be it a munch, discussion group, or play party.
I’ve started playing, which has been fun. I have a couple play partners at this point that I’ve just started seeing, both very different. Both fun in their own way.
I suppose that leads me to the biggest of the changes. Sir and I are no longer in a D/s relationship. Now he’s just.. Cal.
Which is exceedingly weird.
There were a lot of reasons for the mentoring ending, many involving things going on in Cal’s vanilla life. He has a primary relationship with a woman he is madly in love with, who’s making strides in his life and hitting milestones that no woman has reached since his last marriage. That relationship takes a lot of time and energy. Couple that with health issues, work changes, and other difficulties and there’s just not time to mentor a little submissive.
..It wasn’t just that, though. He told me that much while we were at lunch and I was trying not to cry over my french fries. He said that I was much better off than when he found me, that I knew enough now to stand on my own two feet and have good judgment on who could be a good primary partner and a Dom to me. That I knew enough now to judge for myself, but that he was always there for questions, or vetting candidates, or protection..or anything.
“Basically, the only thing that’s changing in our relationship from the last month is that you’re no longer calling me Sir.”
It is.. incredibly bitter sweet to me. Because I honestly love him, but knew I was not in danger of falling in love with him. I want to be in love, to have a primary partner and not be afraid of how close I am getting to someone. I want to be able to completely submit to a Dom that can own me, collar me; the whole bit, and I knew that was not going to be Cal. But I still adore him. I still continue to be more honest with him than I have ever been with a man. I still trust him completely, and ask him questions when I have them.
Not calling him Sir is odd, because in my mind he just.. is. He probably always will be. Maybe not MY Sir. I don’t belong to him. I’m just a very good friend. But when you meet Cal he feels like a Dom. He commands the space that he is in, and as much as he can be quiet he commands his audience. I have quiet a lot of respect for him, and I think that it’s the respect that will always have him titled as Sir in my mind, even if I address him verbally as Cal. I will probably always be just a little meek around him..just a little more respectful. Going to my knees and laying my head in his lap continues to feel natural and normal.
It’s.. a different sort of relationship now, one that has us both more relaxed. The tension is off. I don’t have to worry about constantly pleasing him, and he doesn’t have to worry about trying to solve my problems on top of his. Given time, we will most likely be play partners, which I honestly look forward to. The sexual tension is very much still there. But I want to fully learn what I like when I play. I want to hopefully find a primary relationship..and I want to be able to not fop things up with Cal. Right now he and I sleeping together would be bad, for both of us. Ending this type of relationship was not an easy choice for him, and I know that. Screwing like sex deprived rabbits, as fun as it would be, would just end with he and I no longer being able to speak, or be close. Which would hurt like HELL.
The more I think about how I was before Cal found me, the more grateful I am to have him in my life, in any way. I hold my head up higher. I take more pride in my appearance, and for the first time in my life know that I am beautiful. I don’t have to be a size 2. I have beautiful curves, and facial features that people stop and look twice at. I’m cute. I may not be the average beauty, but I’m someone people seem to remember. I would never have been able to believe any of that before meeting him, as sad as that is to say. I know my own value and my own worth, and Cal’s the one that forced me to look at myself and realize that I had worth. That I was something special..not something to blend into the background.
I am VERY excited about my new place, with doors that close and lock and a room of my own… Partners can actually stay over now. EEP. What a concept! I’m so excited 🙂 … another thing I would not have thought of if it weren’t for Cal. I told him he will need to see the new place, to have the face off between my Domme cat and him. My money is still on the cat.
There is too much change to write in one blog entry…but I’m good. I’m really good. In certain ways I’m overwhelmed. I have a LOT of shit to pack and little time to do it in. I’m still debating whether or not I should move in on Friday, or push it to Saturday when I know someone can help me… Oh, so much to do..so much..
And I love it all.
I hate and love when Cal is right..because he is OFTEN. This is one of those times. I said at one point early on that I knew exactly who I was. He said he didn’t think that was true..and I fought him tooth and nail on it. No. I’m sure of myself. Of my identity.
….Whelp. He was right. I didn’t know. I’m starting to understand another facet of myself, and I still have no clue who I am completely. I’m watching my world in the past few months turn upside down, backwards, sideways, and dump out all over the place… but I’m keeping up. And I continue to smile.
Now, to go pack some shit..and then go meet a friend for sushi and bondage. HA ^.^
Yours without a dash key to sign this with anymore.