Yeah… I’m relatively inexperienced with that.
I’m COMPLETELY inexperienced with the whole “he lives ten minutes away” relationship thing… and the I have spare keys thing.. The takeout and cooking together and the curling up on the couch while he humors my attraction the trash TV things..
Somehow, we went from secondary to primary.. Somewhere between dating and “come stay with me for two weeks while my wife is away.” And I admit, I’ve gotten lost in it. It is so easily just to curl up with him at the end of the day, find that perfect nook in his shoulder, and just relax. Breathe. Not worry about the rest of the world or reaching out to people or socialize.
The D/s component that started this whole relationship adds to it. That our needs in the bedroom overlap so closely…oooh I get chills thinking about it. I love submitting to him. I love that he’s not afraid to take all that I offer him; use me the way that I crave. It took a while for us to get here. He had to re embrace his own dominate nature and I had to learn how to communicate my needs and desires.
I’m very bad at the phrase “I want.” Last weekend we were walking around Valencia Street in the Mission and ended up at one of my favorite bookstores. I fell in love with a book, of course, but couldn’t justify the seventeen dollars to buy it. I mentioned that to Kane on the way out and he raised an eyebrow to me, a bag of books he had purchased clutched in his hand. “You know you could have just asked for it, right?” GAH. But..but..noooo….
As perfect as it all seems, there is still so much to figure out…and a lot we need to learn how to balance. There is a lot in the relationship with his wife that he needs to work on..and we both need to think about when she is around more often. What then? I find myself torn wanting to just embrace the relationship around me…and follow that itch that I have to play with others. We’re both learning how to communicate.. and he’s alright with me being poly. But I can see him struggling with jealousy, and I need to balance pleasing him with fulfilling my own needs.
I have never felt so cherished, loved, or wanted.. To have someone in my life that needs what I offer is so incredibly fulfilling.
BUT then there’s my life. There’s work, and a social life that I’m supposed to have. Munches. People. Play parties. Visits home and phone calls with friends. There’s the whole I need to register my car in California thing. There’s starting Lyft.. although things are less dire now that I’m making a bit more at work. When I’m on my own I live extremely lean.. but I’m working on it. I also am no longer afraid of dropping on my ass or bottoming out.. Asking for help is okay sometimes.. So is accepting it.
Tonight I go play again. Tomorrow I once again attempt to fully unpack my apartment. It’s still in slight shambles.
We’ll figure it out.
I’ll figure it out.
Yours a work in progress