My love for corsets goes back long before I ever entered into the world of kink. It goes back to my Rennie days long before I ever had boobs (yes! Such a time existed).
Corsets provide a comfortable support when I need them to. They synch me in all the right ways. They make me feel better in my own skin and make me feel like a kinky goddess. I admit that I look DAMN good when I’m properly laced.
But there’s a delicate balance between the right amount of laced up that you look damn good and so much that you can only wear the thing for an hour or two.
The other night I spent time with a friend of mine that I’ve gotten close to since going to Fusion. We were going out to dinner and he referenced me as something I hadn’t expected. His “23 year old girlfriend”.
Whether said in a joking manner or not, it made me very uncomfortable. Surprisingly so. I had to bite back saying “but I’m James’s girlfriend.”
I am just getting to the point with James that I’m not afraid to be mushy. Walk into Wicked Grounds on a Wednesday and you’re likely to find us curled up together at some point. I’m not afraid to ask for kisses, or grab his hand (when he’s.. You know.. Still), or even kneel at his feet. It’s becoming easy to be around him… To feel like I should be around him.
At the same time it’s only been a couple of months since we became an actual thing. With a name and labels. And not just play partners.
I’ve come to terms with the feels. Feels are a thing. I’ve made peace with the fact that when I feel threatened my first thought is to reach out to him.. Because being around him is the safest thing I know.
This is the support. The boning of the corset that keeps your back straight and your stomach in. Now how tight are you willing to pull the laces?
We are poly. I am poly, on my own, without Jame’s influence. Poly means other people involved in one way or another.
I have no issues with poly play. None. I know who I belong to and I enjoy playing with others. I enjoy James watching. Hell, I enjoy watching him play with others. I feel no insecurities in the dungeon or the club what so ever.
It’s in the outside world that my mind races and I crave tightened laces.
We were curled up together today talking about finally going on a date and I made a crack about scheduling me in if he has to. His retort was “well that’s part of poly. Scheduling in dates.” And I froze.
I don’t want to be monogamous. I don’t think I know how to be anymore. But the idea of him going on other dates and me being someone else’s girlfriend? Him having other girlfriends?
There’s dating in our world and then there’s dating in the vanilla world. I know that. And while the comfort level is wonderful it also means that very hard questions have started forming in my head. Things that I do and don’t want to ask him. What if I want to pull the strings tighter, and instead of tightening the corset he lets go?
That risk is always there, along with the quiet fear that I am “too much”. That I am not what he signed up for.
In my little subby heart I am a hopeless romantic. As often as I’ve been burned I still think about hearts and flowers. Stargazing and picnics in the park. Yes, he’s beaten me.. To the point where I crave the pain as much as the pleasure. And yes. The kinky fuckery is fun. But wanting more is a scary thought.
How do you tell the man that doesn’t do relationships and is constantly surrounded by stunningly beautiful, sexy people that you don’t want to see anyone else? Because that’s the nitty gritty of it. I don’t. Playing and play dates are fine, encouraged even… But having actual other relationships? I don’t think I can.. At least not until he and I are on more stable ground.
I suppose it’s time to hand the laces to him and ask him to pull… And see what happens.