Musings

I am sitting in my underwear, in the stillness of my new apartment, and simply letting my mind wander.

It’s a simple pleasure, being able to dress at ones leisure, but it’s one I haven’t exactly had since I moved out to San Francisco until now. I can also hear birds in my backyard… Actual birds, not demonic pigeons who coo at 6 am. There are even yellow and black butterflies that fly up to the flowers near my window.

For a very long time I couldn’t sit in silence. Background noise was always necessary, be it music or tv. Now.. Even the silence isn’t fully silent. It’s nice, to relax on an actual bed instead of a futon and read. It’s an incredible blessing to have a closet and a dresser to put clothing in again and bookshelves for my books. I have space to set up my drawing board and shelves for my art supplies.

I also have space in general. I no longer have roommates breathing down my neck every second of every day. I can bring people back to MY place for once and not worry about interruption. I can masturbate in peace!!!! THANK GODDE!

And you know what the funny thing is? Every other night I haven’t been here. Instead, I’ve been curled up in Kane’s bed, as content to hear him snoring as I am to sit in my quiet and listen to the birds. I am not used to the luxury of seeing a lover every other day.. Of frequent dates that are more than every week or so. There has always been some distance between boyfriends, lovers, whathaveyou, and me. Even living back east when I dated a Jersey guy I was going to school in Boston and saw him every two weeks. My first love was a man from Connecticut while I was in Jersey (he’s married now.. Which is weird). The man I was engaged to lived in California while I was in Boston.

Suddenly I have a man who lives five miles away. Just five. That’s it. And he wants to see me. And I want to see him, and I can feel the danger of the feels.

You know the feels. Those squishy things that invade and make a relationship super deep and emotional. Sometimes the feels are wonderful things and your internal voice screams ” IT’S ABOUT TIME!” Other times it screams “danger, danger, Will Robinson!”

This time my internal voice is confused. Here is safety. Friendship. Security. Sex, with room to play elsewhere (which at this point I need. Yep, definitely poly. Even with the feels). There is genuine caring, and he easily balances work with wife with me. There is no off kilter feeling and no wondering what my place is.

Maybe the danger feeling comes from the intensity that goes along with these types of relationships. I’ve heard them described as hard and fast.. But what happens when they started as a slow simmer? What can they build to.. And how much trouble am I getting myself into?

Time to get dressed. I’m meeting Kale for dinner and leaving my bed lonely again tonight without me. Thank you for listening to my musings.

-Rena

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