Doubts

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I’m still here. I still exist.

I have had my reasons for being quiet. One being that emotionally I’m just… not there. I can’t process anything right now.. It’s been a rough couple of weeks, and it will be a while before my emotions and I see eye to eye again.

Another reason being..well.. tied into the emotional cluster fuck. I can’t talk about a lot going on in my life right now for fear of making things worse than they are already. I miss it though. I miss writing in this blog.

Two days ago Cal reached out to me, to make sure that I was still functional. Briefly, my mind went to the date, and registered that it was the anniversary of the Boston Bombing yet again. A year ago I had a panic attack in the studio remembering the day. Cal had calmed me down through texts so that I could get through the day.

It’s amazing how a year can change things. I registered the date..and I didn’t freeze. I didn’t panic. I actually worked through the day.

I should be proud of myself. I have survived almost 2 years on my own in San Francisco. I have found my own niche, my own life, even if it is relatively solitary. I make it by. I take care of a little fuzzy psychopath, along with other things and people. I make art when I can.. both when I have time and when I have it in me.

These last few weeks have done a fucking number on me though. I’m trying not to show the hurt, the parts of me broken and snapped and…shattered. Trying to work through it, because the truth is that I have no control, what so ever. I am a submissive. I gain freedom from giving up control, most of the time… but when the lack of control involves waiting, and crying, and worrying, and replaying fifty thousand conversations in your head to point out all the ways in which you fucked up and you are a horrible person… Well, you can see where the spiral begins.

I’m still midway through it. I don’t know when things are going to get better. I will continue to put one foot in front of the other, to see what each new day will bring. But Godde do I hurt.

I tried to have a productive morning.. I was Googling art internships in the city to see what I could dive into, and came across Madison Young. She is someone I admire greatly. Her memoir, Daddy, is incredible and worth reading. It gives you a powerful look into the mind of a submissive as well as the world of Kink.com, the Upper Floor, and what it takes to make it by in the sex, kink, and art worlds.

She’s speaking at Boundless, in San Francisco, along with her partner James Mogul and a bunch of other incredible kinky people that I admire. It’s the exact same weekend as an event on the east coast that I have been looking forward to for months. Saving for. Getting ready for. Planning a huge trip home around it (complete with Poe in tow). I could just go to Boundless.. it’s cheaper. It’s closer. It would mean boarding Poe for a weekend… It’s the easier option.

But when, realistically, do I ever choose the easier option?

There are so many doubts buzzing through my messed up little head right now… I worry that I am a horrible submissive, that I’ve disrespected my Dominant, that he wouldn’t want me anymore. I look at the remnants of my kinks and desires and see…so much damage, including a side of myself placed back in its box, away so that I don’t need to look at the wreckage from when I was brave.

That part of me has been… dealing with it in an interesting way. Disney movies and CDs rented from the local library. I was listening to one of the CDs in my car going to work yesterday and a song from Pocahontas 2 started playing. Not one of my favorite movies… but a song that really struck home. I know it’s incredibly corny to post song lyrics.. but my words are limited these days. My head’s not in a space for writing and it kinda struck home a little bit. So.. I share, and that is how I will end this post.

The earth is cold
The fields are bare
The branches fold against the wind that’s everywhere

The birds move on
So they survive
When snow so deep
The bears all sleep to keep themselves alive

They do what they must for now
And trust in their plan
If I trust in mine, somehow I might find who I am

CHORUS
But where do I go from here?
So many voices ringing in my ear
Which is the voice that I was meant to hear?
How will I know?
Where do I go from here?

My world has changed and so have I
I’ve learned to choose
And even learned to say goodbye

The path ahead’s so hard to see
It winds and bends but where it ends
Depends on only me

In my heart I don’t feel part of so much I’ve known
Now it seems it’s time to start,
A new life on my own

CHORUS
But where do I go from here?
So many voices ringing in my ear
Which is the voice that I was meant to hear?
How will I know?
Where do I go from here?

Until I am in a better place

-Rena

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One thought on “Doubts

  1. FUCK that’s a good song. Corny, sure, but as poetry it just scratches an itch…
    Ive been haunting you for a while now. This finally dropped a line from me.
    Be seein ya, Missy.

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