Selfish…Selfless…Self-help?

Sigh. I get myself into sticky situations on a regular basis. Along with tripping over air and crashing into objects that I swear to Godde weren’t there a second ago I consider it one of my special talents.

I find myself in one now. My 23rd birthday is on Monday. As I am a baby in this world, it is my first birthday away from both of my parents and all of my old friends back east. Last year I turned 22 in Chicago and spent the day driving through Iowa and Nebraska with my daddy on my way to California to start my brave new life. … Considering the lifestyle I now live, I would definitely call the journey worth it, but until recently very lonely.

Part of that loneliness was due to me trying to turn a romantic situation into something it wasn’t for much too long. Until March I was so solely focused on Jase and he and I moving to Portland for grad school that I didn’t think to attempt to make friends in San Francisco outside of the casual acquaintances I associated with from art school (none of whom I talk to now). Jase was my stability in California… Until he wasn’t.

If it weren’t for the series of events that led to Jase and I ending any sort of romantic relationship and Cal leading me into the BDSM scene I would probably still be a very lonely antisocial turtle. Now I have friends here.. Which is fantastic, and I know that many of them would gladly take me out for a drink and then give me proper birthday beatings. I am also blessed with an amazing boyfriend and Dominant that for some reason gets great joy in spoiling me and makes me smile at least 20 times a day.

Jase and I have definitely distanced ourselves from one another. His girlfriend has great issues with my existence and there are at least three Dominant men in my life that have issues with his face being in one piece.. Along with other parts of his anatomy. But we have old traditions that flair up from time to time, and one of those traditions is a birthday visit.

We always celebrate each other’s birthdays, though often months after the actual events. I go to him or he goes to me and we go out with friends. We drink. Until recently we’ve also fucked. And so, as my birthday got closer I got the text that I was expecting yet dreading.
“Hey so for your birthday weekend you’re coming down, right?”

Of course I am. Why wouldn’t i?
Oh. Money
My relationship
His relationship
OUR RELATIONSHIP

I talked to Kane about it and expressed the normalcy of he and I seeing one another. I also mentioned that I wanted to do something fun for my birthday. I wanted to go out. Drink. Be 23. All my friends here are wonderful, but in their thirties if not very late twenties… If not older. Normally that’s who I get along better with. But sometimes a girl likes to get stupid.

And that’s when I did a stupid. A big stupid.

Kane is very hesitant about expressing ideas sometimes. He doesn’t want to seem desperate or greedy for my time. I’m very bad at saying when I want something. It’s like pulling teeth. I was raised with the mindset that if you ask for something that you are selfish and greedy. You shouldn’t have wants, and should accept that what your partner gives you is all you need.

Essentially. I was raised to believe that all men have psychic powers.

The combination of all this led to Kane proposing an honest amazing offer for what he and I could do for my birthday weekend… And me thinking it was said jokingly.

I accidentally said no to Disneyland. For a weekend drinking on Jase’s couch. GAH.

Kane went so far as to lend me the money for the way too expensive plane ticket. We finally clarified what actually went on last Saturday and I wanted to cry. What an idiot I was!

Jason promised that we would have a good time, and Kane promised that we would go to Disneyland together the next weekend he is free. Okay. Crisis averted. Maybe.

Nope. I wanted to give Jase a chance. He promised us going out and that he would cover $100 of my ticket as my birthday present. He promised we would socialize with friends and wouldn’t be alone together. Well, he texts me today saying he has to shell out a lot of cash for a driving class. I go okay… Can you still contribute to my ticket. He says no.

I then freak out. And frantically text Kane asking if it’s too late for Disney. I was going to Jase’s out of obligation. Because this is what we do and because he promised a good time. I was sacrificing my birthday to him.

Rena a year ago would have gone “okay. Fine. I’ll cover all the ticket. You just pay me the hundred when you can and I’ll still come down and pay for anything I want to do.”

Rena now is going “wait. I have other options. Do I HAVE to do this… Or can I do what I want to do?”

I am capable of being selfish. I am capable of wants. I want to have fun on my birthday and not make myself go broke doing it. I told Jase that I had to talk to Kane. That if nothing else I can come down in a month on my own dime when tickets will be cheaper and we can do my birthday then.

Jase got territorial. Saying well he can give me 50 instead of nothing if I come. Saying that we wouldn’t be able to do much since he would have 10 bucks left to entertain me, but we could drink in his apartment and watch tv. Come see me. Do what you’re supposed to.

Kane said we would look at our options tonight. That he’s committed to a presentation at 5 on Friday but other than that the possibilities are endless.

Endless possibilities. A magical birthday maybe?

Do I do what I want to do, or what I have been obligated to do for so long? Will my guilty conscience allow me to enjoy myself if I go with Kane somewhere that’s 10 minutes away from Jase and NOT see him? Will I finally have a real regret if I go see Jase and postpone magic with Kane?

There has to be some sort of compromise.

I’ll figure it out. Hell. Kane and I will figure it out. I love that I’m not alone in this.. That I have someone to pick apart my brain and tell me when I’ve truly done right or wrong.

I’m determined to have an awesome 23rd birthday dammit!!!

Rawr

-Rena

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