Consumed

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When an artist begins to fall for someone they get a muse.
When a muse falls for an artist they get worshipped, allowing for more inspired work to be produced.
When two artists begin falling for one another, especially when one is also muse to the other.. Get ready for intensity. And need. And longing.

And a lot of fucking feels.

There is something dangerous and wonderful about Kane and I; about how lost in each other we manage to get. We’ve gotten… A wee bit pathetic though. Six days apart seems like an eternity and literally brought tears to my eyes at one point. When did I become such a big ball of mush?

It’s odd. In loving Kane as a person and trusting him as a Dom I can feel those last bits of ache left from Jase beginning to ease. Perhaps the more I explore this relationship the less that man will be my undoing.

Speaking of my undoing, I am off to see him on Thursday afternoon. It will be the first time I’ve seen him since Easter.. When I came back to San Francisco shaken and confused. Your guess is as good as mine as to why he has such power over me. I wish I knew. I tried very hard after he crossed a very firm line to get him out of my life and break that tie completely. So why am I still entangled with him? He has hurt me more than any man I have ever loved.. And yet I look forward to seeing him. To laughing and watching corny tv shows and going to Bookman to overindulge in used paperbacks I have no room for but still want. I look forward to his mother’s cooking and his father’s stories.. To the comforts that draw me there when I can’t go see my own family for the holiday weekend. I do not want to be alone in my apartment without a barbecue, with only a white trash themed play party to look forward to at night.

If he drinks, or smokes, I will not be in the same room with him. I will extricate myself to a different part of the house, safely away. I do not make the same mistakes twice.

Kane is worried. “If I thought it was purely a destructive trip I would not allow you to go,” he told me, “and I am not happy with you going regardless.” I understand.. But I have to see if we CAN be friends. If it’s possible, or if this is the last time I will be visiting Orange County for a while.

I don’t particularly want to give Cal another reason to hurt the poor bastard, since he already is going to break his jaw if he ever sees Jase again… So I’m hoping he behaves himself and acts like a man instead of a five year old. Still. I am nervous.

On a lighter note Kane gave me a gift that has allowed me to work out some of my tension and nerves. No. Not a vibrator (or at least not just a vibrator..). It’s this wonderful substance called Monster Clay. It softens with heat and leaves no residue on my hands, and hardens easily. I need to get some WD-40 to get a completely smooth finish on the pieces I make.. But I’m in love with the material. I can pick it up and twist it and get lost in the material without worry of jerking the wrong part and breaking it, or making a mess.

Working again is like breathing again. I feel my body relax. The tension built up over a month dissipates as I form and sculpt.. Always with my hands. Always tactile. Thank Godde my hands are small or my life would be more difficult.

It’s not perfect.. But my first attempt with the Monster Clay fits nicely on my bookshelf for now 🙂 it may go home with Kane next time he comes to my tiny abode.

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It’s odd.. Because I’m getting lost, but I’m not. Embracing being poly allows me to fully submit to Kane, to relish that I will wear his collar and give myself to him, and still keep my head above water, open to who else will enter my life. I know he still wants me to find someone who can have more than just friendship and a D/s relationship with me… And I will when the right person comes along. For now, this is all I can handle. It is all I WANT to handle. I know I would get completely lost in a primary relationship.. And I have too much going on now to do that.

You know what’s really odd for a fiery,
possessive, passionate Italian girl? Not being jealous. At all. Not an ounce of jealousy. Kane is married, and in love with his wife and I WANT him happily married and in love with his wife. When he is home with her I don’t lay in bed going “ohh… I wish that were me!” I know I will get my turn, and I am very sure of my place in his life.

In certain ways he is like me. His eyes give away everything. I have no fears of losing my place.

I am terrified. And ecstatic. And happy. And worried. And loving. And probably slightly insane. Is this what growth feels like? Gah.

I also don’t want to pack for Orange County. Bah. I swear if Jase acts like a pissy bitch I will go Jersey on his ass and he will see that I do willingly submit to men and revel in that submission, but that I will never submit to him again.

Time for dinner. It’s Spaghettio’s tonight. Yaaay big girl budgets!

Yours making it work, one small freakout at a time.

-Rena

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