Tag Archives: dicipline

Day 23

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23) Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

I am a big fan of different strokes for different folks. However, there are limits to this. I believe in the safe, sane, consensual tenant of BDSM.. and while the sane part is up for debate, the safe and consensual are not.

The only time I have questioned another submissive is when they were going into truly unsafe situations… I had a friend at Bondage a Go Go when I started going early on who called herself a pain slut. In all reality she was a heavy bottom, but not a pain slut, and she pushed her body too hard to prove just how much she could take (because she wanted to be the best of all the subs… Subbies you know how this is…). To do this, she would eat AFTER bag and not have any food before, because she believed that it allowed her to take more pain. One night she did this and on top of this took several medications that left her not in her right mind, combined this with alcohol, and then went to go play… The partner she was playing with cut the scene short because they saw she wasn’t right, but it was one of the few times I have gone over and lectured another submissive, as well as her primary for letting her put herself in that situation.

I’ve also met many a young ‘sub’ that was “looking for her Christian Grey.” They are easy to spot in a dungeon setting. Usually younger, dressed to the nines in lingerie and brand new heels, walking around with a bit of a dear in the headlights look. These lost little ones me and a few other experienced submissives will sit down and talk to, and try to explain the difference between Christian Grey and real Doms. It’s why so many of us read the books, so we could know thy enemy and keep young, vulnerable subbies from getting hurt.

There is a difference between a submissive putting herself in danger because she is under some sort of influence (be it alcohol or some fictional character) and a submissive letting her Dominant push her. I have seen a couple scenes that have had me question whether or not an ambulance should be called. You sit, you watch, you wonder, but in those moments you know that an experienced submissive has not had alcohol or drugs before playing, because they want to be fully aware of their body and what is is going through. An experienced Dominant will be able to read their submissive’s body to pace the play out so that even if they’re pushing, it will be something they know that their submissive can take. And if something happens, if something gets pushed to far, everyone knows how to safeword, and will if they need to. You sometimes just have to trust that. And when you can’t, well, that’s what dungeon monitors are for.

You can’t always judge a book by its cover. James and I have made the dungeon monitors look up a few times, because he makes me howl. He will hit me hard enough that the sound of the crack will echo throughout the entire dungeon, and I in turn will scream like a banshee. He pushes me, and I let him push me. Everyone in that dungeon knows we’re experienced. The DMs have seen James for years in the scene, and while I haven’t been around for as long they know me as well. They trust that if I need to, I will red out. And I have in the past, with other partners.

As for my own submission… of course I’ve struggled with it. When my mother told me I could be anything I wanted to be I don’t think she pictured one of those things as someone who craved spankings, floggings and the phrase ‘good girl’. Strong, independent women are not supposed to want to kneel at their boyfriend’s feet.. I struggled most with something that has become one of my biggest kinks. The concept of being owned.

The collar. One of my biggest turn-ons is the thought that someone wants me enough, values me enough, that they want me to be one of their possessions. They want to own me. They will share, but I will be theirs to do with as they well. Coming to terms with wanting that, with craving that.. it took me some time. There is still a stigma to D/s, and to BDSM in general. It takes time to realize that the stigma is just something  you learn how to live with.. That it’s going to be part of your everyday life whether you want it to be or not.

It’s a matter of how you live with it that matters. I will never be ashamed of who and what I am. It has taken me a long time to get there, and I’ll be damned if I’m going back… But I’ve learned what to and not to share with people about who I am. Sometimes that makes me sad, that I can only be half of myself with people.

But then I rejoin my people… and I frolic in the dungeon. James makes me scream, and all is right with the world.

Yours, as always

-Rene

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Day 22

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Day 22

Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

My friend Cal is a Domly Dom. I’ve described him as being able to be spotted as Dominant from 100 feet away. This attribute may be heightened when his girl is kneeling at his feet or curled up in his lap, but standing on his own he reeds as Dominant. Those who aren’t in the scene may not know that he was a Dominant, but he would read as a domineering person in general, a take charge boss man that looks like he should be calling the shots.

The same can be said on the other end of the spectrum. My submissive tendencies don’t go away when I’m not with my Sir… and somethings this can be a really annoying thing…because I can’t control it.

When I am upset and around people I trust I become incredibly submissive. Most of my friends know that I like to sit on the floor when I cry, that I will apologize for every little thing (including apologizing so much) and that the easiest way to make my mood right is to order me to action. Tell me to do something so that I’m not focusing on my own melancholia.

My submissive side is strong enough and, ironically, dominant enough in me that it comes out, partner or not, and I am lucky enough to have people in my life that know how to handle me when this does happen. They are not necessarily Doms but toppy people that know what to do when I go subby.

I’m not necessarily one of those people that goes “Dom shopping” when I’m single, and I have been single in the scene before. I’ve mentioned before that I am a picky bitch when it comes to relationships. When I feel a need to formally submit but don’t have a Dominant in my life, I am lucky in that I have friends. Friendships in the scene…can be interesting. Some of my friends I go to dinner and drinks with… some of them beat my ass in a dungeon when I ask. It ends up not being in a sexual way, rather in a cathartic way. Their need to Dominate ends up as strong as my need to submit, and the play makes both of us feel better and more right in our own skin.

I’m one of those who is blessed and cursed with the fact that my submission never really goes away. I would like to think that has the ability to make me a damn good submissive to my Sir, and that he is proud to call me his, because it isn’t an act. It’s not a mask that I put on for an evening performance. It’s in me, same as my need to create. I love it, and sometimes I hate it.

Yours, subby as ever

-Rene

Day 4

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Day 4

Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?

Honestly? There isn’t a Dominant bone in my body.

There are sassy tendons, and maybe a couple bratty cells, but no Dominant bones.

There is a woman in my kink community that goes by the name of Miss Amy. I’ve only ever seen her in a Dominant roll. She is a curvy Asian woman with more sass than I have ever seen embodied in one woman, and has referenced herself as a “six year old sadist.” Watching her scenes is incredibly enjoyable… Honestly, she is probably my favorite sadist to watch work. She uses such humor and still causes so much damn havoc with her hand, or canes, or an electronic dog collar… (there’s a story behind that). If I could be a top at all, I would be like that.. Giggling with glee as I hit someone.

I’ve spanked someone before…but not just as me.. As part of light hearted play scene in the club with other tops taking control, or because someone playfully asked me to. Would I reach out and spank someone on my own? … No. I don’t think so.

The switchiest I tend to be is as an aid for tops and Doms. I will cuff someone in, give them a few extra smacks, help tie them down..but I will not take the lead. I’m not comfortable taking the lead when I crave being the one following so badly.

I top the way I’m involved in theatre. I have helped to build many, MANY sets. I enjoy being in the background, the support. I’ve been in plays in the past, but only when the part really suited me.. I’ve never actually gone out for a part. Any time I’ve been on stage and not behind a curtain it’s because someone else guided me there, saying that me standing there would help the other people on stage.

I am at my core a submissive. I serve my Sir, who I hope to one day call my Dominant. .. I really don’t enjoy someone serving me in any way. Yup, I’m a weird one…

As for what I remain in control of, I remain in control of my own body. Things like what I eat. Whether or not I dye my hair or pierce things. How much I exercise. I may ask for James’s input on these things, especially with things that impact my physical appearance, but in the end I get the final say and more often than not he will go, “Up to you.”. If I honestly beg for his input he may give it, may, it depends if he’s in the mood for it…

Sadists. Can’t live with them, can’t get bruises without them 😛

Four days down, twenty six to go

Yours, very happily a subby,

Rena

Self-Dicipline and Serving My Body

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Yesterday, I had that moment that every woman dreads.

It was warm out for San Francisco. It had been for the last few days. I decided that it was time to dig through my drawers and pull out one of my favorite pairs of shorts. They were longer, dress style, button and zip fly, and I had no worries of chubby chafe with them. I had worn them just fine a year ago when I had gone down to Disneyland with my family for Easter. I hadn’t really touched them since then.

I pulled them up, went to button the fly..and..

Fuck. Fucky fuck. Fucky fucky fuck fuck.

It buttoned. Barely. Uncomfortably. I immediately pulled them of and pulled on my “fat shorts” that always had room in them. They fit perfectly.

FUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK.

I have been on and off diets since I was 8 years old. I’ve always been curvy, and my mother, who was 4 ft 6 and 80 lbs soaking wet, never quite understood what to do with me. I was a double digit clothing size when she was a double zero. I’ve never NOT had to work to keep my body in some sort of shape other than round.. and it’s so easy to get lazy.

I had a very poor self-image for a very long time. I saw “FAT” whenever I looked in the mirror. Who on earth would ever want me? I was never going to be the average person’s version of beautiful. I was in my 20’s and I was supposed to be the skinniest I would be in my whole life… and I was pretty fucking heavy. I hated it.

..And then I found out what service was.

Cal, Kane, Smith, Graham.. Every single Dominant man I have known, for however long I’ve known them.. from one-night encounters in a dungeon, to actual romantic relationships that extended outside of the bedroom, made me feel like, in that moment, that I was the most incredible woman in the world. That I was a goddess, even as I was being used for their pleasure. I have never felt more beautiful then when Kane was taking me. Not asking. Not making love. Taking what was his, a hand wrapped around my neck, because he could. Because only I, in that moment, was capable of pleasing him. My body and what it could do pleased him. As is. Not 20lbs lighter. Not 60. As is.

Any time in the past where I have mentioned to Kane that I wanted to lose weight I have always been met with the same response: I think you are beautiful as is, but you need to be happy with you.

It’s amazing how long that message can take to sink in.

It kind of hit me while I was standing there, strained fly in hand, glaring down at my shorts.

I know I am desired by men. I know I am a DAMN good submissive when I am permitted to serve. I know that I am pleasing in both my deeds and actions and I know that I want to make myself better, for myself and as a reflection of who I serve. I want to be better, and that means taking care of my body.

Yes, I am beautiful. Yes, I want to lose weight and get in shape.

Submission has taught me many things and pushed my body to lengths I didn’t think it could go. I have taken lashes, smacks with a riding crop, spankings, and paddles when I thought I just couldn’t do it, but I did it because it was asked of me. Because I wanted to please someone. Because I knew that I could make it through, so long as I grit my teeth and focused.

If I can go through beatings for others, why can’t I go through exercise and diet for myself?

Why can’t I use the discipline and determination I’ve gained in serving others to serve myself for once? If I go into super subby mindset, getting myself in shape does serve others in the long run. I will be more confident in my appearance, and my body will more than likely be able to take more and be bendier (hopefully… Yoga is involved..and being Gumby should be part of a submissive’s job requirements…). I will be more pleasing to the eye, not because I am ugly or fat now, but because I will hold my chin higher, my chest further out. I will smile more and be more open, less likely to hide because of my chub.

So, this submissive is back on Weight Watchers by her own choosing. I like it because it makes me accountable for every single thing I put in my mouth. I have to track, have to write it down, and have to see the consequences when I eat crap. I’m back to using my Fitbit, to see every single step I take towards a little better physical me.

I am beautiful. I am desirable. And if I don’t believe that, no one else will. I could be more confident though, more sure of myself. And I will be.

It helps that I actually LIKE healthy food. The exercise…eh… but there’s always room for improvement.

Bring on the vegetables and yoga classes!!! RAWRR!!!!!

Yours continually trying to better herself,

-Rena

Flogging and Flying

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Once a week or so, I’ve discovered a need to fly.

With Kane, I soar. I reach new points of emotional security, of knowing myself and my place. At this point I wear a day collar proudly, showing that I am happily in service to such an incredible man. A man who pushes me emotionally, who wants me to work artistically as he works. With him is where my heart lies, safe and secure with a man who I know cherishes every ounce of submission I give him. I love him for loving and accepting everything about me.. even the stuffed animals.

Yes, he will spank me. He will tie me up and do wonderfully wicked things to me. He’s started taking a firmer hand to me the more we explore, and has begun to push me in ways I never expected, but as of now he has not used a flogger on me.

He knows that I’ve developed this.. need to play outside of his place or mine. That I thrive walking around the Citadel, all dolled up turning the heads of men as I walk by. I have a need to be strapped to a cross or ordered onto one of the tables and have floggers and paddles taken to my ass, my shoulders my back. I’ve taken to wearing outfits to the Citadel that allow for easy access to my bare ass, because I know that by the end of the evening I will crave seeing it black and blue.

My pain threshold has absolutely gone up since I started playing regularly. There are things that I like better than others, obviously.. I had a discussing with Cal the other day about single tales not exactly being my thing, and Cats pushing me… but a soft deer skin flogger? Mmm…. for the love of Godde please bend me over and turn my ass red.

It’s a cathartic weekly release, to fly. Fridays are my night to play. To go out and get what I need so I can come back, content and able to serve a man I very much love. Play for me very rarely means sex with others lately.. My partners have shifted. In the dungeon I would rather play with the older men in the scene that I”m not truly attracted to, but that know how to handle a flogger better than the attractive young ones who would love to have me over their knee. They push me into Subspace so easily it isn’t even funny. After a week of work, of service, of routine, going out and just being for those few hours… I love it.

I find it amusing how much I’ve enjoyed spanking and flogging, when I was almost never spanked as a child. My parents laid a hand on me..maybe twice in my entire life? And here I am craving what others fear. Jase actually mentioned that he was worried about how much pain I could take. “Just don’t break your ass” he said, before transitioning into a conversation about how he ordered his amazing girlfriend flowers and they’re having a Skype movie date…blah blah blah. I know my limits, and I’m selective about who I do a scene with.

I do have a new little play partner, Tom. He’s older than baby Chris, but not yet thirty, in the same career field as me, an east coaster..and really really good with his fingers. I don’t know where this will take me..but I enjoy his company, and I am exceedingly attracted to him. We’ve discussed going to the next Bent party together and playing.. I admit, I like this idea. I find him exceedingly attractive and would hardly mind being led around the dungeon by him.

I guess this is where I start truly balancing multiple partners, not just casual play partners? Oh, poly… how it makes my head hurt.

Yours discovering ways to fly
~Rena

P.S. There is a movie on Hulu, Inside the 50 Shades. I’m sure most of you know that the book is… well… If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all, but the movie goes into people actually in the scene. It’s worth watching, especially I think for Doms. There’s a man on it that talks in detail about learning from the bottom up, which is something Cal has expressed to me along with a few other Doms.. Worth watching.