Endure

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Yes, I do, I believe
That one day I will be where I was
Right there, right next to you
And it’s hard, the days just seem so dark
The moon, the stars are nothing without you

Your touch, your skin,
Where do I begin?
No words can explain the way I’m missing you
Deny this emptiness, this hole that I’m inside
These tears, they tell their own story

You told me not to cry when you were gone
But the feeling’s overwhelming, it’s much too strong

Can I lay by your side, next to you, you
And make sure you’re alright?
I’ll take care of you,
And I don’t want to be here if I can’t be with you tonight

EVERY time I hear this Sam Smith song I think of Kane. I miss him.

It’s not as if he isn’t in my life. He is.. and I see him making a huge effort lately to give me time with him. That means so much right now. The man is going through absolute hell and still manages to leave a place beside him for me… He can’t be an acting Dom for me right now…and I despeately miss that…but it leaks out in other ways. In the way he treats me in the lovely mundane world. He watches out for me still..cares for me still even while he’s trying to keep the pieces of his life together. I beyond admire, adore, and love this man.. I am lucky to still wear his collar.

Yes, I’m still alive.. I’m chugging along in a chaotic world. Right now my world lacks kink and revolves around the almighty dollar. I can’t remember the last time I had sex… I’ve passed that phase of wanting to fuck just to fuck. It’s not going to be gratifying or cathartic. It will just make me feel disloyal to those I’m intimately,  emotionally involved with.

Valentines day weekend was.. unique for me. It has beome habit for me that when Kane needs time and space I reach out for Smith. I am lucky in that I seem to surround myself with men who have the patience of saints. Since we met in November Smith has heard me whine, and cry, and whimper, and beg.. and for some reason is still in contact with me. He is this giant safety bubble for me… He has a primary. Emotionally, I have a primary. The main spot is filled. We both identify as poly..and because the big spot is already claimed for both of us there’s no pressure. There’s just this lovely exploration of figuring out where this will go with us.

Valentines Day weekend was the first time he was out of reach the same time that Kane was. Both were equally unreachable. Both needed space during a time when hearts, flowers, and romance are all shoved down my throat left and right. I spent a good month glaring at stuffies and chocolate, knowing I would be alone on that day, mentally bracing for it.

What startled me was not the loneliness, but how I dealt with it. That it seems to have become this normal state of existance for me. I acknowledge the ache, the missing of these constant anchors in my life. Talking to Kane and Smith is part of my daily routine. The ache doesn’t stop me though.. it doesn’t wake the Sleeping Man. If anything I was over productive while they were gone, determined to get my shit together to make them proud.

Money sucks right now. Student loans are relentless and I don’t have much of a life. I’m not drowning. I’m just going. And going. And going. Keeping my head above water..and I’m pretty proud that I can finally pick up my own pieces. It’s just a lot of pieces to juggle. Down time can no longer exist.. I get one day a week when I’m not working and my work days are 10 hour days.

I can do this. I can do this. I tell myelf this over and over. I will not drop the ball. I will not hold the ball. I will endure.

Kink, or the idea of it, has become my reward for hard work. When I’m stressed shitless I make lists, attempt to get scattered thoughts in order. I write down when payments are due and how much. When I need how much money by. Marking when I will need to haul ass. And when I do it, when I get everything done and I go home to Poe at the end of the day, I look at my reward listand see what I can obtain first.

The entire list is kinky..the beginnings of a personal toy kit that I can guarantee will be kept safe and be used just on me. The items range from a new flogger with the weight and bite that I crave to a new rainbow tail, to an Alyson Tyler novel I’ve wanted to read for months. Some of the items will take a long time for me to afford… because there is a mundane list of needs. Groceries. A new laptop (yup. Still haven’t replaced my stolen one. Typing on my tablet at the moment). A flight home to see my little sister’s play in March.

I can do it. I can do it. Endure. Just endure. Just keep going… Make them proud. Make myself proud.

I am Rena. and I am still here.

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