Tag Archives: BDSM

Playing with Fire

I am not the easiest person to get close to anymore.

There was a time when it was much easier; where conversation and connection was a casual thing and I didn’t worry about what could happen or how I would get hurt or.. any of that.

Time and trauma are funny things. I’m 27 now. I’ve kept this blog since I was 22. In those five years I have changed and grown so much. I remember starting this journey unable to fathom polyamory and having insecurities left, right, and sideways about it. Now.. I can’t imagine not being polyamorous. Only choosing one partner? HOW? They all fill such different needs.

I can’t imagine my life without kink either, though there are times when I’ve tried. Lately my needs haven’t been met in the kink department. Part of that is my own doing; life has gotten in the way to a large extent and having spoons and capacity to get to events is.. hard. I’ve had prior commitments and partners going through some bumps that required emotional support that overshadowed my need for a good beating. Part of it is because trusting people is very, very difficult for me these days.

Trauma changes you. PTSD has left its mark on me in the form of a brain that is not neuro-typical, and it makes dating, especially in the kinky world, harder. It also doesn’t help that I can play very heavy when in the right headspace and that can scare new tops. I have a very, very sweet partner that’s the closest to vanilla I’ll ever go these days; a big bear of a man by the name of Rowan. He’s a cowboy, and I ride him frequently (saving lots of horses, ba dum bum tish). The sex is fantastic. We wrestle, and bite, and fuck each other senseless..but he’s not comfortable choking me. Or hitting me. Or pulling my hair. The poor man offered to earlier today when he saw I was close to squirming from lack of heavy play and I had to explain that the bottom doesn’t enjoy having the crap beaten out of them unless the top enjoys themselves as well. It’s that sadist’s grin I always look for. And my sweet Rowan is no sadist. He’s a fantastic human that can handle me when I break and that has a very very pretty penis. But he’s no sadist.

A man that is, and a heavy one at that, is Cal. As long as we have known each other we have only played a handful of times, for so many reasons. There’s always this wee bit of tension between Cal and I; words left unsaid that will likely never be said. We circle one another like predator and prey, one or the other lunging forward from time to time and initiating something more than our typical friendship. After the mentorship, and after one of Cal’s longer-term crazy ex’s, he became one of my safe people. He had no interest in me, I thought, and so there was no chance of partnership. No chance of him seeing more of my broken pieces than he already has. There are gaps in our history of knowing one another. In those gaps.. I changed.

It was a few weeks ago. I was at BaGG. Ryan left early because of a very long day and I was left to my own devices. This typically means head pets and drinks from Cal (of the non-alcoholic variety these days. 9-5 necessities).

I was.. poorly behaved. Venting about Ryan and some of the on-again off-again issues we had been having. Ryan and I are going on two years of dating. It’s not new and shiny anymore, and I am the partner that sees the most. It’s a good thing and a bad thing, but that’s a conversation for another day.

Returning to the current conversation, Cal and I flirted, as we often do when I’m at BaGG and there’s alcohol. He offered to beat me. I said yes.

I shouldn’t have. Not with alcohol in his system and me already worn and without a partner there. This is very much on me.

The scene itself was good, as our few scenes often are. I ended up on the spanking bench, which is much less enjoyable for me than the cross because I can take less, but I wanted catharsis. Cal hits HARD. He’s not afraid to be mean. Sometimes I need that, I admit. He says the right sadist things, like how he loves seeing my tears. He pushed me to breaking. I fell, and called yellow when I felt too much. Outside of a couple hits that just..didn’t land right because of how my frame hits the horse it was exactly what I needed but was afraid to ask for.

The aftercare.. was on me. I started crashing HARD, and managed to crash midway through a heavy conversation with Cal. My body typically gets very cold after a heavy scene. I physically shiver and need contact or a warm place to come back down. I felt the shivers, felt my level of fatigue, and realizing that I didn’t have capacity to communicate that I needed more aftercare I did the next best thing. I vocalized that I needed to go.

I have my goodbye routine pretty well down at BaGG. When I’m at max capacity I go and I find James. I give him a hug and a nuzzle, tell him to get his stubborn ass home, and I peace out.

I was waiting for James for that goodbye and could see him, finally. I had to wait. Cal was waiting too. He had wanted to walk me out. I saw him behind me for a moment and then felt an arm around my neck.

Normally I like choking. It’s one of my favorite things, along with hair pulling and face fucking and hard smacks to the ass and… you get it. Because of where I was mentally it was NOT a good thing. It was a shock to my system that thought the scene was long over and needed to go to bed and caused my crash to intensify. After the choke Cal crushed me against his chest. Normally this is also a very good thing, but I could see James. I could see him but couldn’t get to him, couldn’t get out of Cal’s arms. Panic grew. He finally let me go and I ran, frazzled, out of the club. At home I broke, horribly, with one of my partners holding me while my brain fractured into too many pieces. Eventually I crawled into bed at about 3 am somewhat put back together.

I had a date with Ryan the next evening. He already knew that the night had ended rough and checked in with me in the morning to see how I was. I was at a stage where I was having issues with words, even to him. It happens when I break sometimes; words feel like they’re trapped in quick sand in my mind. It’s so difficult to vocalize and I fight the urge to shut down and turtle.

That night I curled up in his lap and we talked through the evening, even the parts where I vented about him. Ryan listened intently and asked the right questions, a frown forming on the face when I told him about the choke at the end of the night. He asked if I had reached out to Cal and told him any of this yet. I answered honestly that I hadn’t. That I didn’t plan to. My brain did a thing and it wasn’t his fault.

It was Ryan that pointed out that alcohol may have played a part and misreading the signals that I was done for the night, and possibly the removal of alcohol would make for a much safer scene and aftercare. I couldn’t argue. Cal and I have done one scene at the Citadel together and though it was heavy and my height makes things more challenging for him it was absolutely fucking wonderful; heavy impact that made me fly with a force that I only ever have gotten from James. From a safe person.

Ryan is my Daddy, my protector. He asked me what I needed to feel safe around Cal. I made up the rule of removing alcohol from play, and contacted him the next day.

… To say it didn’t go well would be an understatement.

Cal has the ability to make you feel like a shining star when his full attention is on you. He also has the ability to make any human feel damaged, or broken, or worthless. My hurt ended up hurting him in such a way that he through up walls so quickly I got whiplash. He said that we were incompatible. That clearly he had misread the signs and the scene didn’t go well. That I had chosen to blow him off and not tell him what was going on the day before. There were other things I really don’t feel like rehashing and I’m not to a place where I can scroll through the messages and give ya’ll direct quotes. I got thrown away again, as I have been in the past. But he wanted to be friends. With slight censorship to our conversations. So, friends but not really.

I was surprised how much the rejection from Cal hurt. I knew I loved him. I don’t think I realized until then how much I actually wanted him. How much I wanted him to want me as well. There was a part of me that I think saw the play as a positive thing; something that could even become regular. I had often debated asking Cal if we could try going on an actual date and drop the circling act. Just.. dive in and see what happened. He was the first one in the kink world to notice me. That has always meant something. He’s also the only one that I’ve let throw me away over, and over, and over again. Because he was special. Because he mattered. Because he was safe, and I loved him even though I saw he was very flawed. I do not idolize him. At this point I know Cal way too well to. I call him on his bullshit at times.

I called him on this. I said something akin to he was too busy kicking his own ass to actually here what had happened and what I was asking him for. When he kept going I asked for space. He kept going again. I asked him for more space. I asked him not to reply. And control freak that he is, he replied.

I remember staring at the last message, crying, and throwing my phone.

I haven’t been to BaGG in two weeks.

Ryan has no interest in going anymore, which breaks my heart on a couple levels. He has so much going on that we haven’t played. In that time my brain has been eating me alive thanks to other things, always coming back to the fact that I’m broken. That I’m defective. There was..more hurt than I want to admit from that exchange between Cal and I. There was a lot of disappointment and a lack of trust.

He will catch me if I fall, so long as he didn’t cause that fall.

Today he texted me, a sweet check in. And I don’t know how to respond to it. Someone that used to be one of the safest people to me in my mind hurt me.. a lot. Not in a bad scene. Not in a bad drop or aftercare. But after. When I said things had gone wrong for me and this was the boundary that I needed to feel safe.

I won’t have Ryan with me at BaGG next week. And I need to get past this fear and just.. go. I feel frozen. Overwhelmed. There are no spoons. Life is pummeling me and there’s no relief in sight. I don’t know when the next time I will play will be. The number of people that are safe for me continue to dwindle. My world continues to shrink as I try so hard not to collapse under the weight of needs that I cannot fill for myself.

I gave into the temptation to play with fire. I got burned. And I don’t know where to go from here. If there’s anywhere to go. I don’t know what Cal sees when he looks at me anymore, or what he thought about me before all this.

I guess I’ll never know now.

Yours, hurting but slowly mending,

Rene

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When the World Comes Crashing Down

There’s no how-to for the worst. No one likes to talk about the hard truths of M/s or 24/7 dynamics; that they are hard, almost impossible to maintain. That they require time and energy and commitment on both ends. That they can be draining on vanilla life. On your mental health. That unless you have the spoons and tools and time to put into it, that you shouldn’t do it. M/s is BEAUTIFUL, but there are degrees in it. No one tells you any of these things until it’s too late. This is the letter I needed to see a little over two years ago.

Dear little lost one,

Breathe. I know it hurts. I know everything is on fire and numb all at once, but you need to breathe. It’s going to hurt long before it gets better.

Put away the phone. Out of sight, a little bit less in mind. I know you don’t want to hear this, but distance is the best thing in the world for you right now. You’re not going to wake up and have everything suddenly get better. You can’t undo what’s been done, nor should you. The world is different. There was a collar and now there isn’t. It’s okay to hurt, to feel it. It’s okay to cry, and scream like an animal, but don’t get lost in it. Each time it feels like too much close your eyes and breathe. Get through the pain bit by bit.

Next challenge is eating. No one is going to tell you to. Not even if you check that phone that should still be living in your purse for another week or so. Nothing is going to taste good. But like I said, it’s going to hurt a lot before it gets better and it can’t get better if you die of malnutrition along the way. Instant meals are your friend, for now. Consume as needed.

You don’t have to pretend that it’s all okay. I know it isn’t. Your direction is gone, and that’s terrifying. Your protector is gone. Your safe space is suddenly the most painful thing in your life. You aren’t anyone’s.

Here’s the thing. Before you were anyone’s, you were yourself.

There was a time before the collar, just as there will be a time after, and while it’s hard to remember through the haze of pain you survived without the collar around your neck. Without a man called Master giving directions. Without having to ask permission for dates, and food, and play.

Now that you’re breathing, your phone is safely hidden, and you’ve gotten some food in your stomach here’s what you do.

Keep a healthy distance to allow time and space for healing. Do NOT go to a play event two days after breaking up and try to get him to spank your ass. Do NOT then drive him home and have to sit alone in a car with him till 5 am wondering if he will touch you or not. He won’t, and it will continue to confuse the fuck out of the reality that you two are done and everything is different.

Please understand that I am friends with a good portion of exes and former lovers. I’ve identified more and more as Demi as time has gone on. It takes an emotional closeness for me to want to be fucked senseless (although trust me, that’s there), and more often than not that means a fantastic friendship is built up before romance. Even after a romantic relationship ends I have typically resurrected a friendship in its place, but that takes time. A breakup puts you much further back than the beginning. You’re not starting at zero. You’re starting at -100 for trust, caring, intuition…did I mention TRUST? All of that takes time to heal, and won’t be easy. Time apart before trying to sew any sense of relationship together is a very, very good idea. It will feel strange, but until you’ve put yourself back together and remembered who you were before you were a WE there’s nothing to be rebuilt.

You can’t go back in time. Wanting you two back together is one thing, but don’t try to resurrect what was when you spend time together. It will be very hard to call him your ex. It will be hard to say friend. Or former partner. Practice it, to yourself. And no, you’re not a freak for doing so. Practice saying his name instead of Master or Sir, over and over, until you stumble less. It’s not a curse word. It’s not too informal, and sometimes it can hurt less to say “Oh James and I aren’t together” rather than, “My ex Master”. Especially if his first name is foreign to you after having titles for so long. That little bit of the unfamiliar can give you a little extra time to adjust and heal. That phase of the relationship is over. There’s no definite on what will happen after, but you and them part one is closed.

Come up with a mantra or sentence for sticky and overly-painful situations where you don’t quite have the words. Like when someone asks you how your Master is and you just want to cry. Or scream. Or flip him the bird because he’s across the room and could see you do it. It’s going to be hard to respond with what you need to, that you two aren’t together anymore. There are going to be nights when you have to repeat it five, ten, twenty times because of circles you two run in, and it’s going to be a lot easier for the one that removed the collar than for the one missing it. These tough situations often mean freezing, or saying ‘good’ out of habit instead of answering with the long mouthful that is the truth. This will end in trouble if not remedied. Nothing causes waves more than the idea of you denying the breakup, and not being able to spit out that mouthful will look to your former partner as if that is what you’re doing. The phrase will absolutely suck, but give it time. It does eventually hurt less.

Decide what level you wish to be involved in the community. Or rather, what is a healthy level for you to be so. Relationships tend to change our relationships with the communities around them. Some need a break to recover. Others want to throw themselves back in at full speed

Be careful with breakup burnout. It’s a thing, where suddenly you go from taken to banging everything that moves until you crash and burn into an emo pile of woe and angst. Breakup rebounds are legit, just be careful you don’t throw yourself in with such gusto that you forget to feel the feels. And yes, feeling the feels is required. Numbing it with others won’t work. They’re not going to be able to itch that scratch that only one specific top cam, no matter how many souls you bottom for. It won’t make that itch go away. You’ll still want that specific touch, and the more you try to replace it with others instead of letting yourself feel the pain the more likely you’re going to cause more emotional trauma.

You matter as more than just “X’s Girl”. I know that’s hard to fathom after being someone’s is your entire identity. You were someone’s. Now, you are you, and that can be an amazing thing in and of itself. I know it seems like a lonely thing right now, but it being you and not the Master you always hide behind gives you space to sparkle. Be seen. And yes, you do deserve to be seen and you are worthy. Give it time. Give it some play parties that you go to alone, maybe ones you never went to with him. Give it nights out with friends that know just how to distract you and maybe even dates with other partners (especially if you’re poly).

In time, your relationship with your former Master may not be what you would want, but it will be what you need. It’s hard. You want them to scoop you up again and call them yours and bite you. But then you see the bags under their eyes, even when they aren’t having to worry about scheduling you in. You see lack of room for a partner, or all these issues you never noticed were there. Do you want to rebuild a friendship? Do you want to distance yourself and wait it out and see where romance could go? Do you want to continue to adapt to he changing relationship, or do you want to cut the chord. Guess what? You aren’t a slave in this choice. You have equal say in whatever this future will become.

Rebuilding anything will take time, and it very likely will not give you your hearts desire, but rebuilding at the start of friendship allows something unique. Suddenly your former Master is a man. He’s taken off his high horse and is human just like the rest of the men and women around you. Suddenly, flaws are visible. You watch and see mistakes. You see where something is his fault, or where he caused that. You see that not everything that went wrong was your fault. That there were two flawed humans in a relationship and sometimes that doesn’t end well.

You were human. So was he. That is allowed. And here, with formalities removed, you have the power to tell him no. To say something is too much. To call him an asshole and unfair when he’s being an asshole and unfair. You have the power to ignore your phone, and to avoid interactions and to draw boundary lies.

You both have the power to say what you two adapt into. That may mean a platonic friendship, that may mean a new romantic relationship with a switched up dynamic. That may mean both of you going separate ways down different paths. Either way, you will go on. You are more than just your Master’s. IF your brain is unkind and tells you that the opposite is true, you can always count on this.

Your Master picked you for a reason. There was something about you, in the beginning, that drew their eye. It was there before. It will be there again to draw another eye. You are so much more than just your Master’s, and if anything you will grow from this experience. It will hurt, and ache, and I can’t guarantee or promise that itch to be under that particular hand will ever be scratched for another. It hasn’t for me. I can’t promise that there will be a time that you aren’t hyper aware that he’s there, or what his needs are, or if he’s sick or tired or cranky.

I can say that in time you will laugh again. That food will taste good again. That eventually the hurt lessens, even if the small ache never quite goes away. You will come away knowing yourself better, both in what is healthy for you emotionally, and what you have the capacity to overcome. You are so much stronger than you think you are. Let a powerful relationship teach you, not bring you down.

I learned from my collar coming off that I was resilient as fuck. That I mattered in the community as more than James’s sqeaky toy and somewhere along the line had become an asset to them. I learned how to properly get in to a Citadel event when you weren’t a plus one, and discovered that I enjoyed being able to get myself in without the help of others. I enjoyed once again choosing what kink events I was involved in and which ones I missed. I controlled my schedule and didn’t have to double check with another every time I made plans.

You are so much more than what you think. You are capable of so much more. It’s okay to change with the loss of a collar. I can’t wear collars that lock, it’s a hard limit for me now. It’s much easier to be led by a harness than by a leash. I don’t submit as deeply as easily as I once did. There are lots of trust road blocks, and often play dynamics go at a very slow burn buildup for me. But I discovered a dynamic I didn’t even know existed in me with the partner that followed my Master, and while some itches aren’t being scratched so many new ones are. Different is very okay, and there’s so much more out there than M/s.

There is more than just this relationship. You will keep going. You will be okay.

Yours, then and now

Rene

 

 

 

 

 

Times, they are a Changin’

Great gods, how did I let so much time go by without writing? I am so sorry, honestly, both to those that enjoy reading this blog and to myself for cutting off a good source of processing and catharsis.

Obviously, I still live. I still breathe. I still am kinky, and poly, and all my relationships are in tact. Even Ryan and I, despite what my last entry may have led readers to think. We’ve had our bumps. We continue to. But we are still a we.

I have many things to catch you all up on. I have a new partner, a new title (Church of All Words May Queen..there’s a story, I promise. Or more than likely a blog entry all its own), a fiance (also a story/blog entry), a job that I continue to love every day, and still no damn clue what I am doing! WEEEEEEEE. Oh, and I had an Ace at Fusion with me this year. Multiple times, in multiple ways, and I left marks.

I am sitting in my favorite cafe, munching on one of my favorite sandwiches while I wait for James and for BaGG. I’ve struggled with anxiety, mental illness, and the need at timesto take time away from the community I love with everything in it. I’ve questioned my role in it so many times, because if I’m not killing myself being super sub what am I even doing?

And I’m still here. I’m still kinky, a bit more queer than I was at the start of this journey, much more switchy… and ready for more.

I’m going to catch you all up as much as I can, I promise. To start, I would like to write the entry that I needed to read over two years ago.

I am still yours, dear reader.

And I’m back

-Rene

Things Left Unsaid

368FFA55-D996-469B-9E7B-CB3A71A9D030I don’t normally end dates with Ryan in tears… He’s actually one of the few sadists in my life that dislikes making me cry. Tonighthas been… a lot

Let me backtrack.

Today started out a little rocky to begin with. I hadn’t realized that the partner Ryan had the slip with was spending the night. He had forgotten to tell me, and I found out in a nonchalant ‘she just left and I’m gonna go take a nap’ message.

I twanged. Badly.

I took off my mark from him and let myself cry and try to process. It hit hard because it felt like he was hiding it from me. That is illogial. There’s no reason he would hide it from me. He tells me when he has dates with others, as I do him. He told me about the date. He just. Neglected the overnight. And honestly thought he had told me.

Which is something my brain still doesn’t trust.

I got there, eventually. Bruised, and a little bit weary logical brain started kicking in. It had to. I had a date with Ryan two hours after I found out his other partner stayed the night and I couldn’t show up a hot mess. I wanted to have a good date with him. The one before had been..nice. Mellow. Low key. But Sundays were when we usually played. It had been over a week since he’d touched me in any way sexually, the longest since we started dating, and I wanted his hands on me.

He’s had a busy last couple of weeks. One of my meta’s came in to town and spent the weekend last week, and work, a case of the sniffles, and a date last night had him worn. I could see that long before he disappeared for a couple of hours for a weekly meditation group. Logic brain braced myself for lack of play and told myself that it was alright. That just because we didn’t play tonight didn’t mean he doesn’t want me.

Illogical brain, however, was still craving touch. When he confirmed that he wasn’t up to playing tonight I swallowed  the illogical frustration and did something stupid. Without thinking, I reached out and vented to my roommate to try and calm down. Ryan knows me and my reactions well, and I do flair up emotionally quickly and easily before coming back down. I wanted the flair to die off faster; wanted to just get on with the rest of my night and enjoy it. Venting helps.

He saw the venting. He ended up frustrated and upset. Which. Made me even more upset and unsettled.

He voiced frustrations of how pressured he feels by me, and how often he finds it difficult to say no because of my reactions and I felt.. lost. I don’t know how to respond to that.. When I tell him truthfully that I really want to play and he’s not in the mood he gets frustrated by seeing my disappointment and feels pressured. When I don’t express the need to play and try to swallow what I’m feeling and get over it faster I get chided for not telling him when something is wrong.. But what’s the right reaction at this point? What’s safe? I want and desire my partner. I can’t just turn of the “damn that sucks” when I feel it without it showing a little..  And that’s all it is. It’s a “damn that sucks” moment that fades as I adjust. Touch is a huge love language for me. And he does touch me in nonsexual ways often. He will stroke my arm when we cuddle watching a movie or pet my hair. But there’s a difference between that and grabbing my ass while we cuddle, or slipping a hand under my clothing as he used to. It’s touch expressed in a very different way. And I miss it. I’m allowed to miss it. I am an emotional squishball. It takes me half a beat to adjust, and sometimes he just can’t understand why. He doesn’t need that half a beat, and I envy him. I do. I can also see why it frustrates him, that I get hung up on feels between points A and B sometimes  I’m getting better at not being ruled by my emotions but they still make an impact when they hit. There is a step between “oh, I was looking forward to that” and “it’s okay things change and these plans will be fun too!”

Lately, it’s been harder to adjust. I am very secure in poly so long as I know my place and know that place is good. I am Ryan’s little girl. A lot of that ends up being expressed sexually. We indulge in dark age play rather frequently, and thanks to Ryan a lot of things that I thought were too taboo have turned out..not to be so. Our scenes have gotten wonderfully twisted at times and I love them…but they seem to be happening less and less. He beats me at BaGG fairly frequently with his hands which I enjoy quite a bit, but the nights that we could go to the dungeon often get claimed before I can ask for them (there was a little event at Catalyst I had wanted to go to this weekend..and chickened out on bringing it up because he mentioned having a date Saturday with the other partner before I could, and I feel too guilty to ask him to bump the plans to another night). I see him after work, which is lovely, but often ends with him fatigued. We used to play at his place with impact from time to time, but he told me on Friday that he was afraid his walls were too thin for our impact. That was an honest disappointment. We did a scene months ago that ended with him fucking me while he hit me with the curry comb…and I loved it. It was raw and brutal and hurt in all the right ways..and it’s not something that would happen at the Citadel.

Right now he’s my only regular sexual partner, and that is on me. He mentioned during our tough discussion that he thought me finding others to sate my needs would be really good for him. Great. Yes. Fine. I”m working on that. “I’ve heard you turn down dates. They don’t have to be kinky.”

Here’s the problem. They kind of do. At least, for me.

I am not a collector. I am poly because I am realistic in that no person can sate all the needs of another. No one can fill all the slots of another or check all the boxes. And the needs that aren’t being filled for me are those deep, dark, submissive urges. My slave side. The part of me that craves protocol and formal D/s. I’m not going to get that from a vanilla relationship. I don’t honestly think I can have a vanilla relationship anymore. The kink community is too much a part of my day to day life. It’s a Dominant’s voice that turns me on, that gruff, toppy, no nonsense tone. It’s firm hands that will hold me down and fuck me one moment, beat the crap out of me at another moment, and pet and stroke me after all of it. Express that to a vanilla person and you find them running for the hills. And I’ve tried. I always end up feeling like the freak.

The problem with wanting, craving, the level of D/s that I do is that.. new partners don’t come easily. It’s hard to get that deep. It takes time, and there’s no guarantee of it. So, I can invest a year or two into someone and then it just.. stops when a wall gets hit. I am a LOT, with a lot of moving pieces and I’m aware of that. Get deep enough with me and you will find some jagged edges you can’t see at all from the surface. That takes time, and trust, and not something that can happen from a shallow relationship. I don’t find them fulfilling or worth my time. I work a lot. My time is valuable. And I find dating.. exhausting. With the shit I’ve been processing interracting with others has been MUCH harder than it’s been in the past, and this is interracting with established souls in my world. Trying to pull new people in right now is too much when I fear I’m already at max capacity.

Another problem is.. it’s not just about me getting laid. It would scratch an itch, yeah, but not the right itch. I have a very good relationshp with my favorite vibrator. I can take care of myself for quite a bit sexually. It’s the lack of contact with that particular partner, that lack of bond, that does fucked up things to my brain. Especially when I know play has happened with metas in the time that he and I have had a dry spell.

I feel.. displaced, tolerated instead of wanted, lost and confused and just.. placed on a shelf, picked up when useful and put back when I become too much. And I miss my Daddy. I haven’t been able to really little, really be his little girl, in weeks, and I miss that connection so much it physically hurts. There’s nothing that replaces that, no way that someone else could check those particular boxes. It doesn’t have to be sex. More than friendly pets, an extra hair tug, pinning me to the wall at BaGG and kissing me till my toes curl. Anything that hinted at want and desire, even if the body wasn’t physically up for it.. Even words. “When Daddy has the energy we should try BLANK. Would you like that, sweetie?” He used to mind fuck me, tease me, tell me naughty things we would do or try. There was a time early on where I teased him so much that he ‘made a mess’ in his shorts while he was at work and it turned me on so much I was close to cumming. I’ve tried engaging lately with hits and jokes and photos and it just..falls flat.

I don’t know how to ask for any of that without feeling like I’m pressuring him. I asked if I could write out a ‘little list’ about a week ago about things I wanted to explore while in little headspace that I don’t often have the words for when I’m there. He said it was a good idea. I haven’t been able to really start it…because I feel guilty for asking for anything. I don’t want him to think I’m greedy and asking for too much.

He’s disappearing for nine days this coming Friday, for a meditation course that I know will do him good. Him sitting settles a lot, and I’ve seen him more frustrated than normal and in poorer moods than his norm outside of anything between he and I. It will be amazing for him, and I’m so happy he’s going.

At the same time, the illogical, emotional little wants attention from her Daddy. Wants to be wanted by her Daddy. I asked if we could have a date on Tuesday and his immediate response was that he needed time to himself. He’s seeing me three days in a row. That’s a lot. But. They are three days where the chances of sexual contact are slim, especially before a meditation course where he will be abstaining from sexual anything. I’m staying over Thursday to drive him to that on Friday in the early afternoon. BaGG is purely social; no pink parts. By the time he gets back it will be a couple days shy of a month that he’s taken any of my holes, or wanted me naked. Or. Wanted me.

I am trying to at least get some play in during that time. The Dominant that I played with last Master’s Den reached out and suggested getting a cup of coffee or a drink and I jumped at it. I like him. There’s chemistry, and he’s vetted by my roommate. He’s safe, and knows how to hit the way I need, and made it no secret that he was attracted to me. I’m excited to see where it goes. I’ve also reached out to Grey to set up a long-overdue date, along with another friend that used to be a roommate. He understands the social anxieties well. We’ve had a not-a-date planned for eons, and while I don’t quite get a lady boner for his body his mind is INCREDIBLY sexy. I’ve been seeing Chris more often lately, and while we don’t have a sexual relationship I enjoy his company a great deal. I even have spent a bit of time with Cal, nonsexually of course. He’s safe, wonderfully safe. The way I figure it he and I are both jaded enough and have fucked up enough with one another enough times to realize that friendship needs to come before all else, and that our friendship is good and rock solid and REALLY not worth fucking up for a fuck. Even if it’s a good fuck.

I am not hermiting. I am actually trying to be more social than I have been in a long time and fill some needs that can’t wait around forever. It’s just. None of them are Daddy. None of them can be Daddy, nor would I want them to be. Every person whose company I keep are unique and different in their own ways.

And. I miss Daddy. I also love him, a lot, and that sometimes means putting someone else’s needs and, especially limits, before your own.

I can’t force him to miss me or want me. Nor would I want to. I can’t ask him for more than he’s willing and able to give, and for now sexy anything seems to be on that list. It hurts, I’m not going to lie. It hurts like a motherfucker when it seems like my metas are getting their slices of pie and I get half of mine. But. That’s not my call to make. I will cry. I will process. I will let myself be sad when I’m alone and try to be in the moment and enjoy what Ryan can give me when I’m not. I will not think about my metas, or what new pretties are joining the roster, or my place. I will drive him to his meditation course. I will go on more dates and try to social more. I will let myself feel the feels but not be swallowed by them. I will hope that eventually Daddy will have time and space for me, but not put an expectation on when that time and space will be. I will give what I am allowed to give and not ask him for more than he is willing to give me. I enjoy being the one that has keys to his apartment, and the one he calls on for rides or to watch his cat. I enjoy being the partner that does the most of the day to day with him, even silly things like laundry or grocery shopping. Hell, I enjoy doing his dishes. I will do my very best to focus on what I do have, and what is fulfilling me in the relationship between Ryan and I rather than miss what is lacking at the moment.

There are going to be a hell of a lot of growing pains. I predict that multiple crying spells will happen. But I have headache meds for that shit. I will do my very best. Ryan is a good human. I am lucky to have him in my world, and even the best relationships sometimes have bumps.

Sometimes the bumps knock you off the road for a little bit. Eventually, you get back on.

I am not okay, but I am confident that I will be in time.

Yours, as always

-Rene

The Auction Machine

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Lately, my world has been very small.

Words have been difficult. I ran head-first into some undealt with trauma going through December and rather than burying it to face it again come next year I’ve been trying my best to actually FEEL everything. It’s much easier to just bury it for later. Burying it has always let me function. But I’m a wee bit passed functioning, and since the start of 2018 I have done my best to try to live. Improve my life. I’ve started a new job, been trying to eat better, sleep more, meditate.. All things that feed my soul.

The con of all of this is that my social anxiety has been wreaking havoc on my life. It’s flaired to a terrifying extent, severly impacting how I talk to people and maintain relationships. I’ve bungled communicating with Ryan more than once because of it. I’m blessed with people in my life like my roommate, Ace, and James that get it.. Ace to an unfortunately intimate degree. But. Writing messages makes my mind feel like it’s stuck in mud. Like each sentence is pulled bit by bit out of quicksand. There’s a weight on my chest as I talk to people that was never there before, and even small amounts of unfamiliar interraction is EXHAUSTING. It’s lessening, bit by bit, as time goes on, and it’s oddly comforting to finally have words and understanding of what is going on, but this whole thing has cost me friendships and romantic interractions. Which, as expected, blows.

It’s different with the public stuff. BaGG, Sanctum, the Citadel; these are all places that are part performance. I put on a show. I keep the show running and make sure things are taken care of. Because of that, for the most part interractions at BaGG and the Citadel are much easier for me lately than messages and texts, but even then unless I’m in scene my energy has been lower, and my ability to social less.

Typially at least one of my weekend days is taken up with a date with Ryan. We usually see each other about twice a week and that’s about all the romantic exposure I get for the week (my vibrator has become my best friend -__- ), but one of my metas through him was coming in from out of town. I’ve been missing Ace with an intensity that I don’t have words for lately… and the reality of our situation is that I don’t know the next time I’ll see him. Hold him. Kiss him. Knowing that ache, I kept my distance from Ryan this weekend when normally we talk fairly consistently throughout the day. Let him have his fill of my amazing meta and be able to fully focus on her while he can. I had a challenge that I had placed in front of myself for the weekend.

It was Master’s Den yet again, and I had not gone solo in a very long time. For about a year I had been going with Ryan, which was lovely and always resulted in amazing scenes, but my social circle had dwindled, and I was aching for some impact play. With Ryan occupied and Chris busy for the weekend I decided to get myself a new outfit, do my hair and makeup proper, and put myself out there for something that has never been my forte. Pickup play.

When I say I got a new outfity I mean I peacocked with the best of them. It was a lace one piece that unbuttoned at the crotch. The cups did runneth over in the best way possible, and I paired both with black lace heels and black tights. After changing from my mundane clothes I got James to do a damn double take at me. I felt good. Really good. I have the ability to come off as cute with quite a bit of ease. It’s sexy that I have to work for. I wanted to be wanted and desired, not just patted on the head, and as I walked through the Citadel to the orientation I felt eyes on me and beamed.

Typically, Master’s Den is made up of three different parties that rotate; Casino, Revelry, and Auction. That night was the introduction of a fourth component; Auction Machine. We submissives learned at orientation that like at auction, we would be put up for scenes with the winner, but unlike auction there wasn’t going to be any bidding. It was all random. We would fill out auction cards that would be slipped into the auction machine. The Dominants would then step up with a token that they won playing the casino games, slip it in the machine, and be given a card at random.

Gulp.

Whelp. I had wanted to push myself and I had wanted to attempt pick up play.

I grabbed a card for the 10pm auction, knowing that my play safety nets weren’t available. James had been pushing himself way too damn hard trying to work on a shoot for an upcoming show and his body was in no shape to play. He spent the night playing blackjack, building up his Den dollars with me periodically doing food and water runs for him so that he didn’t pass out. Ryan and Chris weren’t there. I was fully solo.

I filled out the card. Open to play and service. Interested in flogging, canes, whips, rope bondage/suspension, bondage, oral giving (marked to be negotiated), receiving sexual stimuation, paddles, hands.

The last part of the card is writing out two possible scene ideas. I grinned.

1: So far as I know, there is only one person in the Citadel right now that can still bruise my ass. Challenge accepted?
2: I love my tights. They’re quite pretty. But. They have a hole in them. So, they are pretty tights that need to die a glorious death.

And. I waited.

The first auction happened. I watched, and watched James watch. I perched by James for a bit and watched him play blackjack (submissives aren’t allowed to play). I nommed on the yummy sushi made by the caterer for the event (a Citadel regular that I clashed with, but that I have to give props to when it comes to cooking), and let myself get teased by a Dominant that has wanted in my pants for a good few months. He pulled my hair, nipped at my neck, and growled in my ear that I was a good girl, getting me ramped up just enough for whoever won me out of the machine.

10 pm. Auction time.

I stood, and watched, and waited as card by card was handed out. We were given numbers with our cards, and one by one they were called. I was, quite literally, the very last card to be chosen.

I am a picky bitch when it comes to play. It’s one of the reasons I suck at pick-up play. As the Dominants chose their scenes I judged each one that stepped up. There were one or two in the bunch that I was attracted to, but not many. And then I saw one, one that I had a thing for for over a year.

He was clad all in leather with a proper harnness, and internally I purred. Just enough scruff, a muscular build, and the ‘I can rip a submissive apart and put them back together’ look perfected. I had watched him play in the past and wanted to crawl into his toy bag and live there. Leather, wood, floggers, whips, a bunny pelt for senation play, and leather gloves.

Leather. Fucking. Gloves. An impact slut has not lived until they’ve gotten their ass tanned by a top sporting properly fitting leather gloves.

By the luck of the gods, Leatherman chose my card. He had his submissive, an adorable Bunny, with him that would be assisting with the scene, keeping sweat out of his eyes and helping hand him toys and the like. The Bunny was sweet and shy with a British accent. I was immediately comfortable.

He tied me to the cross, something that Ryan often does. I let myself relax as he pulled out huge wooden paddles and leather floggers. He slipped the one piece I was wearing over my head, leaving me bare outside of my stockings, and began flogging my back.

It had been far too long since I felt steady leather. I purred under the blows, and mewed, and yipped as they got harder. Leatherman keeps a good rhythm. He knew how to break up the thumps by switching up sensations, thumping on my back with his leather-clad hands, touching me softly, tickling me ever so slightly and pulling my hair. It was a style that James often used, and had me flying high in moments.

Feeling honest play chemistry from a long-running crush was a wonderful surprise. I moaned, and cursed, and came, and had the sadist smiling from ear to ear by the end of the scene and his submissive giggling at my comments and very at ease. Leatherman even managed to flip me over and pound on my tits, something that I usually cannot take. It was.. something I honestly really enjoyed. He held each breast in one hand while pounding it with the other, giving me the catharsis I was craving without overstimulating my way too sensative nipples. He found the tattoos under my breasts with my slave number and ‘As You Wish’ and understood exactly what it was without me saying anything. I watched him get hard at the connection and internally screamed ‘YESSSSSSSS’. My submissive side, my slave side, was still sexy. Not just cute. I wasn’t just an adorable little that was tolerated, or something people were used to. I. Was. Sexy. Dammit. And it felt so, SO good.

And yes, by the end of the scene I was butt-ass naked, and smiling. A need I didn’t know was there had been filled. Leather; gods how I had missed the feel of leather against my skin. The scene lasted a good hour, and while it didn’t end in bruises it did end in an established connection. Leatherman and I agreed to play together at the next party we were both at, and I made the choice to aftercare on my own and let him have some time with his submissive before the end of the party. I could see the lovely Bunny antsy to play, and didn’t want to take up any more of his time.

I spent the rest of the party purring, curled up next to James as he played his cards. I had done all the hard things, and it had gone well. I even made a friend out of it in Bunny, who I got to talk to again at the end of the party. I truly enjoyed their company, and felt very at ease with both Leatherman and Bunny both.

Sometimes, risks pay off. I’m slowly becoming myself again… or rather, a more whole version of myself. I look forward to more nights like I had the other night, more opportunities to be bold, and more chances the strut like the peacock I can be.

Yours, regrouping.

-Rene

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mistakes

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It started Saturday.

I was exhusted. I had started my new job on Wednesday, and they had asked me to work Saturday instead of Thursday just as I got the confirmation for a cleanup shift on Friday at the Citadel.. I had managed both. Work at 9 on Saturday after getting back to my apartment at 3 a.m.

I caved. And I drank a Red Bull to get through the day.

I’m not supposed to have Red Bull. It’s a rule from Ryan. For the most part I’ve managed to swear off of them relatively well…but every now and again I cave.

I made another mistake. After drinking the energy drink to power up the fumes I had left, I caved and told my Daddy. What’s the point of rules and rituals if you don’t follow them? I broke the rules. I new I would be punished for it. I expected it.

Daddy took my orgasms away for a week. By the time he gave me my punishment it was late afternoon. I was exhausted, the drink having worn off, and cranky. Daddy had a date later in the evening that would be a sleepover. I was..fuming, and a little hurt. Ryan had promised me that he would let me cum at least once when we played together in person.. I cum incredibly easily, and almost always will go over that lovely edge when he growls at me to ‘cum with Daddy’. I had asked for a comprimise, reminded him of his promise… and didn’t hear back until Ryan was heading off to bed for the evening. I tried not to stew, to shake off the hurt I felt, and go with the flow of the day. He ended the day by saying he was sure that a compromise could be reached and we would talk about it tomorrow. I went to bed smiling and feeling better, looking forward to a date the next day.

I got to Ryan’s long after his date from the night before had left. She’s a sweet girl, and has always been kind to me…but she triggers so many insecurities in me. She’s gorgeous, and the amount that Ryan WANTS her is palpable… and at times, has made me feel invisible. I don’t think I’m ugly. I know I’m pretty…cute, even. But I know my brand of sexy isn’t exactly Jessica Rabbit. She… well… she gets the man that won’t touch my leather vest to wear those natural sheep condoms so they can fuck because she’s allergic to latex. The longer Ryan and this lovely creature have played, the more I’ve noticed Ryan going soft mid fuck, Ryan not initiating play, Ryan not kissing me hello…and I’ve wanted to hide. To cry. To kick myself and tell myself I’m seeing things. That comparason isn’t good and that there were reasons for all the things that had nothing to do with the pretty. Fatigue, a packed schedule, the wear and tear of helping me through the holidays.

We went grocery shopping, and he wasn’t himself. Ryan often mentiones how my emotions are visible on my face, even when I tell him nothing’s wrong. He’s very similar. For a lazy afternoon leading to a meditation in the evening, Ryan seemed incredibly tightly wound. I was cooking him dinner in an effert to save him money and do something special for him, and was grabbing food for the meal while he did his normal grocery shopping.

We got back to his apartment and I jumped into prep, beginning to pull out mixing bowls and pots. Halfway through reaching through a baby pot Ryan comes over to me and touhes my shoulder. “Before dinner I have to tell you something kind of heavy.” I had a bowl in my hand, was cornered in his kitchen between him and a wall, and literally had nowhere to run.

He ‘accidentally’ had unprotected anal sex with his play partner. It wasn’t talked about. It’s not something they plan on happening again. He felt horrible for fucking up and he understood if this changed how I looked at him. He was so sorry.

What…

WHAT?

Just. Out of the blue. I didn’t know how to respond. I asked if I could start cooking. Cooking helps. Creating helps. It lets me process and think.

He had me hug him first and went out for a smoke. I cut up mushrooms and cried in the sink, then did my best to pretend I was okay when he walked back in. Ryan felt like crap already, I could see that. I didn’t want to make it worse.

Over and over, as the evening went on I chewed on the thought in my mind. How does one ACCIDENTALLY have unprotected anal sex? It’s not like it’s an easy slip of ‘oh you’re grinding, ooops it slipped in once’ like with vaginal. That.. requires prep. And lube. And toying. And plenty of time to stop and put on a damn fucking condom.

I didn’t have much of an appetite for dinner. I tried to joke and goof around and be normal. I accepted Ryan’s appologies and extra attention as he pet me, taught me simple rope tricks, gifted me with rope he wasn’t using… tried his best to make what he could up to me and show I mattered. All the while my brain kept fucking with me. ‘He could have stopped. He didn’t. He should have stopped. He didn’t. He just. Did it. He wants her so badly that he didn’t give a fuck and just…did it.’

By the time Ryan left for his meditation I was an even split of angry and wounded. There have been several times that I’ve tried dressing up and doing something special for a date with Ryan and… he just didn’t have the energy for play. And the more that happens the more the sexy times part of me hides, thinking it has to be me. I don’t have enough za za zoo to peaque his interest when he’s tired. With her, the za za zoo is so damn strong, the desire so damn strong, he threw logic out the window completely. He stopped giving a fuck and just wanted to fuck her. Insult was added to injury when I saw that there were her special condoms left in his apartment.. It’s not like it was bareback or nothing. It was a conscious choice.

I don’t have any say in who Ryan sees, nor would I really want to control my partner in that way. But I am allowed to feel what I feel. I actually trust her for the most part. She is sweet and has always been open and kind with me.

I don’t trust Ryan with her. I no longer trust him to think with more than his dick around her. There’s always been a chase element with her. When they started seeing one another she was owned and collared by someone else. The more Ryan got told ‘no’ the more he pushed back, the more he wanted. The idea of them having another overnight anytime soon makes me really, really uncomfortable. And I hate that.

I hate that, right now, I don’t fully trust him not to do it again.

I stewed. I cried. Ryan’s cat came up and snuggled me as I debated the idea of just leaving for the evening to lick my wounds in peace.

This wasn’t a situation that I was going to be able to fix overnight. I knew that. There was.. a lot of hurt, and quite a bit of betrayal the more I thought about it. I hurt, a dull ache in my chest I attempted to ignore, and I continued to mull over everything.

I wanted to feel wanted by Ryan… that would definitely ease some of the hurt. I wanted his hands on me. I wanted him biting me, and pulling my hair, and fucking me and filling me with cum and re-establising that link between he and I. I wanted him… As corny as it sounds, that desire became a bit of a balm on a lot of the hurt. Just show me that you still want me. That this slip didn’t happen because you want her so much more and I’m just the thing that’s… there, doing the dishes, cooking dinner, running errands and following rules..

When Ryan got home I let myself appreciate how handsome my partner is. I kissed him, and nuzzled, and bit, and crawled into his lap and turned my best sexy on.. and honestly it felt fantastic. Ryan hasn’t kissed me like he did tonight in.. a long time. It was an epic makeout session. I LOVE making out, and it’s something we almost never do anymore. He had my panties wet and my toes curling, and I tried to be as forward as I could manage.

“I want my Daddy. ”
“Please do bad things to me, Daddy.”

He tickled, touched, and kissed me. I slipped from his lap to the floor and he carved up my back and front with knives I had given him eons before. He called me a beautiful canvas, showed me the gorgeous marks now on my back, and I melted.

I tried to be forward again and pawed playfully at his pants, wanting to play with my lollipop.

“I don’t think I’m up for that type of play tonight, sweetie.”

Ow.

Immediate shrinking, recoiling, a fresh wave of pain and rejection. So you’ll fuck the pretty thing senseless without restrain but there’s no energy for me?

“May I explain why? Guilt. Shame.”

It didn’t make the hurt stop.. but I understood more. I said I wanted to do the things for the reconnection. I didn’t share how badly I wanted to feel wanted. That I wanted him face fucking me, and pulling my hair, leaving bite marks all over me and fucking me senseless before filling me with his cum. I had reached my limit on vulnerability. I couldn’t take another blow to the ego.

At the request for reconnection he smiled and grabbed me by the hair to lead me into the bedroom. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding as he pushed me onto the bed and wrapped his hand around my throat.

For a little while it was glorious. Rough grabs, pressure on my chest, pain and power and tickling and laughing. I waited for him to pull off his shirt, to crawl on top of me; for that pleasant, safe feeling of him surrounding me.

He tried to be very sweet. The touch changed to gentle, tantric tracing of my face and body. I wanted to scream. Any other day it wouldn’t have been beautiful.. but I NEEDED MY DADDY. I needed my Daddy to take what was his and make me feel wanted. He was trying to make me feel beautiful and spoiled…and sweet and gentle just started feeling like pity and guilt.. which then turned to shame on my end. My body language changed. I felt myself curling into a ball as Ryan continued to touch me. I knew he was trying to help, didn’t want him to feel bad. Knew that any other day his tender touches and attention would have me feeling like a goddess. That him saying he wanted it to be all about me would make me feel like his spoiled princess. But I could feel myself crashing horribly.

I ran out of the bedroom when given the chance to and grabbed the one thing that I thoght would keep me from crashing. Ryan’s kindle. He had read to me on a previous date, a fantasy novel that we are both reading, and I felt soothed and protected; like the best place in the world was in Daddy’s arms listening to his voice. It relaxed me almost instantly before, and I hoped it would at least calm me down for a little bit.

I curled up into his side with my favorite stuffie and slowly settled, lulled by the cadence of his voice. The sad was there, the rejection was still there, but the tears stopped. My breathing returned to normal, and for a couple chapters I relaxed in his arms.

We made a date for Tuesday and I left later than planned. He sent me a text on the way home thanking me for not running away. The only way out of pain is through it. To run away from pain is to run directly into it.

This. Hurts like a mother fucker. But Ryan is one of the sweetest, most loving souls that I’ve ever had in my life. He’s normally attentive, fiercely protective of me, and constantly sharing knowledge when he has it. I’m not going to bolt for something he admits to being a major fuckup. He knows it was wrong. He is remorseful.

But..it was a fuck up. And right now, everything hurts.

It will settle. We will talk more and it will get better. It was a mistake. and I know that.

I just wish I could stop crying.

yours, still alive

-Rene

 

Taking it, Blindfolded

8FEFBF46-7578-4997-891F-E2B3F3E09BB4Last Saturday was one of my favorite parties, Master’s Den. I was going with Ryan, and more than a little excited to get some serious 1 on 1 play time in before the holidays hit. He hasn’t been able to come to BaGG and I’ve been in serious need of owies… though I’ve needed more than that as well.

The night before, I decided to go check out Taboo. It’s a party at the Citadel known for edgier play; sacrilegious scenes, dark age play in public, blood and cutting play… It was one of my favorite parties when I first entered the scene but I had mostly stopped going because it’s not a party James has shot. But, I knew he was going to be there. A dear friend of ours had said they were coming and he was going to give them a massage, and honestly I wanted to watch.
Fast-forward through the evening and the friend ended up bailing. I poked James about playing, but he wasn’t exactly in an impact mood, and he and I both need to be in good headspaces to play in a healthy way together. Right now…impact is somewhat safe, but sensual play, intimate touching, things like that.. not good for either one of us. We are starting from the ground up kink wise and trying to do it right. I got into trouble elsewhere, a light impact scene that was essentially a warm up for the night to follow. A friend used my ass as a punching bag (quite literally.They practiced different style punches on me xD) giving me just enough thuddy impact to silence the worst of my brain squirrels. Brain squirrels silenced, I went to investigate and see what trouble James had gotten into.
He had his big knife out and was trailing it down a friend’s thigh, the one I’ve continued on a three year long love affair with. The knife, not the friend. The friend is a very safe human that I know well, and so watching the scene of the two of them didn’t bring up any negative emotions. They’ve played before, and I love to watch. I sat, eyes fixated on the blade as he trailed it up and down, forcing squeaks from the bottom as he guided them with eyes and hands, not saying a word.
I am a sensation slut. I’ve said this many times. I’ve also said that the cruelest thing someone I care about can do is withhold touch from me. I sat, mesmerized by the scene as James pulled out various blades, his punch dagger, his claws… all things that my body remembers so well. I shivered with each touch as if it were on my own skin. I wanted the cold steel on me. I LOVE sharps. And then James did a thing.
He flipped our friend over and grabbed them by the hair, slowly raising their head before slipping the blade underneath their chin and touching into to the soft flesh. I let out a sigh and noticed an ache in me that hasn’t been present for a while. My brain went back to a long time ago, when a rough voice used to growl in my ear, ‘you are MINE.” There was no hesitation in leaving marks or bruising me; in using me to pull others into the back room by slamming down onto me and making me scream, moan, and cry. There was and is a primal edge to the play with James. The way he pulls hair. The way he claws into skin. The pain of rough hands slamming into an ass. And I found myself not necessarily missing him, but missing THAT. That primal claiming and marking and wanting and… rawr. To the point where I had to step away from the scene and breathe for a few moments, the longing for that kind of primal possession was so strong.
It was a bitter sweet feeling, walking out of the citadel that night knowing that I may never get that feeling again. But at least I had once known it.
The next evening I was there with my Daddy. We got there late, which had me stressed, and so my need for a good beating was amped up even higher. I changed into an outfit made to die a glorious death; a beautiful piece of lingerie that Chris had gotten me during my birthday in Santa Cruz the year before. It had seen many parties, and sadly had many holes in it to prove it. I had asked Ryan ahead of time if it could die a glorious death and was thrilled by his enthusiastic yes.
When play time came he chose a spot all the way in the back. I would be facing the wall and therefore be less distracted than normal. Our scenes have become rather routine. I strip off all that isn’t going to die, he ties me to the cross, he beats the shit out of me and teases me. We go home. This scene..had mostly the same formula, but with some twists that I didn’t know I needed until I felt them.
I had expected to be pulled to the cross once I stripped. Daddy surprised me by grabbing me right away and beginning to tear apart my outfit several feet from the cross. After man handling me a little bit, forcing me to the floor with his boot on top of me. More please..yes… I like the idea of being conquered by Daddy. Putting up just enough of a fight that he uses force to pin me. And I love his boots. And I love that with the boots, and the man-handling, there were also giggles. There’s almost always laughter in our scenes, and I love that so much.
Once he got me upright again he sliced apart my pretty one piece and literally ripped apart my tights in a way that was so satisfying I wanted to purr. At one point as he shredded my clothes with both hands and pointy objects he stuck my own tights in my mouth as a gag; something that at one point would have been a hard limit for me. I was a brat and spit it out several times. But I did not red.
 He has new pretty knives for blade bondage…They are sharp, and shiny, and bite just enough when propped between my inner arms and ribs, blade pointed inward into my side. Ryan does this thing.. He will hit me hard, or do something particularly mean, and whisper in my ear right after. His voice sounds like its dripped in honey..it’s just a wee bit deeper and smoother, and it makes me squirmy as FUCK. As he secured the knives into my sides he did his honey whisper; “Don’t let them drop, kitten.” And the knives did not stop There.  No. That’s when it got interesting.
You can’t be afraid of what you can’t see. Daddy brought some very scary toys to use on me. And so he blindfolded me with my own outfit, using one of the bigger strips that remained as a blind fold to tie around my head. Suddenly I couldn’t see the toys, or the dungeon, or Daddy.. Everything was sensation.
When I say that I was chomping at the bit to play I mean I was squirming for so many sensations I couldn’t keep them all straight. What amazes me about Ryan and our play at times is that even before I vocalize a desire or a want it’s somehow happening. He’s picked up on it, or was following the same wave length.
Blindfolded, still not touching the cross, I felt blades against my skin, and a need was sated. I felt a hand in my hair, pulling, and another need was sated. And then I felt rope against my skin and I let out a breath I didn’t know I had been holding.
Ryan has tied me a handful of times, including our first date. He’s made rope feel safe for me when for a long time it felt claustrophobic. He’s even suspended me once and yes I would do it again.. I have begun to enjoy the feel of rope, especially when it’s tied around me but not restricting me, in a harnesses with these intricate knots. It makes me feel beautiful.
He didn’t tie me to the cross that night, as he has so many times before. He tied me and then wove the throwing knives through the knots, so that if I moved right the blades poked me. At least I think he did. At that point I couldn’t see a damn thing. I just felt. It was..perfect.
I am an exhibitionist little slut. I like to show off, and to be watched, but that is often a double-edged sword for me. I get easily distracted by what’s going on around me and who’s watching me, and if I’m making the right faces, the right sounds.. if I’m putting on the best show I can. The blindfold removed that distraction, and is honestly something I’d like to play with more. I was hyper focused on what I was feeling, where Ryan was, and not on the people and scenes around me. I felt everything MORE. On top of it I wasn’t able to watch which toys Ryan was picking up. It took away any fear aspect I have associated with some of them..and there are quite a few of his toys that I am actually, actively afraid of.
The evening before, before the play and before watching James, I had watched a brutal impact scene. The Dom went hard on their submissive, to the point of legs buckling and screams filling the dungeon. As the submissive became overwhelmed, the Dominant would grab their face and touch a point between their eyes and their eyes would close. A dreamy smile would replace the pained face. Erotic hypnotism is something that Ryan and I play with a lot, and something that I thoroughly enjoy, and I noticed the button easily. Every time the submissive became overwhelmed by sensation or wasn’t able to take anymore the Dominant would put her into trance again, calming them down.The Dom would also snap their fingers and their bottom would flinch, signaling another button.
We’ve woven my buttons into play before. I have..a lot.. The two easiest that are typically Ryan’s go-to’s are when he snaps his right hand I have an anal orgasm. When he snaps his left, I have a vaginal orgasm. So, he’ll be a big meanie and give me a huge amount of pain and then snap his fingers and make me cum apart at the seams (pun intended). We’ve also played with me entranced before which is.. an odd, heady feeling. I’m awake but I’m not. I know what’s going on but can’t quite stop anything. We’ve also put buttons in place right before scenes too, to up my pain tolerance or make my body more relaxed upon impact (I tend to go up on my toes if something REALLY hurts).
Ryan managed to take what I shared with him about the scene I had enjoyed so much and make it work for us. There are a few of his toys that are hard for me to take a lot of. After a few whacks, even if I can’t see it, I’m dancing, I’m on tip toe, I’m screaming. Each time the pain became too much I would feel arms around me, or feel his scruff near my face before the honey voice would whisper in my ear that I could take more for Daddy, couldn’t I? That this was nothing and I’ve taken much worse. That I could take all the pain for Daddy.. And I was lulled just enough to think that I could. To feel that I could.
I faced a metal cane (a thick rod that I DESPISE), a dragon tongue (soft limit), an evil asshole paddle made out of a beer mat by an evil asshole (that I adore), and a curry comb as a finale. The curry comb was the only part that I actually got to see. Daddy slipped my blindfold off after the dragon tongue left pretty welts on my ass.
I have a history with dragon tongues. I…despise them. A single tail one can gain my trust with in time. Canes are the same way. A dragon tongue cut me up so bad at one point I had to go the ER. I never wanted to face one of those things again. Ryan seems bound and determined to have me face and take every toy I’m scared of. He started slow with it, whacking me when I was partially clothed to lessen the sting. Blindfolded and bare, there was no way of knowing when the dragon tongue was going to hit and where. He could have ripped me up easily. He could have harmed me. He didn’t. And I stood there, clinging to the cross for dear life, because I knew he wouldn’t. I trust Ryan.
You would think the perfect ending to all of this would be me facing my big fear and then Daddy taking me home to cuddle..but I did say that I got beaten with a curry comb, didn’t I? Those round metal brushes used on horses, with the mean teeth? yeah. That thing. On my ass. Our play with it has changed the more times that we’ve used it. The first time was rather timid, with Daddy using a paddle to leave imprints of the teeth in my ass and barely cutting the skin. Tap, tap, tap. That tap, tap went away a long time ago. Now he used pure force, swinging the curry comb itself and slamming it into my ass, leaving dozens of bloody circles in his wake.
I could see the windups to each one, but there’s no hesitation with the curry comb like there is for the dragon tongue or the canes. I love marks. I love sharps. The curry comb is a way for me to get both without being overwhelmed but that one sensation point where the knife blade meets my skin. This is dozens of little knife blades taking delicious bites out of me and leaving marks in a way that is much easier for my body than a basic impact beating.
I felt liquid sliding down my ass and grinned, proud of myself. There’s an odd turn on for me when Daddy makes me bleed. I earned it. And I don’t yellow when I feel the blood trickling down my legs. I wait for Daddy to wear himself out. He’s good at letting me know when the end is close and I can finally fully relax. The warning is usually, “Alright princess, I’m going to give you two more hard ones, one on each side, and then we’ll be all done, okay?” And I take them knowing that I get to rest after.
There were blood spots on the floor of the cross by the time we were done, as well as blood still trickling down my legs. We were safe, of course, spraying everything down properly with cavicide and alcohol respectively (my poor ass…oww.) before flopping over together in an aftercare couch.
We played again when we got home, my ass still sore, my body tired, when I thought we were going to just curl up and sleep. I remember bits and pieces of the sexual play.. I remember lots of orgasms, the honey coated voice, and I remember Daddy putting me into trance, but while he normally helps me out of it at the end of the scene this time he didn’t.. Even clean up was done in trance as I crawled into bed with him and snuggled into the nook of his shoulder. I don’t remember falling asleep. I do remember getting an incredibly good nights sleep as a result..
It was.. a lot in one night, and the ‘a lot’ was exactly what I needed. I’m breathing for now. I don’t feel like I’m starving, even knowing I’ve got about a week until any sort of real play.  And I feel incredibly guilty for wanting more. More rope. More impact, more boots and body play, more hair pulling and more of that honey coated sadist asking me to take all the pain for him. Cause, gods, will I. Happily, and eagerly.
The catharsis of an impact scene is incredible. The za za zooo it can spark or re-spark between two partners is also fantastic as well. But..getting to please my Daddy in a way that only my body can, taking the pain he asks me to take, doing it to make both of us smile? Yeah…that’s the main pleasure button for me.
Please, more, Daddy..
yours, as always
-Rene

Presents for Daddy

Once again, the holiday season is upon us! As one that lives in an area of transplants, I watch throughout the holiday seasons as my dear ones make their pilgrimages home, returning a week or so later craving their own beds and the cultural bubble of the Bay Area. My Daddy Ryan and myself are two of those transplants and will basically be spending two weeks apart when we’re used to seeing each other a couple times a week. Rather than be down about this (and pout epically, and whine about not getting Daddy for so long) I let my mind wander to possibilities.. Having distance, rather than being a hindrance, can be an opportunity to try a whole new set of games…

I didn’t want Daddy to go away. It scared me, lots. While we ate dinner, it scared me. While he gave me owies and made my bottom red, red red and tried to make it purple, it scared me. Even as he hid his lolly in my princess parts and yanked my hair as he fucked me, growing in my ear, ‘cum for Daddy’ it scared me. 

Curled up in the nook after, Daddy traced his finger up and down my arm. I had my eyes closed, listening to the sound of his heartbeat and was trying not to think about him disappearing for a long long time. And not getting play. Or cummies. Or Daddy’s voice or hands or smell or..

“Kitten, tell me something you need me to know.” 

“MEWWW” I squirmed in his arms as his grip tightened. The phrase was a hypno button he had set up months ago. The he said it, I had to answer truthfully. It was a reflex, an instinct, and a pain in the ass to fight.

“I’m scared of you going away and not getting Daddy time and you not wanting kitten time and being all bored with me and and..and losing connecting.” I hugged him tight, his chest hair tickling my nose as I burrowed further into the nook.

He chuckled. “That’s what’s bothering you? Such a silly kitten. Do you really think we aren’t going to play for two whole weeks?” I nodded frantically and he laughed again. “Oh no, sweetie. Daddy has plans for his little princess. We’re going to play a fun game while we’re apart, one with fun rules and prizes.” He ran his nail down my arm, making me purr at the slight twinge of pain. “Good girls get lots of prizes… Are you ready to learn the rules?”

Days later, Daddy was away. I was taking care of home, cleaning and washing and sweeping and petting the kitty; all the important things, and I was following the first rule of our game. Have my phone on me when I could. When I can’t, tell Daddy I couldn’t talk. Let him know when I come back. 

Buzz Buzz. A message from Daddy. We had been talking all day, but this one was special.

Rule two of the new game was really simple. Look for the magic words.

Mmm.. Kitten? Daddy wants a present.

I squeed and squirmed, plopping down eagerly with the phone in my hands, waiting on further instruction. Rule three of the game was just that When Daddy says he wants a present, his little girl gets to do the best she can to give it to him. Whatever that present is.

How may I please you, Daddy?

Good Girl came the quick reply. I want you to go into the bedroom, strip down, and lay on the bed. Bring your phone and let me know when you’ve done as I asked.

I giggled as I ran to the bedroom, pulling off my clothing as I went. The moment my bare ass hit the bed I messaged Daddy.

Good job, kitten. Now, you see that lovely glass dildo on the floor of the bed? It was pretty, and BIG. Daddy had only used it on me once and it stretched my little cunny wide. I want you to be a good girl and fuck yourself with it. And I want to see. Send Daddy a video of you coming like a good little slut and you’ll get a reward.

I grabbed the dildo and had it angled at my entrance when my phone pinged again. Not so fast, princess. Show me that you properly prepped it.

I grinned, bringing the toy from the entrance of my cunny to my lips, slipping as much of it down my throat as I could and taking a selfie for Daddy.

Good girl. Now. Where’s my video?

The dildo, now slick with my saliva, slid in with little resistance. I propped my phone up against the pillows to get the best angle possible as I eagerly fucked myself, already squirmy from just a couple of days without sex. My moans turned into whimpers as I got close, eyes shut tight, imagining Daddy fucking me hard into the mattress, his hand wrapped around my throat and his cock buried balls-deep in me time, after time after time.

“Daddy!!! I’m cumming… cumming, cumming, cumming!!”

I slumped down onto the mattress, toy still inside me, and sent the video. A few minutes later I heard the ding of a message coming through.

Instead of words it was a sound bite, a short recording. I hit play and brought the phone to my ear in time to hear labored breathing on the other end. “Such a good girl” Daddy growled into the phone. Ready for your reward?” I closed my eyes and moaned as I heard him cumming on the other end of the phone, suddenly turned on all over again. You may cum again if you want, sweetie, but last time for tonight.” Out of habit I heard myself answer, “yes, Daddy” out loud, and then with gusto I began fucking myself all over again, listening to the recording for inspiration.. 

 

The next day I was at work, sitting at my desk trudging through paperwork. I had messages open, hiding behind tabs on my desktop, and saw the flash of a notification from Daddy. “I hope your having a good day, princess. Daddy wants a present.”

I was confused. Daddy knew I was at work. It’s not like I had naughty toys to fuck myself with at the office. “But Daddy.” 

No buts, princess. I know you’re at work. Now, what are the rules of our game?”

I sighed, even more confused. “How may I please you, Daddy?” 

By going into the bathroom right now and taking your panties off. Send me proof.” I stared at the message in shock. I had leggings and a dress on. A lack of panties wouldn’t kill me. But did he really expect me to sit around and squirm all day?

I slipped into the bathroom with my purse and wiggled out of my panties, sending Daddy a picture of them in my hand before throwing them into the bottom of my bag and pulling my leggings back up. My phone buzzed. “That’s not enough, princess. I asked you to show me proof that the panties were off.” My face turned bright red as I yanked my leggings down and raised my dress, sending Daddy a photo of my bare princess parts about to be covered in nothing but the thin leggings that he knew would be soaked by the end of the day. My phone buzzed again. 

That’s what I wanted. Good girl.” Another bing as a video came through. “You may watch this AFTER WORK. It’s your reward.” And a reward it was. I sat in my car after work staring at my phone as Daddy stroked himself hard, teasing me with a few for just a few moments before the camera turned off. 

 

Days later I had gone bareback multiple times, slipped him a tit shot while at work, came silently while sitting in our local coffee shop after rubbing one off for him, and managed to send Daddy a photo of me fucking myself with my favorite vibrator with a plug in my ass. Now I was packing for my own trip. Daddy had been back in town for just a few hours, and I was disappearing just as he came back. I thought the game was over. 

My phone buzzed. “Kitten, Daddy wants a present.” I wasn’t going to say no. I loved all the tasks he had given me. And in return, he had given me videos and sound bites to orgasm by. “I want you to bring your little black butt plug to the airport with you, in your carry on bag. Can you do that for Daddy?” I gulped before slipping it into my bag. Of course, Daddy. I like playing games. 

It’s normal for me to let Daddy know when I’ve gotten to the airport, and through security and safely to my gate. What isn’t normal is getting marching orders once I get there. “I want you to go into the bathroom and slip the plug into that tight little asshole of yours. Show me proof.” 

I ran to the restroom slipping into one of the stalls and hurriedly pulling my pants down. My flight would be boarding in moments, and I only had that little bit of time to wet the plug with my mouth and bit by bit toy my ass with it before slipping it in. It’s harder for me to keep silent during anal play. I had my eyes shut tight as I teased myself, trying my best not to pant or moan and alert the people in the stalls on either side that there was more than simple bathroom business going on. Once the plug was insert, I set a timer on my phone, turned, and spread my ass wide for Daddy to see the pretty little plug resting snuggly in my naughty back door. I sent the message and wanted to cry at the reply. 

Good girl. Now don’t you dare take that out until you’ve landed. Send me proof once you land that it’s still inside and you’ll get a very, very big reward sweetie.” 

For SIX HOURS I squirmed in my seat, desperate to find a position that wouldn’t have me horny, or whimpering, or dripping. I kept my legs clamped firmly together and tried my best to sleep. It didn’t hurt, but it did keep me near on edge to the point where I could barely see straight by the time my flight ended. 

I ran to the bathroom, flinging open the door of the first empty stall I could find and snapping my landing photo, ass spread wide again, cunny dripping between my legs. Immediately, Daddy responded. 

“Good girl. You get your reward tonight, when you’re home and able to talk to just Daddy. I want you to call Daddy for a night night phone call, okay?” 

I squealed out loud. I loved Daddy’s voice, and I missed it with him being gone. I suppose I’m a little bit of a sensory slut. “Yes, Daddy.” 

At home, in bed, I called Daddy. I was still squirmy from the flight and had sat through dinner with my bio family and hours of conversation with the thought of what my reward would be. Daddy picked up on the second ring. “Well hello sweetie! Are you happy we’re still playing our little game?”

I giggled. “Yes, Daddy.. I’m just surprised.. I thought it would stop after your trip.”

“OH no, sweetie. That would make your trip just much too boring, now wouldn’t it?”

Do you want more presents, Daddy?”

Oh yes, sweetie. Quite a few more. Daddy is going to keep you nice and busy while you’re away. And when you come home, you’ll be nice and ready for Daddy to hide his lolly. Should Daddy tell you a bedtime story about how he’s going to hide it when you come home?”

“Oh, yes, please, Daddy!”  

Daddy laughed. “That’s my good girl. Now touch yourself while I tell it and imagine all that Daddy is saying, okay? Once upon a time there was a squirmy little kitten that hadn’t gotten nearly enough lolly pop time..” 

And that’s all, folks 😉 I hope you liked my little tale. I wanted to write in a scene about a hypno-fuck over Skype and a couple of naughty phone calls, buuuuut those can be entires in and of themselves. I hope the idea came across with the length being bearable. And now I’m squirmy and want to play with Daddy…

Yours, horny as hell

-Rene

 

Three Necessary Pieces

I was having a rough time of it last Wednesday, so much so that I decided that going to BaGG that evening would be too much for my fatigued body.

I was hitting drop from all angles and just needed to go home. At that moment in time, however, I couldn’t. I didn’t have my wallet. Foolish me had forgotten it in a jacket pocket back at the apartment and I was waiting on my roommate to bring it when she came to BaGG. On top of that, I hadn’t gotten to duel with James yet.
He rolled in when I was lost in melancholy thoughts and pulled me out of them, slamming me with a new brutal deck that I both hated and loved at the same time. There was no way that he didn’t see how eager I was; that he missed my eagerness when I begged for a duel. It remains our play; as safe as it can be nowadays. We are incomplete, he and I. The story isn’t finished, and forcing chapters to completion hasn’t helped. Because of this, we’ve mostly just left it be. I push back when I need to. Like with Surrender; I begged for photos of my partners and I and pressed how important it was that they get captured (an entry for Surrender shall follow later). And he did as I asked, often taking shots when I was too far gone to notice where the camera flash was coming from; piqued in an intense orgasms or being shocked by a violet wand. He’s good like that; capturing those unfathomable moments, but I digress.
I’ve been through four Surrenders and seven cons total; con-drop is not new to me. I knew to pace myself, to give myself Monday off from work, to sleep in and self-care. What I hadn’t expected was the whole separate drop when Ace left.
At the very beginning of our dueling a dear friend, Sage, joined us in our little corner of Wicked Grounds. She passively worked while commenting on our game from time to time, chuckling when James made me curse or when I begged for mercy. When his alarm went off to go over to the club James pulled me into one of his REAL hugs and humored me; he let me bury my face in his hair, relax in his arms for the briefest of moments and let the tension leave my body. There is still something about James’s scent that drives me bat shit; I’ve never been able to figure it out and I’ve never been able to shake it, but in moments when I am at my limit I am grateful for that fact. I’m grateful for the knowledge that a hug and a moment of touch from James is usually enough to calm me down.
Sage remained behind after James rolled off to the club, worried eyes on me. She asked what was wrong and I explained that I was just feeling… off. That I was tired and feeling at my emotional limit and just wanted to go home. A call to my roommate had informed me that she was still 40 minutes out and I was done, so very done. And frustrated without enough gas to get me back.
“And it’s been..how long since Ace left? 24 hours?” They had met at the con when Ace was on security duty and I was curled up at his feet. She had seen him throughout Surrender and began singing his praises when I told her it was his first con, ever.
The truth is, Ace had blown me away that weekend. I hadn’t expected him to take to Surrender like a duck to water, and he had. He made new friends with ease and giggled each time he mentioned my name to find that these new friends knew me already. He excitedly gobbled up information from classes, learning for himself, for me, and for my dear meta (his nesting partner) back home. He even got in a little pick up play and was a good, brave boy and bottomed to me. He paced himself well, ate when he needed to, and blended into my crowd as if he had always been there. And it had felt like he had. My Ace, my constant anchor, navigated my world with shocking ease that there was so much reluctance to give him back. I knew I had to, and know that I always will, but it was not easy.
Ryan, on the other hand, struggled more. He attempted to make new connections but I saw him drifting back to knowns. He circled back to me whenever I was working and spent more time messaging me on shifts than socializing with new people. Another bottom he plays with was also at the event, but with restrictions that prevented him from playing. He kept me going and pleased me to the best of his ability, but having never been through a con didn’t know how to pace himself. He was burnt out by early Sunday evening, unable to do the final scene that he and I had talked about. And yet still, even while he was burning out completely, he took me to the hotel restaurant to make sure I was fed and not crashing with five more hours left that evening.
And then there’s James.. Balancing Ryan and Ace, while also remembering what Surrender was, what it meant to James and I, was hard. There was an ache there when it reached late into Saturday and I hadn’t quite connected with James yet… It’s hard, with Ryan around. The two butt heads at an almost toxic level at this point and don’t particularly social well with one another anymore. When Ryan left early on Sunday it was.. a slight relief. I drifted upstairs to a cigars and chocolates social and found James playing with the cigar cutters up there. We talked, joked, even flirted a little, and I made a point in saying that I would be there till the end and I wanted to say goodbye (the year before I hadn’t had the chance to because of my security shift and it..bothered me a great deal). We talked, shared stories, smiled…and I felt better.
I relayed all this to Sage when she asked about my Surrender, and she smiled as I voiced my frustrations over James and Ryan. “You know why they fight, don’t you?”
“Because they’re two Dominant assholes in a pissing contest?”

“Well, yes. But there’s more to it than that.” She paused. “Who has your collar?”
“But that doesn’t matter! The collar is null-en-void. It’s been discussed that if we restart we restart fresh and-”

“And you’re right. It doesn’t matter.. The restart, that is.” She smiled, sadly. “You love each other. It’s very apparent, even in small things. That love is very there, and very apparent to anyone with eyes. It’s only a little threatening to someone who wants to be important in your life, especially when you love the other person more.”
I sat, gobsmacked for a moment. I had been wrestling in my own head for months with my feelings for Ryan and James, trying to tell myself that those with Ryan were growing while those with James were fading.
“You two aren’t done, you and James. You aren’t in your final form yet. Right now, what you two are in is limbo, and it’s driving Ryan crazy. You two are either going to grow closer together or further apart, but until then the two are going to fight over you like open game because they both see you as their’s. Whether or not a certain red head admits it.” She smirked. “You are still his, Rene, and that’s okay. You’ve learned to live with that in a way that is much more healthy for both of you, but it’s a different type of love than what you have for Ryan.”
“And I do love both of them! I love Ryan very much!” And it’s true, I do, with a depth of feeling I didn’t think myself capable of.
“Oh, sweetie, I know you do. It’s just different.” And then my wise friend told me about three crucial love figures in ones life, and about how I was blessed to have all of them, whether or not they worked out.
There’s the one you learn from, the one love stories come from, and the one that stays.
Ryan is the one I learn from. Since being with him I have truly learned what self-care is, and how to better take care of myself and set my own limits. I eat better, sleep better, and I honestly relish being Daddy’s little girl. I feel taken care of, loved, cherished…but not claimed. It’s a soft love, a nurturing love. I enjoy doing his dishes, helping to tidy around the house, and yes, I enjoy the fantastic sex.. but even our rough is not too rough. There is a softness and a sweetness to Ryan that I cherish; a rarity that  you don’t often find in tops. There is also sometimes a cockiness about him in that Father Knows Best sort of way that often rubs me the wrong way.
“I had a Ryan for YEARS”, Sage shared with me. “He taught me so much about myself; how to live, how to be, how to help me be more me. I’m incredibly grateful for the time we had together, but it’s not the kind of mind blowing, bone-deep soul connection love I had with my James.” She locked eyes with me. “And you know exactly what I mean by that.”
She’s right. I do. James is the one my love stories come from. It is a bone-deep love that I can’t shake, no matter how I try. It’s why his scent gets to me, why I’m hyper sensitive to him being in a room. Why my loyalty to him just..doesn’t sway, doesn’t go away. Because those moments of sweetness exceed any others even as the sour moments destroy unlike anything else. He has the power to rip me in two; he always has. He almost did once. There remains this pull between us; this interaction that goes passed friends but doesn’t know where to extend beyond that. I can see why that’s a threat to Ryan; because if that gets re-established, then he gets bumped from spot one, and he knows that. Then James gets all the power again, and Ryan doesn’t want that. Right now, I don’t want that, but I miss sweet kisses and brutal hands.
“And then there’s your sweet boy”, Sage said, smiling wistfully, “the rarity we all search for. A gods honest everlasting love.”  The one that stays.
My Ace, my beautiful rarity. Without him, loving the other two would be impossible. He has been my anchor, platonicly and otherwise, for a decade now. When my engagement ended he was a text away. When my first boyfriend broke my heart I could call him. We Skyped to make each other laugh through the tears when his wife and him had a fight or I broke up with yet another partner. He’s always been there, the carrot dangling in front of my face just out of reach. While I may not be able to share a bed with him every night, and while our lives are in many ways very separate..they have always included the other. Even when we weren’t actively engaging with the other. When we lost contact I thought about him, and he about me, and we both knew that eventually one would reach out to the other and all would be right with the world again.
And so it was. And so it always will be.
If I didn’t have my Ace, I would not survive Ryan and James; the ebb and flow, up and down intensities of love. My good, sweet, mellow boy that takes to my world like a duck to water… because he’s always been there, and was always supposed to be there.
“You have what so many of us search for, especially those of us that are poly. You have managed to find an actual love of your life, and hold on to one another for all of this time.” She got tears in her eyes as she said this, and I smiled. “Is it any wonder that you’re dropping, honey, with all these moving parts in your life?”
No, it was no wonder..and after the talk with Sage so much more made sense. There is a lingering of guilt there, for James being the one I write love stories about…but I can’t change my nature, and what I am instinctively drawn to is..him. The edge of him, the gruffness, the growl with a hint of sweetness… What I knowingly go to are soft, kind hands that hold and caress and teach. What I’ve always known, always wanted, and will always gravitate to is an open heart that constantly wishes to learn more, see more, do more, and sees all of it eagerly and wide-eyed with an innocence I don’t think I’ve ever possessed and a nature that is truly… good. No ego. Just good.
Willow gave me gas money to get home when I collapsed in the chair across from her, more emotionally exhausted than I was at the start of all of this. “Go home. Rest. And smile.” She grinned. “It could be worse. Your soul mates could be boring, complacent partners instead of the pains in the ass they are. Now where would the fun be in that?”
Where would the fun be, indeed?
Yours, piece by piece
-Rene

Smol Problems


I’ve been struggling with the concept of “just”, in regards to Ryan and the little aspect of myself.

Let me try to explain.
There are many bottom/little letter roles that I am well-versed in. The reality has slowly been sinking in over the last year that I would be considered a ‘seasoned’ s-type (submissive type) in the local community. This..is somewhat of a rarity. Even in poly circles, s-types get claimed. They have a partner that takes the majority of their time, collars them, marks them, and pulls them back from the public scene.
When I wasn’t in service to anyone, when I was no-ones partner, I was in service to my community. I threw myself into parties and classes, conventions and events, and tried my best to be of help in the ways I knew. Eventually I was claimed by someone who was even more involved in the public community than I was and part of serving him was serving my community even MORE. More parties, more organizing, and in time more networking. When the collar came off I had a choice; I could either return from the shadows whence I came or figure out how to navigate the new dynamic between he and I and keep up the pace of parties that I was helping with.
It was likely not the healthiest of choices mentally, especially in the beginning, but I chose the latter. My submissive side is well honed. My slave exists, and can come out for the right partner. I excel in high protocol and can brat with the best of them if the mood is right. I have even discovered that I can switch.
But my little…my little girl side is relatively new, and in many ways still not fully accepted.
I fought being a little for the longest time because of how I look. Cherub face. Short stature. Squishy, and usually with something chibi or stuffie on hand.. It’s how I’ve always been. I didn’t know it was a fetish. It was Smith who flushed it out first, so long ago now, and then Ryan that allowed the little in me to truly flourish and explore in a safe, loving environment.
I have no qualms littling in Ryan’s apartment, or when I am with him at the Citadel or sometimes BaGG. It’s lower-key in the public settings typically, but it’s there, and it’s a HUGE part of our dynamic. But there is a stigma to littling that isn’t often associated to other s-types. Because of the age regression it’s harder to keep the play between just you and your partner in a public setting. Others will notice, and then it can become a consent issue.
‘Daddy’ can be a triggering term to some. I’ve talked about that before. It can be triggering for some to see a DDlg dynamic, even if it’s a healthy one, because of past traumas. It can make others uncomfortable to see age regression, especially in a kink that stresses adult 18+ or 21+ only.
This past weekend was the first time in a while that I have felt shame associated with my little side. I had brought on the camping trip two stuffies that Ryan had given me over the last couple months. They are my absolute favorites, and sleep in bed with me every night whether I’m feeling little or not. I hadn’t plan on littling or regressing at all over the course of the weekend; it was the first time I’ve spent extended periods of time around my meta, and we were not in a kink setting necessarily. Both factors made something vulnerable like age regression not safe… but I am who I am.
I had brought the stuffies for my own personal comfort. For me. For the person that’s loved stuffies for her entire life. And yet the moment my meta came into the tent I tucked them both back in my backpack where they stayed for the rest of the weekend. Even though I was just..me.. 26, full grown woman who had had a long work day the day before, was in an unfamilar place, and wanted something soft and squishy to cuddle with.
There were the brief moments of jealousy during the camping trip, as are bound to happen at times. I am poly, but I am also human. One of those moments happened after the ritual on Saturday evening. Ryan, my meta, and I were curled up outside by a bonfire.  For a while Ryan stood between us with an arm on each of us, and it was this lovely moment of poly bliss, and then he shifted away from me on to my meta’s other side, crouching by the fire to warm his hands.
She turned to him and cupped his face, looking into his eyes. It was…beautiful, intimate, touching, and there was a sea of love between the two of them. I felt so much compersion watching that moment for the beat or two I did (before looking away because..well, it was their moment!), but I also felt a pang of jealousy, because he and I haven’t really had a ‘grown up’ intimate moment like that.
Have there been intimate moments of love and squish and feels? ABSOLUTELY. FUCK YES. NOTE THE CAPS FOR EMPHASIS YES. But..they’ve all happened when I was Daddy’s little girl. When a part of me had regressed and I was smol and curled up in Daddy’s arms, or at his feet, or curled up in the nook. I had a moment at the campsite where I was at his feet and was able to nuzzle his leg while he pet and snuggled my meta…but it’s a very different type of connection. One that is harder to show in public.
There are two directions my brain goes in with something like this. The first is fear. Fear to want to deepen anything Ryan and I have and let him love the big me as much as the little, worried that he won’t like what he finds. He knows the big me, of course. I don’t little ALL the time.. but I’ve never tried anything overly intimate as my big self. I haven’t done any play with him as a big since our very first date. After that, little play started being discussed and we just..clicked there. I’ve kissed him as a big..but he always boops me or tickles me and I slip and then I’m little.. I don’t have a BIG term to call him. Sir is easier to slip out in public. Daddy.. well, I bit my tongue and talked quietly a lot last weekend, for fear of triggering anyone. I fear wanting big translations of these things and expanding into subby interactions, not just DDlg. I’m not unhappy with our dynamic.. at all. I LOVE our dynamic and that I’m his little girl. I just struggle with having to turn it off or tone it down so much and wish that switching gears in a less stifling way was possible instead. There is a fear of wanting those Big intimate moments..that Ryan will go, ‘but you’re my little girl. Aren’t you happy with that? I don’t think I can give you more.”
The other direction my brain goes in is shame. I am incredibly good at kicking myself, especially when I’m down. I used to be ashamed of the noises I make when I play; high squeaky noises that some people just can’t stand to hear. I’ve gotten sever “Can’t you please be quiet”‘s over the last few year..and to be honest I can’t. I wish I could. James started working on volume control with me before the collar came off..but it was always difficult. The shame is associated with the fact that for the first time I have a fetish that I feel like needs to be hidden more often than not.
I’m not bedroom only. I never have been. My dynamics with my partners are ongoing and I am very much a lifestyle person. I have never hidden my submissive side as far as things like tying shoes for partners, retrieving and disposing of dishes at cafes, fetching things when asked, even sitting at partner’s feet when the facilities permit. But I am also blessed with living in the bubble that I do. In the Bay Area, kink is fairly common. We might get a double take walking through downtown Oakland if someone here’s me call Ryan, ‘Daddy’, but it’s not a huge deal. Leave the bubble and.. it’s a different ball of wax.
Last week, I left the bubble, and ran face first into my dirty little secrets. And I didn’t like that I felt the need to clamp down on all these aspects of myself that I like. I didn’t like that I felt ashamed for wanting to curl up at Ryan’s feet and nuzzle his leg, or for wanting head scritches and pets. I didn’t like that the main way I knew to show someone that I loved and appreciated him was a way that I did not feel comfortable showing in that particular setting.. And if I wasn’t comfortable, then there must be something wrong with it…right?
No. Not true. But that’s where tweaking brain goes. Accepting a kink that can sometimes only be shown behind closed doors, and learning through time what being Daddy’s little girl actually means and encompasses.
There was a night a few months ago where Ryan and I were curled up in bed. It was after BaGG, I was spending the night, and it dawned on me that I could possibly be comfortable wearing a collar for him. It would have to come off and it could not lock..but the idea of him leading me around on a leash was INCREDIBLY appealing.I tried to communicate that and he reminded me that that wasn’t part of our dynamic and not necessarily something he was interested in with me. I got quiet and he nudged my chin and started listing all the things that go in to me being his little girl. I’m a submissive, and a masochist, and a pain slut, and an age player, and a cuddle bug.. I am more than just the ‘submissive’ title.
But where does that comfortably extend to, for both of us? And is there room and space in the dynamic for big me to have a real, intimate, connection with him as well. Would he still beat me as a big? Would he still want me if I called him Sir sometimes?
I suppose I will find out.
Yours, a lil little
-Rene