Ah… It’s good to be back. For the most part.
I am back in San Francisco, after a wild ride cross country with my older sister. There’s so much that we did I could write a whole entry about it… Me nearly buying out the Sex section of Myopic books in Chicago, getting tattoos from an amazing tattoo artist in Vegas who I idolized as a kid (turns out he’s a Dom… From the Mission. Go figure), finally opening up to my sister and going into detail about what it meant to be a submissive. Getting my first ever speeding ticket (Iowa state troupers are mean).. So much. I think the next entry will include all this chaos.
One thing did happen along the trip that I didn’t expect at all. I found myself daily growing closer to Kane. We talked more frequently as the days passed, even more so than our usual daily banter.. And I found myself afraid. Afraid because I recognized the feeling of craving the responses from a Dom. Afraid because I was receiving more attention than I have in a long while.
That he thinks of me gives me more joy than I can express. That he understands my playful nature only adds to it. I love that I can talk to him for hours about so many things and still want the next response. I knew I was in trouble about halfway through the road trip when I found myself missing him, truly missing his company.
Kane is not someone who I am outright attracted to. I don’t salivate over his appearance and found myself overtly cautious because he is married. Open relationship or not I would never be the primary partner. It would be a D/s relationship added on to an already deep friendship.
And then I found myself wanting that more and more. Because he understands me so completely without trying. Because I am so attracted to his personality, and to the fact that he asks me to be nothing but myself. Because the relationship would still allow me to play with others, but leave me in the care of a Dom who could honestly take care of me and give me the attention I need.
I will be seeing him tonight after dropping off my sister at the airport, and spending the night for the first time. We have a lot to talk about.
I think I made up my mind with Kane this morning. Cal and I had a horrible fight… One that still confuses me and leaves me sick to my stomach. I miss my friend, and I haven’t known how to talk to him lately. He’s had so much going on and on top of that hasn’t been feeling well. I was supposed to have brunch with him and my sister, but his girlfriend was over and it just… Blew up into a big thing because I didn’t think my sister would be comfortable around his girlfriend.
Correction. I know she wouldn’t have been. Both his girlfriend and my sister are super dominant personalities, and I worried they would clash. I didn’t want drama.. And somehow drama was still created. I’ve missed the approachable Cal so much. There’s so much I wanted to bounce off of him, or ask him about. But I’ve wanted things to calm down for him and not be an added burden. I’m not his responsibility anymore, and I have others watching out for me. I don’t want to lose him as a friend though. Understatement that I don’t know how to properly word. Balance is key, for both of us I think.
During the big fight on instinct I reached out to Kane. Brunch never happened and I didn’t want to break down in front of my sister. Kane knows how much I care about Cal, and how much I value his presence in my life. I told Kane the gist of the conversation and was surprised by the comfort he offered. I was shocked at how easily and naturally it came… He managed to dry my tears and allow me to get in the mindset to have a good day with my sister.
We ended up at Wicked Grounds with a dear Dom friend of mine who continually watches out for me. I got to show her my world, although not how I expected to, and found myself reminded that I have very much formed my own place in this community as various friends and Doms welcomed me back to the city. It was the right friend for her to meet. She found herself reassured that someone close was watching out for me. I found myself reassured that I actually had friends that valued me… Ones I made myself.
We went out for a smoke break and I came back in to find Cal and his girlfriend inside. I think my friend saw the look on my face through the bravado as I continued to tell one of the trip stories. “It will work out in time.” He told me. “I know it’s hard. You don’t want him upset or disappointed in you… But both of you were in this fight. Both of you were right and wrong, and from the sound of things miscommunication was all over the place. Give things time to settle. You do your thing. Let him to his. Give him time to get used to being so in love and knowing it’s okay to be there. Give yourself time to solidify your list of kinks and desires. Give each other space and the rest will work out. He invited you into his life. He won’t throw you out of it over a silly fight.”
It helped. A little. But I hate leaving things unfinished. I’m a talker, and I admit to having little patience.
We went to Baker beach and I watched my sister step into the Pacific Ocean for the first time. I thought about the night I most valued Cal’s presence and the security he offered. It was the night he met my parents… Afterward, when we were at a bar and he had a leg on either side of me, surrounding me while he made me tell the whole story of what happened with Jason. I broke and he helped pick up the pieces. And I knew then that he was a solid, protective force that would always be in my life no matter if we were sleeping together or not. He was safety and security in a city that left me alone and undone.
Things need to be given time to settle. Nothing fixes itself instantly. I certainly didn’t fix myself instantly. I had help. From unexpected sources.
And so my return to San Francisco is a little bittersweet. But I know I have an exciting night ahead of me, with talk of a training collar in my future. And in my mind is the assuredness that everything will work out. A D/s relationship with Kane would be a unique one, for sure. The fact that I would be more than a sub, that I would be his muse as well, has me so honored as an artist. The fact that I inspire him to work fills me with pride.
I have so much to unpack. I have that stupid speeding ticket to take care of and my sister to send home… I am wonderfully busy in all the best ways, and my life is good. Unsettled, but good. Settling takes time and experience.
Oh. I need to talk to Portland and actually defer school for a year… Not just say I will. Sigh. Maybe someday I’ll get used to this being a grown up shit. Though truth be told at this point there are so many stuffed animals in my apartment people would think I was a little if they didn’t know better.
In 2009 my sister and I had a fight we reference as the “great schism”. We swore never to talk again and said more hurtful things in one conversation than we have in the rest of our lives. If we can go from that to swearing to be aunts to each other’s children and driving cross country like mad Thelma and Louise (minus the ending…) then one fight will not kill off what I know will be a life long friendship. After all. New episodes of Dr Who start in August. I will want to discuss them with more than just my sister.
Yours unpacking life