I finally reached my breaking point last night.
I realized how much time, and energy, and…life I have given up to make sure that Jason was happy, and taken care of, and that everything was okay. I did everything I could to please a man who didn’t fully want me, and didn’t understand what I was giving to him during submissive moments.
It’s my damn birthday. I’m going to do something for me.
I thought I would feel guilt, changing plans last minute on Jase, but being alone with him for the weekend drinking just isn’t in the cards anymore. I would feel extremely uncomfortable and his girlfriend would go ballistic. I like living, thanks.
I am blessed. I am so incredibly blessed to have Kane in my life. He has gone out of his way to make sure my birthday weekend and my birthday itself on Monday will be spectacular. Last night, we planned it all out. Leave Friday evening and drive down to a hotel near Anaheim. Spend the night there. Get up early and check in to what is by far the fanciest hotel I have ever seen (hell Grand is in the damn name!) and immediately hit the park for ALL DAY Saturday where I am allowed to regress to a five year old, eat crap, go on rides, drag Kane on rides, and possibly get dressed up as a princess.
All in all, perfection.
Sunday would be our day to drive back to San Francisco. When we first planned the new trip I could feel the guilt eating at me to to make sure that all was well with Jason. And so I asked my partner and my Dominant if he would be able to spare me for a couple of hours on Sunday so that I may see my friend and ex boyfriend for just a little while. Kane graciously said yes, and I told Jason the new plan.
Jason, in turned, flipped.
I’m not going to go into the whole discussion between Jason and I, but it’s safe to say that he was an ass, that he made a point of rubbing his girlfriend in my face repeatedly, and that he seemed not to believe that I was indeed in a relationship with someone else. It just doesn’t seem to process with him.
After that discussion I stopped feeling guilty about the change in plans. Jason and I are back to our form of normal now, and after a slight stupid slip from him this morning where he once again asked if I was coming this Friday, we changed the plans to me coming the fourth weekend in September, when we will both hopefully have more cash. We made a set plan for what we will be doing when I get there, his family will be around, and he will come up to my neck of the woods a couple of weeks later in October.
All in all, I’m breathing again. I’m happy it all worked out..but even if things had exploded and stay that way between Jase and I, I don’t think I would have felt bad anymore.
I very rarely choose myself. I get gratification from serving others and making them happy. I pride myself in pleasing my Dominant and being the best submissive I can be to him. Getting me to say “I want” is nearly impossible. And I said it.
I want to be happy.
And I’m SO happy that I’m going to Disneyland.