Last night upset me, in a way that I was not expecting. This is a post… But it is also kind of a rant.
I have a network of very close friends here in the Bay Area. We watch out for one another, especially the submissives. All of us are well aware of just how easy it is for a sub to get in trouble or get hurt, especially when multiple partners are in the equation (the majority of us identify as poly as well as our D/s roles).
Yesterday I had a conversation with one of these friends that upset me a great deal. I’m not going to go into details, but life has been hard for her lately. She is an owned and collared submissive. That relationship dynamic should, in theory, make the struggles of life a bit easier. When a submissive has the support of a Dominant, obstacles seem less insurmountable. There is always someone there, and if they can’t share the burden they can at least help you navigate it. So many submissives react with pure emotion. The Dom often counters with logic and order; next steps that are clear, necessary things to balance all the crazy in our heads.
Common issues many submissives seem battle are anxiety and depression. That statement is not meant to be a knock in any way, as I can be thrown in with the “many” on that, nor is it meant to be a gross generalization (ie: all subs are depressed and anxious, as I know that isn’t true). It is just something I have observed over time. I’ve also seen a good D/s dynamic calm a sub who had a very hard time balancing his emotions. There is something about the dynamic that brings a lot of subbies a peace that feels impossible to attain otherwise. Chaos has the ability to become clarity when a collar is placed around the neck and a hand delves into hair and pulls..
My friend is one of us that suffers from anxiety and depression. She is also one that feels better with the support of her Dom and with that interaction. When they are actively playing and are healthy she is fine, smiling, happy. When they are not…
Yesterday our conversation was full of tears and hiccups, sadness and fears. It made me worry for her more than I have in a long time. Worry happens, sadness happens, anxiety happens. James has told me multiple times that people cry in relationships. That it’s normal. While lots of this made me sad and empathetic, none of this made me upset.
What made me upset, and what spurred me to write this in the first place, was that she has begun self-harming again. She had made no effort to hide this from her Dominant, the man she trusted with her well being. He had seen the evidence, the cry for help, and he had not intervened.
For me, self-harm is a complicated thing that can manifest in different ways. I very rarely physically cut my own body when I was in high school… But my best friend did. She carved words into her thighs and arms. I never had the stomach for it. Instead, I attacked my stomach. I would binge and purge for years, starting at 14 and going steady until around 19 when I tried to stop, with a few hiccups here and there. Both of us knew we were doing harm to our body, but we still did it. We were both depressed, anxious, and had a heaping dose of self-loathing deep within our subconscious. I know the path of self-harm and self-hate way too well. I still struggle with it.
To see the evidence on someone I hold dear and to know her Dominant had not acted when clearly this was a cry for help? My blood boiled.
Friends can only do so much. Listen so much. We can’t deliver the level of peace that one’s Dominant or significant other can. We can listen, we can advice, but it’s very hard for us to make those bad voices, those inner demons, stop. Unfortunately and fortunately it is usually one’s Dominant that has the power to make the demons stop, not because they don’t have demons themselves but because their demons play nice with that particular submissive’s. They understand. That is why we say yes to being their’s.
I belong to my Dominant for many reasons. He’s handsome, yes, I’m attracted to him, yes. He makes me laugh and squeak and squeal, and I love him for it. But he also takes the time to REALLY listen to me and notice things, even when he really has no time he can give me.
As my friend confessed to the self-harming and told us about the difficulties she was going through I found out that a job that had given me problems was no longer a job that I had to worry about.. The people that had hired me decided that the position was no longer necessary. This was a relief and a stressor all at once because the job was mostly unwanted, but was also good money that I could use. I will need to find its replacement, along with another job that will be ending in December. All this swirling around in my head combined with the hard conversation with my friend led my mood to spiral.
My Dominant was not there. It has been a challenging, busy month for him with lots of Tetris and figuring things out. I knew he would get there. He works for the event that would be later in the evening. It was just a matter of when.
Timing had it that he arrived just as my friend decided she was leaving. He got the reader’s digest version of what was going on with her. I saw the anger on his face. Heard words of comfort.
When she left I sunk to my knees in front of Sir and laid my head on his lap, something I do often. I knew we had just a couple minutes before the night’s events would begin. I started to ramble frantically, trying to give him the evening’s synopsis in just a few minutes between my job stuff, the emotions left over from the conversation with our friend, other things going on that had me near frantic and in tears.
He stopped me. His arms were wrapped around me, holding me to him, surrounding me, and he stopped my racing thoughts with two simple sentences. A moment of time.
“You’re in my arms now, darlin’. I’ve got you.”
I hadn’t even realized I was falling, and he caught me. He can’t fix any of the problems, but he can make the racing thoughts stop by being there. By giving me that moment and reminding me that I matter. That I’m important. That when shit hits the fan and I can’t think logically anymore he is there. Even when there is no time for it he’s there for me.
I belong to my Sir, but I don’t wear his collar yet. I am owned but only wear a collar at events, and yet he takes the responsibly of the primary partner seriously. He is my partner, my protector, my friend, and so many other thing without the big, scary collar even being in place.
When you collar a submissive, when you take one on and call them yours, you’re not just taking on her body. You’re taking on her mind, her heart, and her soul into your care. She’s trusting you with her whole being, and depending on you to be there to quiet those demons when they get too loud. No collared submissive should be able to get away with self-harming under a Dominant’s nose. Nor should a submissive’s cry for help ever be ignored, or thought of her ‘wanting too much attention.’
I know that Dominants are human as well. That they are flawed. That sometimes they just don’t know what to do. That’s fine. At least vocalize that when you notice something wrong with your submissive. Show you care. Don’t leave a subject untouched because it’s too damn scary or deep. Don’t let things deteriorate to the point where your submissive it putting herself through harm just to make you look twice. Listen. Support. Be there. Notice.
The moment that collar is locked around their neck, you do your duity as their Dominant to the best of your ability or you choose to release them. Anything else is unfair.
Yours, protective and still upset