Tag Archives: guidelines

Day 28

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28) Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that.

We are human, submissives and Dominants. Sometimes we wish we weren’t. I know that there is a part of myself that always wants to be the BEST submissive possible, to please him more than anyone else has.

I am going to start this question off by answering the last part of it. I have never thought my decision to submit was a mistake. Never. It is as natural to me as breathing. It is a part of myself I shoved away for a very long time. I may make mistakes in that submission from time to time, but do I regret deciding to be who and what I am at any point in time? No. I am what I am. And to be honest, I love what I am. I have doubts about myself constantly…but not about my ability to submit or my skills as a submissive. It is the one place where I am completely sure of myself.

I had parts of my submission criticized, very early on. Very, VERY early on, back when Cal was still mentoring me. His girlfriend at the time decided that I was a threat to her, and my poor friend was so enthralled by the woman that he didn’t see for a long time just how much he was being manipulated. Every time I saw him, it was with her as well, so that we could never talk privately. At the time I was a little bit of a mess.. I was growing up, feeling those aches and pains of the first time you stand on your own two feet away from any outside help. I was scared, and just needed someone to tell me that it was going to be okay so that I could keep going. When we were alone, or when we talked privately, he reassured me that this was a normal part of growing up, and that this too shall pass and I would be okay. He would then list fifty thousand logical next steps that would short-circuit my panic button and make everything better. When I saw him with her, however… She noticed when I was upset and jumped at the chance to make it worse, telling me I wasn’t prepared to be in a relationship with someone of his age and experience, and that I should just move on.. She was right about the relationship, but I didn’t WANT a relationship, I wanted a teacher… She spent a good couple of months telling me I was a horrible submissive and would never learn to be one properly. Eventually I stopped talking to her and my friend, because I couldn’t fucking take it.

As for my submission letting me down.. The end with Kane. It wasn’t his fault, it wasn’t mine.. It was both of us stretching something out that should have been left behind and miscommunication all the while. He kept trying to tell me that he could no longer be what I needed… but he couldn’t find the words. He would try it gingerly, not fully wanting to let me go just as much as I didn’t want him to let me go.. And I misheard him time and time again. Every time he said “You deserve so much better.” I would go no no no. I don’t want better I want you… Subby mind was just too devoted to here Dominant. I loved being his. I loved wearing his collar… He gave me Disney. He gave me my first taste of feeling cherished, being someone’s princess… and I loved it. Letting go of that, even knowing that it was the right thing to do, was a heartbreaking process. Even then, it took me months to take off the collar. I felt at war with myself, pulling apart my day collar. I had to take it off myself because he didn’t have time to see me..but it felt horrible. It felt disloyal. I now understand why being properly released is so important. Because otherwise a submissive will eat themselves alive for doing something that they know is right but feels so wrong.

Phew.. Okay. That was a loaded one that brought up much emotional baggage… I’m going to go and pick out my dungeon outfit for this evening… Nothing like corsets and stilettos to make the night better.

As always, yours

-Rene

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Day 24

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24) What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

You people do not ask easy questions, do you? Damn.. okay.

The emotions that let me most directly access my submission…

I need to feel safe. If I don’t feel safe I’m performing, I’m not submitting. I’ll moan. I’ll wiggle my ass to get it hit. I’ll go on with the show, like any good performer will. But I’m not submitting when I do that. I’m playing a roll. If I feel safe I’m not focused on the next step in the performance. I let myself go, let myself be, and live in that moment under my partner’s hand.

I need to trust you. Trust is HUGE for me.. If I feel any distrust with someone they’re not touching me, period. If I trust you… if I really trust you… I give myself fully and completely to you. I follow you without question, unless you order me to always question, always look.. And when you tell me that, I trust you even more because you are admitting that you are flawed and will make mistakes and that questioning your actions is okay as your submissive. It makes me want to serve you more.

To submit past a play scene I need to feel cherished.. Desired is fun. Sexy is fun. But I need to be something that you value. Something that you wish to keep safe. Something that you wish to protect.. If I can feel that I’m cherished it goes back to the safety thing.. I’ll let you push me more, take me higher, because I know you don’t want to break something that is precious to you. Only bruise it a little. Wear it in.

There are more nuances, I’m sure… Little things here and there that vary with each relationship I embark on… But those are my big three. If I don’t have that, I can’t play.

Wow… that was remarkably short.

Yours amused

-Rene

Day 23

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23) Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

I am a big fan of different strokes for different folks. However, there are limits to this. I believe in the safe, sane, consensual tenant of BDSM.. and while the sane part is up for debate, the safe and consensual are not.

The only time I have questioned another submissive is when they were going into truly unsafe situations… I had a friend at Bondage a Go Go when I started going early on who called herself a pain slut. In all reality she was a heavy bottom, but not a pain slut, and she pushed her body too hard to prove just how much she could take (because she wanted to be the best of all the subs… Subbies you know how this is…). To do this, she would eat AFTER bag and not have any food before, because she believed that it allowed her to take more pain. One night she did this and on top of this took several medications that left her not in her right mind, combined this with alcohol, and then went to go play… The partner she was playing with cut the scene short because they saw she wasn’t right, but it was one of the few times I have gone over and lectured another submissive, as well as her primary for letting her put herself in that situation.

I’ve also met many a young ‘sub’ that was “looking for her Christian Grey.” They are easy to spot in a dungeon setting. Usually younger, dressed to the nines in lingerie and brand new heels, walking around with a bit of a dear in the headlights look. These lost little ones me and a few other experienced submissives will sit down and talk to, and try to explain the difference between Christian Grey and real Doms. It’s why so many of us read the books, so we could know thy enemy and keep young, vulnerable subbies from getting hurt.

There is a difference between a submissive putting herself in danger because she is under some sort of influence (be it alcohol or some fictional character) and a submissive letting her Dominant push her. I have seen a couple scenes that have had me question whether or not an ambulance should be called. You sit, you watch, you wonder, but in those moments you know that an experienced submissive has not had alcohol or drugs before playing, because they want to be fully aware of their body and what is is going through. An experienced Dominant will be able to read their submissive’s body to pace the play out so that even if they’re pushing, it will be something they know that their submissive can take. And if something happens, if something gets pushed to far, everyone knows how to safeword, and will if they need to. You sometimes just have to trust that. And when you can’t, well, that’s what dungeon monitors are for.

You can’t always judge a book by its cover. James and I have made the dungeon monitors look up a few times, because he makes me howl. He will hit me hard enough that the sound of the crack will echo throughout the entire dungeon, and I in turn will scream like a banshee. He pushes me, and I let him push me. Everyone in that dungeon knows we’re experienced. The DMs have seen James for years in the scene, and while I haven’t been around for as long they know me as well. They trust that if I need to, I will red out. And I have in the past, with other partners.

As for my own submission… of course I’ve struggled with it. When my mother told me I could be anything I wanted to be I don’t think she pictured one of those things as someone who craved spankings, floggings and the phrase ‘good girl’. Strong, independent women are not supposed to want to kneel at their boyfriend’s feet.. I struggled most with something that has become one of my biggest kinks. The concept of being owned.

The collar. One of my biggest turn-ons is the thought that someone wants me enough, values me enough, that they want me to be one of their possessions. They want to own me. They will share, but I will be theirs to do with as they well. Coming to terms with wanting that, with craving that.. it took me some time. There is still a stigma to D/s, and to BDSM in general. It takes time to realize that the stigma is just something  you learn how to live with.. That it’s going to be part of your everyday life whether you want it to be or not.

It’s a matter of how you live with it that matters. I will never be ashamed of who and what I am. It has taken me a long time to get there, and I’ll be damned if I’m going back… But I’ve learned what to and not to share with people about who I am. Sometimes that makes me sad, that I can only be half of myself with people.

But then I rejoin my people… and I frolic in the dungeon. James makes me scream, and all is right with the world.

Yours, as always

-Rene

Day 20

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Day 20

Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

I wouldn’t say it has increased or decreased.. I would say it’s stabilized.

When Cal found me eons ago all he had to do was tell me that it was real for me to be all in. I had wanted it for ages… felt a need to submit that I couldn’t understand and couldn’t name at the time. I was one of those hopeless souls that clung to kinky novels and prayed that something, anything like that existed… And when it did I threw myself in full-tilt. So much so that I think even if Cal hadn’t had a significant other the mentor-ship would have ended. I wanted to swim in the deep end of the community when he was slowly dipping his toes back into the water.

I did… but perhaps not in the most healthy way. When Kane and I were together, we were basically 24/7. I would live at his house during the week while his wife was away and then go back to my place on the weekends. Certain things I loved.. I still love. I would have dinner waiting for him when he got home from work, along with me on my knees at the front door in lingerie. I would clean the house. He would leave me chores to do; exercise, do laundry, etc, and I admit weight wise that I was lighter then than I am now (and no I’m not happy about that dammit -_- But I’m a work in progress).

…I think we loved the fantasy of 24/7, but neither of us were ready to deal with the realities of it.. That eventually he would need to deal with the stress of a failing marriage, that I was too young realistically for him because he could never comfortably swallow that age gab… That I wanted children and he was past that age where that was going to be realistic.

It was a gradual shift. It started with me staying home two weeks and being with him for a week. Then five days. Then four.

Eventually the sleepovers stopped.. His life had become too hectic. There was too much stress at work to try to fit me in. And because he was my Dom, because I wore his collar, I trusted that it would all be okay. We talked about it all being okay. That I loved him and he loved me and that was all that mattered…

… This is surprisingly hard to write… It’s been about a year since things started falling apart. Since the downward spiral began.

I had to renegotiate the entire relationship in my head time and time again, not because I willingly wanted to and it was the healthy thing to do but because I had no choice… He was my Dom and my boyfriend. I had to trust that he was doing things for a reason at that it would all be alright. That eventually we would get back to Disney. In my head I explained away the way he treated me time and time again, something I’m incredibly conscious of now. Dominants are not gods, they are humans, and when they stop communicating they make very bad, very painful mistakes. Kane made a few. He is still my friend…but he very much shattered parts of me. That’s taken a while to heal.

The relationship with James is a different D/s dynamic than I’ve had before.. There is no label, bedroom only, 24/7, etc. I’m not in subby mode all the time. There are times when I am very much, and very happily, his girlfriend. And then he flips that subby switch. He can do it with a look, a tone, a glance, and I’m on my knees with my chest out and my back arched. It’s laced through everything for both of us..because kink is laced through our entire lives. What we do, how we both want to make our livelihoods, is saturated with the kink world, and rather than fight against it and try to create a separate persona we’ve both embraced it whole-heartedly.

Sometimes labels just don’t work.. When you remove some of them, you find the balance.

Yours playing catch up

-Rene

Day 17

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Day 17

What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?

There is nothing without trust.

A BDSM relationship is nonexistent without trust. Hell, a vanilla relationship should be nothing without trust…but some would argue in vanilla relationships there is less risk without the trust. You’re less likely to get physically harmed in a vanilla relationship without trust. You just risk being emotionally gutted…

In an M/s or D/s relationship you’re risking both emotional and physical harm if you don’t trust your partner. From a Dominant’s side of things, they are learning how to read you and your body. They’re learning what makes you up, and are trying to understand how best to take care of you, in various ways. They’re learning when tender touch is necessary, and when you need not so tender touches. They’re learning what sensations you enjoy, what sensations you tolerate, and what you physically find not enjoyable at all.

When you’re letting someone beat the living shit out of you, when you ask them to take you to places physically and emotionally that you’ve never gone before, they have to trust that you’re being honest with them. That you’ll call a safeword if they push you too hard. That, when they check in with you, you’re actually being honest with them when they ask how you’re doing. They need to be able to trust that their submissive/slave/bottom will communicate when something is wrong.. That they actually want and enjoy (in their own way) the activities going on. The Dominant needs to know that all that goes on is okay.. to trust that everything is done with full consent and that they are on the same page. That if you ever are not on the same page as your Dominant that you will communicate that.

On the submissive’s side of things, whether you are giving yourself into someone’s care for a scene, an evening, or for the length of the relationship you’re trusting them to listen. To know when ‘no’ means no and when it means ‘oww motherfucker…okay keep going.’ When ‘I hate you’ really means ‘I love you, you asshole.’ At minimum you’re trusting them with the care of your body for a few moments, to know when to bruise and not to bruise and how hard to hit to not break you in half and to listen when you’re being the tough subby gritting your teeth through a few very hard hits going ‘I can do it I can do it I can do it’… to know that those WERE hard hits for you and to not ramp it up fifty thousand times the next stroke.

James could break me in half, easily. The man’s upper body has so much strength that me wrapping myself around one of his arms and holding on for dear life does very little good. He can bruise with one bare-handed hit, easily.. But I know he won’t with me. He won’t hit me harder than I can take. He pushes me… There are times when he’s finished or he pauses after a few really hard hits that I’m shaking and exhausted, with part of me begging it is over and part of me begging him to continue before the endorphins wear off. But he trusts me to tell him when he pushes too far… And I trust him to take me where I need to be when I don’t have the words to express it.

Trust. Is. Everything. If you don’t have that in any relationship you don’t have a foundation. Nothing else can be built up.. It will crumble under the weight of doubt, suspicion, frustration, miscommunication, and anger. Trust comes first.. then honesty, then openness.. Have all three and you have a fabulous start to a relationship.

.. If you don’t have trust..then why the heck are you with that person?

Yours, as always.

-Rene

A Tidbit From Tumblr

I fully admit that I have become a bit of a Tumblr junky. I go on to look at all things BDSM and kinky, and from time to time a gem will appear on my feed.

Tonight was one of those nights. I was keeping myself occupied by cleaning, organizing, and all around being an internet junky while Sir is away..and I found this.

Note: I am not the author of this and claim no ownership of it. This came from Tumblr, and was shared by someone I follow called the-quiet-dominant. I thought it was worth sharing through something other than Tumblr, which is why I’m reposting it here. I will write a blog of my own in the next couple of days..which should be an adventure. Until then, enjoy.

Yours Enlightened,

Rena

Ways to Ruin Your Subs

Note …… yes the following uses He for Dom and she for sub …. but can we please pretend its gender fluid for arguments sake

A submissive does not come with an instruction manual and there is no such thing as a perfect Dominant.

You can read every lifestyle book you can get your hands on, talk to other experienced Dominants and subs, and attend lifestyle workshops; yet you can still be left with a nagging feeling that you don’t always get it exactly right.

Perhaps you know lots of the DO’s when it comes to the training and care of a submissive, but have you ever wished you had a list of the DON’Ts?

Even if you think you’re doing your best, sometimes it might not be enough, take a look at this list of six (6) sure-fire ways to spoil your submissive.

NOTE: This is my personal view.

Six (6) Dominant mistakes that will spoil your submissive and can ruin your relationship:

1. Surrender:

No matter what your submissive wants, she gets it. Whether it is that shiny new sex toy she found online, letting her off the hook for that chore she just really hates, making it a habit to give her all the things she wants done to her, or giving her everything she asks for is the breeding ground for a spoiled, indulged, and coddled brat who will soon learn that she can always get her way by manipulating you with her emotions.

Especially, in D/s relationships, it is not uncommon for a Dominant to fall in love with his submissive, and there is not anything wrong with that. Personally I wouldn’t wish to own a girl who didn’t give me reasons to fall in love with her, but the danger you have to guard against is subordinating the power exchange dynamic by treating your relationship more as a romantic arrangement between equals.

Doing so, creates a lukewarm, superficial D/s relationship that in the end will likely satisfy either of you. There is nothing wrong with granting her requests occasionally, rewarding her for good service, and doing those little things she enjoys that make her feel happy from time to time. However, a submissive also needs regular reminders of who and what her position and role in the relationship is.

What to do instead:

When you agree to let her have that new sex toy she is coveting or to indulge her desire for that special activity in the bedroom she really likes, link it to something she has done recently to please you. In other words, make it a reward for good service and let her feel she has earned it.

Doing that will prevent her from developing a sense of entitlement and will instead cultivate in her a firm understanding that she doesn’t own you, you own her.

This will help her grow in her submission.

2. Do not discipline:

If your submissive acts out, breaks the rules, fails to complete a chore or assignment according to your expectations, or says or does something disrespectful, you cannot overlook it and do nothing. Lack of discipline in a D/s relationship often stems again from seeing your partner more as your wife or girlfriend than as your submissive.

It is quite natural to find it hard and even to loathe having to discipline someone you love, so many dominants are disinclined to administer corrective discipline even when it is clearly warranted. They rationalize it by convincing themselves that discipline either is a negative thing that doesn’t really work or else that their submissive doesn’t need it.

This fosters in a submissive the belief that there are never any consequences for bad behavior.

That kind of situation can lead to serious problems in your relationship. Just as children thrive with boundaries and rules of behavior, so does a submissive. The need to have firmly established boundaries is something most submissive women need to feel safe, secure, and protected.

Many times they will intentionally act out not because they just feel like misbehaving but to test the boundaries to make certain they are still firmly in place.

In the absence of consequences for bad behavior, the line between good and bad can become blurred or seem non-existent and a submissive can start to feel insecure and unprotected.

What to do instead:

Set clear and consistent rules and consequences for your submissive. Make certain that she clearly understands your expectations as to what she is to do and how she is to behave. If she acts out you need to “Dom” up and mete out appropriate corrective discipline.

It does not always have to be corporal punishment. That can be effective and timely, but some submissive women enjoy things like OTK spanking, and so in such cases, using that for discipline would not be very effective.

Taking away a privilege she enjoys can be in such cases much more effective.

Do remember to talk with her and to make certain she understands why she is being disciplined and do not go overboard.

Make certain the punishment fits the crime.

3. Always make excuses for them:

When a submissive makes a mistake or breaks a rule perhaps not intentionally but out of negligence, it is always a temptation for a Dominant to feel partly responsible. I think is quite normal for anyone in a leadership position of any kind to feel that he has failed too whenever a subordinate fails. Perhaps I did not communicate the rule or expectation clearly enough, or I did not do an adequate job of training her. We want to believe in our submissive and feel like she always gives one hundred-percent effort and does her best.

This can lead us to rationalize, to make excuses for her, perhaps to even blame ourselves and take upon ourselves the responsibility for her mistake or error.

While we all want to have confidence in our submissive girls, turning a blind eye to their transgressions or living in denial is not the answer.

You must make your submissive understand she is not above the rules and that even unintentional mistakes when due to negligence have repercussions.

What to do instead:

If your submissive makes a mistake due to carelessness, negligence, or purposely disregards a rule or to meet an expectation, take the appropriate corrective action, impose discipline if it is warranted. Do explain what she did wrong and make certain she understands why she is being disciplined so she does not end up feeling you are being unfair or unreasonable.

If however, she makes an honest mistake, a situation where she was neither clearly carelessness or negligent, then perhaps instead of discipline just sitting her down and talking it out may adequately take care of the situation. The goal is always to keep her from repeating the same mistakes over and over regardless of what the causative factors were.

Often, just knowing she has disappointed you might reduce her to tears and it can seem that she has punished herself enough for a misdeed, but as mentioned earlier in the discussion about corrective discipline; do not hesitate to use it when a situation clearly calls for it.

4. Do not push her limits:

If I had to pick out the most critical responsibility that every Dominant has toward a submissive, it would be to ensure that he creates an environment where she can grow in her submission. Growth in the lifestyle is best affected by helping her to push her limits and expand her boundaries. Especially with novice submissive women, quite often they come into the lifestyle with a veritable laundry list of limits both soft and hard, things she is either reluctant or simply unwilling to try.

Many of those limits are due to lack of understanding, lack of confidence, lack of experience, or feeling intimidated by the very thought of trying some activities. Since D/s is always consensual, limits must always be respected. A submissive should never be coerced or forced to participate in an activity that she has disclosed as a limit, but especially when it comes to soft limits, they do need to be pushed.

When a submissive says some activity is a soft limit, she is not saying she absolutely will not ever do the activity under any circumstances.

She is saying not yet or that she needs for you to discuss it with her before she is asked to do it.

Thus, soft limits are especially fertile ground for expanding her boundaries and helping her to grow. If her Dominant never encourages her to push her limits, she will not grow, at least efficiently and perhaps it may prevent her from every realizing her real potential. She can become too comfortable with the “status quo” and even become resistant to attempting what is necessary to grow.

What to do instead:

It is important and proper to want you submissive to tell you what interests her and so you need to ask her that very early on but never be satisfied with her just giving you a lengthy list of all the things she wants done to her.

If she is reluctant to even discuss trying things that she finds a little intimidating or scary that you need from a relationship, then perhaps this lifestyle is not really for her. She needs to have a desire to grow and a willingness to do what is needed to experience it, but perhaps even more importantly, you need to have the will to encourage her to try new things so she can grow.

5. Setting a bad example:

Some days a submissive may not feel all that submissive, and likewise, some days a Dominant does not feel like exercising dominance. That is just human nature but as the leader, the guiding force in the relationship, a Dominant just cannot ignore his responsibility to provide guidance, supervision, and training just because it has been a hectic week at the office or he has a lot of other things on his plate and feels tired.

Just as you have expectations of your submissive like following rules and meeting needs you have, she has needs to be met and expectations of you as well.

You should always strive to lead by example.

Not living up to your responsibilities to her and the relationship sets a bad example.

If you do not fulfill your responsibilities on a consistent basis, if you do not keep your word, if you make excuses, if you talk the dominant talk but do not walk the walk, your actions will speak louder than words.

You are wrong if you think your submissive is not paying attention. If she senses you do not take your responsibilities seriously, she is likely to mimic your behavior if exposed to it frequently.

What to do instead:

Resolve to be a model example in front of your submissive.

Do not let competing interests prevent you from addressing the needs of your submissive and from giving the relationship the consistent attention it deserves.

6. Not Being Engaged:

Choosing to make a habit of working late when you don’t have to over getting home regularly in time for dinner, being irritable or short with her when she has done nothing wrong, or just plain ignoring your submissive are all examples of not being fully engaged.

A submissive woman needs to feel valued.

She needs reassurance that she is pleasing and useful.

She needs a consistent conduit through which she can express her submissive nature by obediently serving and pleasing her Dominant.

Her gift of submission earns her the right to feel you consider her worthy of your attention, respect, and affection.

A submissive cannot feel centered, safe, and protected if neglected.

She is likely to become dissatisfied, unhappy, and even depressed.

What to do instead:

Even if you have got a packed work schedule or other matters that require your attention, do not neglect your submissive or the relationship. Aim to schedule regular blocks of time dedicated to her.

Watch a movie together and allow her to revel in occupying her humble place at your feet. Allow her to pleasure you sexually. She needs your engagement.

She needs you to teach her what she must do, how she must behave, and most importantly, she needs you to remind her who and what she really is, your valued possession.
Author: Unknown