Shedding this cocoon of numbness that I have been wrapped in has been a slow process. It started, honestly, with moving. The move allowed me to begin again, to breathe in a variety of ways. My rent, when I can pay it, is quite literally a third of what I was paying. After being in the financial gutter for so long this is allowing me to slowly dig myself out. Where I live is similar to my first ‘big girl’ apartment. It’s a converted garage that’s one big room, with access to the main house but privacy for both myself and Poe. I’ve missed having my own separate space… Where I can go and decompress when the house is just too much.
I haven’t needed to do that all that much, to be honest. I adore my roommates. They adopted me so quickly I think I had whiplash for a while, going so far as to make me a bridesmaid in their wedding. Talk about an honor… The house is kinky going so far as to host play parties for humans and human critters. There are game nights and socials… And one of the best parts of it all is that they are damn close to my Master. They’ve known James much longer than I have, and when they first offered me the space outright said that it was because I’ve been with James for so long. That if he thinks I’m that wonderful then I must be. I hope I am proving my worth.
The move also allowed me to get a job that is essentially a 9-5 (though the hours tend to be closer to 11-7, which suits this little night owl just fine). I have INCOME again. Real income from a real job, not three odd jobs. I get an odd pleasure from the job. It’s not glamorous. It’s a food delivery job. But it pays well, feeds me.. And it’s oddly nice to have to show up somewhere. To have shifts. To have an actual working job. I’m just starting to reap the rewards of my first couple weeks of full time work. I got my first big paycheck and it’s the start of getting myself financially back on track. The one job with guaranteed income means I have time that is mine again.. And slowly my creative self has begun to emerge once more. Thank Godde.
There is some bad with all the good. My credit is shot from two months of unpaid bills. My car needs to be replaced… It’s a clunker that can’t pass smog, which means saving for a new one… But coming up with a couple grand in a couple of months isn’t an impossible feat anymore.
The biggest reboot has honestly happened between James and I, and incredibly recently at that.
He started a new job around the same time I started mine. Suddenly we both have set schedules we have to work with, along with other issues… One or the other of us kept getting sick (to the point where James ended up at the ER). Things always got in the way of time together, pushing play off more and more.
In certain ways it’s harder when your partner says no because of an issue they have no control of. Rejection for almost two months straight took its toll, culminating in a Valentine’s Day that was a complete disaster. So much so that we’re doing a Valentine’s Day redo.
I finally hit my wall. After being in tears on Valentine’s Day I needed to talk to my Master. It had been so long since any sexual play that I felt similar to when we were in the bare beginnings of our relationship, where we hardly saw each other and got no alone time. Only we were seeing each other and he wasn’t touching me. Or kissing me. Or letting me touch him. There were reasons, good reasons… But that didn’t take away from the fact that I missed the taste of his cock in my mouth. That I craved his hands on me, his fingers in me…
A slave and a girlfriend cannot always come first. I’m well aware of this, especially with a Master like mine who can get so damn single minded when it comes to his work. I normally have no qualms with this. I love watching my Master work, love seeing him do what he loves. But there is a very large difference between being lower on the totem pole at times and feeling like I got left off the damn thing entirely.
And so, on Wednesday for our normal BaGG night I did something bolder than I have done for a long time. After a horrible holiday and detachment during the following days I had hit an emotional wall. Every step in our relationship I had initiated. I had asked him out. I had asked what we are, if we were his. I found my day collar and asked if I could have it. If I could truly belong to him as his slave. He has his reasons for this. He never wants to take more than is offered to him… But it had me wondering if he was taking it all just to put me at ease. With all the problems we were having especially… I wanted to know that he wanted me. That he wanted us. I needed to know that to get through all the vanilla mire and muck that surrounded us.
And so on Wednesday I showed up with a bare neck. No day collar. No slave ring. No markings of his ownership on me. I wanted him to ask me to put the collar on. Call me selfish… But he had never properly asked me. And if he didn’t.. I mentally prepared myself. I would step back. Take off the collar. Be his girlfriend only for a little while and work the D/s back in with time.
I had my backup plan.. And as always, my Master surprised me.
We had hours before BaGG.. I told him I needed to talk. In his arms, curled up on our favorite couch in Wicked Grounds, I told him everything on my mind. That the lack of physical touch and play was doing some serious damage to my mind.. That I was struggling. That I was hurt. I told him what I needed.. Which is something very hard for me. I needed him to fight for me. To make an effort. To touch me and connect with me. And if he couldn’t to release me.
I held my breath. He didn’t respond right away. Just sat in silent with this look on his face like I kicked his puppy. “Oh Godde” I thought, “I’ve gone too far. He’s done. We’re done…”
“So, where is your ring?” I have a slave ring instead of a collar, which I wear on my left ring finger… The finger where all the BIG RINGS OF MEANING tend to go. He knew me well enough to know I had it on me. I don’t like being without my collar, or the pendant he gave me.
I pulled both out of my bag silently and handed them to him. Before I could lean back on the couch and get comfy again he was leaning forward.
He kissed me. REALLY kissed me. Not a peck. Not a goodbye kiss. A toe curling, leg popping, holy fuck I forgot this was this good kiss.
While I sat stunned, he slipped the pendant back around my neck before kissing me again.
Finally, FINALLY, I started breathing again. It felt so good… His hands, his his lips, his teeth on my body…
I don’t know if I was just so touch starved, or if my body is becoming more sensitive, or if it just felt that good.. But there was a point where he was biting and sucking at my neck where it stopped just being ooh that feels nice and became something more..
Somehow, without touching me below the belt, my Master made me cum in the middle of Wicked Grounds.
After, he pulled me into his chest while I dropped, his massive arms wrapped around me and cocooning me in him. I felt better.. Much, but my finger was still bare.
He kissed the top of my head as my breathing returned to normal. “Give me your hand.”
Nervous, I poked him playfully. “Here ya go!”
He wasn’t feeling so playful… My chest got a couple nails dug into my chest for the smart assery.
I presented my hand to him, and he slid on the ring that was now comfortably warm from him holding it. He did it with such tenderness and reverence.. And then kissed me so sweetly, so lovingly, that I turned into a puddle.
Needless to say, this ring is only coming off if my finger gets cut off or if it gets replaced with another ring.
Since that day… I feel refreshed. I’ve gotten some desperately needed time with him.. Even alone time. I am covered in my Master’s marks again, and no longer have to beg for kisses or play. Finally, the message has been heard… I had to speak it though. My Master is many things, but he isn’t psychic.
More to come, as always
Yours on the mend