Longing

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The itch has started again. Good Godde, thank you for the itch..that need to play. I have my outfit picked out for the play parties this weekend, and for Folsom I have decided to attempt to make something special.. I’m stuck without work at the moment so why the fuck not? Need something to do in between applying for jobs and wallowing just a little bit.

Just a little. Not too much.

I was rather depressed for a while because I thought that I would be missing Folsom this year. I’m doing yet another pilgrimage to Orange County the last weekend in September, and remembered it being the very LAST weekend last time. To my surprise and delight, I was off by a week. Unemployed or not, I will not miss it. If nothing else, I will dress up, collect a LOT of business cards, take a lot of pictures, and maybe find myself a couple cheap books from the Center of Sex and Culture.

Last year Folsom was inescapable for me. It was my welcome to the city after being here for just a month, fresh from the east cost. I lived right near 7th and Folsom…so it was either dive in or hide in my apartment all day with my vanilla roommates. I knew I wasn’t vanilla, even though I hadn’t even begun to think of myself as a complete submissive, and I don’t like hiding. Hiding means shame. And so, I donned the red and black collar I’ve owned since high school (a gift I had begged out of my first real boyfriend..though I didn’t know why I was drawn to it. You would have think I would have figured this out earlier.. not so much), slipped into a faux leather ‘corset’, and scampered out into the street to face more assless chaps than I have ever seen in my entire life.

I have a friend, an older gentleman who stumbled across BDSM about four years ago. He talks to me often about how he tried to fit in with the herd and it just never worked, until he came here and found where all the damn zebras were hiding. Folsom is a heard of zebras; everything different and taboo and wonderful all at once.

This year.. I view it differently, I think. I’m no longer an outsider skimming the surface of a community, I’m in it. I understand it much more than I did a year ago. This year I know I am a submissive, in service though not formally owned and collared, and I go to where I can be myself. Now I live further away, but find the event more than worth the journey.

I wish I could go with my Dominant… That will be the one bit of acting I do the entire day. He will be going with his best friend (along with his best friend’s boyfriend, who is into the Leather scene), and even though they are entering our world with our rules, I know better than to act like I belong to Kane with the two friends around.

I hate that. I’m not going to lie and say I’m fine with it when it eats at me..but I knew this going in. I’ve also watched our relationship change and progress radically since it started… and I hate the pain that we are both heading for.

It is 11 o’clock. Normally we are both in bed by now, snuggling or doing horribly wicked things to one another. Not tonight. Tonight he’s sitting at the kitchen table while I’m on the living room couch..and we might as well be miles away from one another. He’s lost in a different world that I can’t join in on, that I don’t want to join in on, figuring out what will happen with him and his wife. He needs to think about that, handle that situation, before he worries about handling a submissive. There are times when he needs the submissive… there are times when it’s much better for both of us if I stick to being the girlfriend.

We are at opposite ends of the spectrum right now. He is finally being brave enough to address what he should have eons ago in his vanilla life..and I ace for the BDSM side of our relationship. My head is back in a place where I long for the kiss of the flogger..where I want to be tied to the bed and fucked in every way imaginable. He seduced me by drawing me in between fucking me what feels like eons ago. I still remember those drawings, seeing how he saw me, and knowing then that I was fucked. That there would only be so long that I could fight this before I would cave.

I write this with raw emotions tonight. I don’t like feeling so far away from Kane…even though it’s necessary for both of us right now. He was incredible to me earlier. He took me shopping, something he finds to be almost painful, taxing and draining, because he knew my wardrobe was falling apart and I had interviews coming up. I now have interview ready clothes, along with a few essentials I had been lacking (my undies had gotten..well..sad… which is shameful for someone with a love of lingerie). He let me drag him from store to store without complaint.. the least I can do is give him the space to do what he needs to do with his wife.

So, while he types I will think about the red and black lace see-through bra I will wear to the dungeon on Friday, and how good the black and red corset looks on me. Or maybe I’ll do the cherry red… Definitely the tutu..

I have a feeling I will dream about being put on the cross tonight.. I miss it, finally. I need to play. REALLY play. I’m ready to be pushed again.

Tonight, I am simply yours.

~Rena

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