Tag Archives: help

A Desperate Blast

Wicked Grounds is one of two kink cafes in the entire country.

For many in the Bay Area community, it’s so much more than that.

Wicked Grounds is this safe haven in a sea of chaos. It’s where many in the Bay get their first taste of kink. Through Wicked, there are classes, munches, demonstrations, podcasts, and talks. There are leaders of the kink and leather community gathering and talking while sipping Caffeinatrixes and munching on pizza bagles. There’s me in my red chair, for what it’s worth, playing cards every week with pain in the ass James while our friends gather and get ready for BaGG.

There’s the safety of knowing that you can walk in and change into lingerie, or fetish gear, or even go topless on a hot day and be okay. There are baristas that put up with WAY too much and take care of their community in ways that we patrons don’t have words for. There’s Mir, the owner/leader of the kinky, queer revolution that put their all into a dream trying to make it happen and hustled unlike any creature has hustled before.

Wicked battles one of the greatest foes known to man right now… the price of rent in SoMA (South of Market), a trendy neighborhood in downtown San Francisco. For months we have watched our backup hang out spots close down (one big one being Brainwash cafe and laundramat). We’ve clung to the haven that is Wicked Grounds, the sanctuary of the wood floor, mismatched tables and chairs, comfy couch that most of us have snuck at least one orgasm on… The safety of it. The people inside. In a world that terrifies us, with a president running the country that would love to erradicate our culture, Wicked Grounds was safety. It was a place to cry, mourn, and hold one another after the election. It was a place to celebrate leather pride and dream ideas like a leather district in downtown SF. I have.. more memories than I can count in that place.

Wicked Grounds gave me my community. My first munch, I met ZebraJim. I met with my first Dominant, Kane, there. After Smith did his damage and Kane stepped back it was to Wicked Grounds that I ran for healing, eager to be around my people but not ready to dive back into the citadel and play parties. I wanted classes, education, munches…warmth. It was at Wicked Grounds that I ended up knelt next to James that day he left his first bite marks in my neck, and so many times at Wicked I have knelt at the feet of James, Chris, Ryan, and even Grey.

Wicked Grounds is the epicenter of our community. We’ve fought for it for nine years, and now it’s in very real danger of disappearing forever. They’ve all but shut down, and have plans to shut their doors forever tomorrow… However the owner, opened up their Patreon again this morning.

Mir laid out exactly what they need to stay in business. 20,000 to get throught the month and 15,000 in Patreon pledges through month. If it sounds like an astronomical amount that’s because it is.. welcome to SoMA. The reach of Wicked Grounds is near and far.. They have a kink education podcast, they started posting newsletters… They were just starting to lead the kinky, queer revolution.

Please, if you can, help this magical place. One of the pledges is literally a dollar a month. I plan on giving all I can to this place on Friday when I get paid. We have the next few days to try to bring a unique, beautiful place back from the brink of death.

Please, help us save our kink. Help us save a huge part of the San Francisco community and a legendary part of leather culture. Help us save Wicked Grounds.

Yours, desperate and pleading

-Rene

https://www.patreon.com/wickedgrounds

 

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Day 28

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28) Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that.

We are human, submissives and Dominants. Sometimes we wish we weren’t. I know that there is a part of myself that always wants to be the BEST submissive possible, to please him more than anyone else has.

I am going to start this question off by answering the last part of it. I have never thought my decision to submit was a mistake. Never. It is as natural to me as breathing. It is a part of myself I shoved away for a very long time. I may make mistakes in that submission from time to time, but do I regret deciding to be who and what I am at any point in time? No. I am what I am. And to be honest, I love what I am. I have doubts about myself constantly…but not about my ability to submit or my skills as a submissive. It is the one place where I am completely sure of myself.

I had parts of my submission criticized, very early on. Very, VERY early on, back when Cal was still mentoring me. His girlfriend at the time decided that I was a threat to her, and my poor friend was so enthralled by the woman that he didn’t see for a long time just how much he was being manipulated. Every time I saw him, it was with her as well, so that we could never talk privately. At the time I was a little bit of a mess.. I was growing up, feeling those aches and pains of the first time you stand on your own two feet away from any outside help. I was scared, and just needed someone to tell me that it was going to be okay so that I could keep going. When we were alone, or when we talked privately, he reassured me that this was a normal part of growing up, and that this too shall pass and I would be okay. He would then list fifty thousand logical next steps that would short-circuit my panic button and make everything better. When I saw him with her, however… She noticed when I was upset and jumped at the chance to make it worse, telling me I wasn’t prepared to be in a relationship with someone of his age and experience, and that I should just move on.. She was right about the relationship, but I didn’t WANT a relationship, I wanted a teacher… She spent a good couple of months telling me I was a horrible submissive and would never learn to be one properly. Eventually I stopped talking to her and my friend, because I couldn’t fucking take it.

As for my submission letting me down.. The end with Kane. It wasn’t his fault, it wasn’t mine.. It was both of us stretching something out that should have been left behind and miscommunication all the while. He kept trying to tell me that he could no longer be what I needed… but he couldn’t find the words. He would try it gingerly, not fully wanting to let me go just as much as I didn’t want him to let me go.. And I misheard him time and time again. Every time he said “You deserve so much better.” I would go no no no. I don’t want better I want you… Subby mind was just too devoted to here Dominant. I loved being his. I loved wearing his collar… He gave me Disney. He gave me my first taste of feeling cherished, being someone’s princess… and I loved it. Letting go of that, even knowing that it was the right thing to do, was a heartbreaking process. Even then, it took me months to take off the collar. I felt at war with myself, pulling apart my day collar. I had to take it off myself because he didn’t have time to see me..but it felt horrible. It felt disloyal. I now understand why being properly released is so important. Because otherwise a submissive will eat themselves alive for doing something that they know is right but feels so wrong.

Phew.. Okay. That was a loaded one that brought up much emotional baggage… I’m going to go and pick out my dungeon outfit for this evening… Nothing like corsets and stilettos to make the night better.

As always, yours

-Rene

Please (A Request for Help)

A long time ago, I called myself an artist. My life was in the studio, covered in clay and content. The demons in my mind were quiet because I could express them through my hands. I was content. I was at peace. I couldn’t imagine doing anything else.

Life gets in the way of artist dreams a lot. Student loans soon took priority over studio nights, rent payments becoming more important than food, no matter art supplies..

There are few people that I know that are brave enough to put their artist dreams first and try to live off of what they do.. and few people more talented than the stubborn brute I’m writing about now.

I have seen Michael go days without food in order to put gas in his tank so that he could drive to San Francisco from Napa (where he lives) for a shoot. He shoots at Bondage-a-Go-Go, an event at a club in San Francisco, every week where he will take any pictures anyone asks for, put them up for public use..and doesn’t get paid. He runs on tips for both that and Sinner’s Sanctum, a once-a-month club event in the North Bay. You can also find him shooting at parties at San Francisco’s Citadel, where debauchery is much encouraged..and also tips. Because, again, he doesn’t get paid for what he does.

The man goes above and beyond because he loves what he does. He stays up..and up…and up… putting social life and sleep on hold to edit shoots that have priority (even if it’s for trade and not for pay). He will overdraft his bank account to acquire the proper props requested for shoots, will spend days scouting for the perfect locations, and will put his body at risk (and often push it too far..stubborn bull) to get the perfect shots required.

In summary, the man is damn dedicated to what he does, often to the detriment of his own health, because he loves what he does that much. He doesn’t have much in the way of formal training, but he has what can’t be taught. A good eye and heck of a lot of drive… He reminds me what it’s like to love what you do so much that you live for it, that of course it comes before everything else.

Life gets in the way for people, even people as driven as Michael.. Maybe especially people as driven as him. And so I’m writing here, telling you what this man will go through to do what he loves, and saying that he needs our help and support. This talented man is in a bind, and knowing him he’s doing everything he can to get himself out of it. This means minimal food, driving only when he has to…because gas is an expensive thing…and just planning, and thinking and plotting. Setting up the next shoot. Seeing how on earth he can make what he needs to make the next shoot possible…

Help comes in the form of us, internet peoples. I get that everyone is pinching their purse strings right now. I know this well, and have been doing it myself to a scary degree… But finding someone this damn dedicated to what he does in this day and age is rare.

Please, check out his work: http://www.michaelsundinphotography.com/

…and even more please, check out his gofundme: https://www.gofundme.com/5xkee8

He’s trying to get together $400 more dollars for a photoshoot that would do damn good for his business.. One he’s not getting paid for, but he’s doing for the clients to make them super comfortable before any sort of big paid shoot. I know we’re all pinching pennies.. I’m having to do it to a scary degree myself. This is one of those “anything helps” situations..where that spare $10 would make a huge difference.

If you can, please help support someone who’s a heck of a lot braver than me.

Thanks for your time. Normally scheduled kinky fuckery will resume shortly

-Rene

The Man That Came Back

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I love Rocky Horror nights.

I grew up with Rocky Horror. I’ve gone to shows in five different cities across the country, helped out in a few crews, had a couple very brief appearances as Colombia on one cast when I was skinny enough to pull it off, and know every single damn thing you’re supposed to scream at the screen by heart.

I love Rocky Horror nights even more when they’re James’s Rocky Horror nights. His friends are awesome, the show is entertaining, it gets me to actually talk a little bit to people.. and I get actual alone time with my boyfriend.

I enjoy BaGG with James. I enjoy sitting in the back of the Citadel with him watching him take photos. I enjoy Wicked Grounds with him… But time alone with him is a special treat. It’s what makes my heart race and gets those stupid, silly grins plastered on my face, for no other reason other than we talk.. No filter, no one else butting in, just us. We go off on tangents, and smile, and laugh, and have inside jokes, and it makes Rocky Horror fifty thousand times more enjoyable.

And I LOVE Rocky Horror as is.

And so, at the end of the night of giggles and snuggles and kisses..and a little bit of kinky fuckery (because, let’s face it, it’s us) I said goodnight to my Sir and slipped inside smiling. It was late, but my landlord keeps odd hours, and it was also the first of the month. So I ran upstairs to give him my rent check.

He was stoned off his ass..and I’m not saying that in a mean way. I am very 4/20 friendly. But he..was no longer coherent. He told me when I gave him my check that what he was about to say had nothing to do with the check. He said he grew up in this house, that he had had a hard week, and that things were changing. That, because of a feeling, he was giving me my 60 days notice. He would meet with me tomorrow to discuss with me.

I was stunned. Shell shocked. I briefly begged for my apartment back out of sheer terror before my landlord sent me downstairs.

I vaguely remember fumbling for my phone. I don’t call James. I text him, quite happily, on a regular basis and poke him if he gets lost in Workland too long, but I don’t call. We’re both awkward as hell on the phone, we see each other a couple times a week normally, text a lot… I don’t call. Somehow, in my shell-shocked state I called him.

I was shaking, and crying. I needed him… That is a sickening feeling for me. Needing someone. I take great pride in being able to function perfectly well on my own. I clean up my own messes. I keep my life together. I get by on the skin of my teeth sometimes but dammit I get by. Normally the pride and that little bit of logic that I have keeps me from doing things like dialing my boyfriend’s number and sobbing into the phone until he turns around and drives back to my notapartment. Normally I wouldn’t have let him see me sobbing at all.

I have no memory of that lovely gap of time between after the phone call and before he came back. The next thing I remember after calling him was clinging to him and sobbing. He didn’t shrink, he didn’t drive away. He held me.. he calmed me down. I went from being alone and scared to being surrounded by warmth and safety and a calm voice telling me logical next steps. Post on Fetlife. Go on Craigslist. Post on Facebook. Put up specifics for him to re-post.

He let me ramble. I hiccuped and cried and shook and got his shirt all wet..I kept him up later when he had to go home for breakfast. He snuggled and kissed and nuzzled and talked to me in that voice that turns me into a melted puddle of warm and fuzzy. The voice that only comes out when we’re on our own. It’s the tone that goes along with things like kissing me on top of the head or pulling me to his chest, so that my head rests right under his chin…

When I would have worked myself up again he had me meet his eyes, focus on him. “Hey. It’s going to be alright. You know why? Because I said so.”

That was about where it dawned on me, in my sniffily state as I stood in his arms. He came back. He actually came back. I looked up at him, a little in awe, and ask him why.

He shrugged, his arms still around me. “You called…”

That’s never happened to me before… someone coming back like that.. The closest I came to a crisis with Kane was finding a cockroach in my bed and freaking out. I had called him, just wanting to hear his voice so that I could calm down and he sent me to voicemail, because it was too late and he needed his sleep for work tomorrow. James had to drive over an hour back to his place.. It was nearly dawn as it was. He could have told me just to go to sleep. My mind would have calmed down eventually, just as it did with the cockroach. Ewwww cockroach.

James came back.. He didn’t run when I freaked out. He calmed me down, gave me logical next steps, and made my racing mind slow down enough for me to actually see that it would be okay.

Something like this is… stressful, intimidating, and trying. I fall into routines really easily and like the comfort of routines. It’s easy to become complacent. To get used to a ‘normal’, and I admit that I have. I like my dinky little apartment… but there are some serious pros to moving. Poe no longer constantly getting fleas (and by constantly I mean he’s gotten four flea baths, been professionally groomed, the apartment has been bombed 3 times, he’s had 3 doses of Advantage and wears a flea collar… the struggle is real), my boyfriend not having to pop off a wheel to get in and out of my place.. Actually being able to shower with my boyfriend. Him not getting into a fight with my bathroom every time he comes over…

Dare I hope for a bath tub? Dare I dream? Ohhh bubble baths from time to time would be so nice…

And a non-psycho landlord who isn’t half out of his mind most of the time would be a huge plus.

I hope for positive things. Good changes.

Now to continue packing up my apartment, stalking Craigslist, and searching Fetlife for more kink friendly housing.

And just because Poe and I could really use a new home.. I’m looking for a room in the San Francisco Bay area. About $1000 a month budget. Must be cat friendly because of Poe. Kink friendly and wheelchair accessible both pluses. `If anyone knows of anything… Contacting me is definitely okay.

It’ll all be okay.. I have faith.. And in reality I am a very lucky girl.. I love who I belong to. I actually have a man who cares enough to come back when I need him…

How could things not end up being okay?

Yours, as always,

~Rena

The Shrinking Man

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I love the Dominant men I’m involved with, in their different ways for the different relationships I have with them. I’ve gotten the closest to three; the man that found me, the man that owns me, and the man that pushes me. Each relationship is radically different from the last, with different levels of closeness.

Despite all the differences between the men and the relationships I’ve had with them they, along with most Dominant men I’ve met, have had a common trait; one that often clashes with the submissives in their care.

Submissives, by nature, are made to share. To be emotionally honest. To share every last detail, last thought, with the Dominant men in their lives so that the Dominants can be assured that their submissive is healthy, physically and emotionally, and that this relationship is still okay for both of them. In essence, we talk a lot. We share a lot. We can yammer until we’re blue in the face, especially if we’re nervous (just ask Kane…).

Dominants, from my experience, tend to do the opposite. They take any emotional burdens in on themselves. They want to process through emotional stuff on their own. Smith gave me the term “shrinking man”. He’s admitted to shrinking when he’s upset, or going through a hard time. He pulls away, gets quiet. Trying to balance and talk to submissives turns into another emotional burden, making the situation worse.

There’s nothing wrong with not being an emotional talker, with not wanting to express every last emotion and empty out what’s going on in your head. It’s just such a different approach than most submissives take on communication and processing emotions. This can be a bit of a mental mindfuck for subs, especially inexperienced ones.

This journal entry hits close to home for me.. it’s something I personally struggle with, seeing those I care about in emotional turmoil but being unable to help as they help me. A Dominant’s job is to be able to put together all the pieces of their submissive. To know what makes them tick. Know what their triggers are. In that knowledge, they ease their submissive during tough times more so than anyone else. Kane is the first man to see me at my worst, my most depressed, and know exactly how to bring me back from the emo ball of doom that I was in. He did it so easily, so effortlessly, that I hadn’t even noticed what he was doing until after, when I was curled up in his arms and my mood was 20 times lighter.

As a submissive, it’s hard not to feel like a failure when you can’t do the same for your Dominant, or a Dominant in your life. We want to make everything better, to please, it’s a need for us. We need to make it better… or we’re not doing our job, right?

Wrong. This can be the HARDEST thing for a submissive to process. Submissives, who are groomed to be emotionally open and pleasing and cause pleasure for those they care for and trust.

Sometimes you just can’t make it better, and that’s okay.

You, as a submissive, are not a failure if you can’t pull a Dominant in your life out of his funk or mood. It’s hard, because your focus is on them, You get pleasure from their pleasure..and if there is no pleasure for them… falling into their spiral of unhappiness is all too easy. “Why should you be happy” the bad voices say “if they aren’t? Why should you do well, take care of yourself, when you can’t take care of them?”

Because, in the end, taking care of yourself is your job. Yes, you gain pleasure from pleasing Dominants. Yes, I’m sure you care about the Doms in your life, probably even love some of them, or all of them, or one of them. Maybe you only have one spectacular Dominant man in your life who owns you, and you completely come undone for him. Maybe you have other players in the band who don’t have quite that much power over you, but let you come undone all the same. No matter how many men you have holding the flogger in the wings, you are, in the end, your Dominant’s prized possession. If you are not in working order, not taking care of yourself, you cause so much more harm than good.

The easiest way to help a Dominant who cares about you is to care for yourself. Keep going, Don’t shrink when he does, but don’t push either. Continue with your day to day life and do things that make you happy. Keep yourself okay, so that when they’re okay again you’re emotionally healthy enough to really be in their lives. It’s okay to be supportive, to let them know that you are there if they want to talk, or lean on you.. or, you know, beat some of their frustrations out on you if that’s your thing. But it needs to be okay with you, subby sub, if they say “Thank you, but I have to get through this on my own.” It’s not personal, it’s not against you. You are not a bad submissive. Your Dominant is just human, just like you are. Humans have flaws; cracks in their armor, even humans you worship, kneel in front of, and beg to use you for their pleasure. Dominants are not gods.

Polyamory adds a whole other twist to the mental mindfuck of pleasing the Shrinking Man. My friend says often that polyamory helps make you a better you, and that each partner helps bring out different parts of yourself. That may mean that when Mr. Domly Dom goes into shrink mode he turns to another partner instead of you.

This is not a personal attack, subby sub. You are in that person’s care for a reason. They play with you, or date you, or do wonderfully wicked things to you, or snuggle with you, for a reason. If you are in their lives, you hold importance to them and you have to remember that. Polyamory is a juggling act, making sure that every partner feels special and unique and secure in their particular relationship with you. That particular relationship may mean that another partner shoulders the heavier emotions so that your particular relationship with Dommy Dom remains healthy.

I have heard it said, and have said myself, that being a Dominant is a damn hard job. Supporting your submissive, anticipating their needs, and thinking of 12 different outcomes to one event is hard work. But being a submissive can be hard as well. It takes courage to submit, and strength in knowing when to submit and when to merely support. Don’t let the shrinking scare you off from the Dommy Dom, and please don’t read this thinking that all Doms shrink. Hopefully, this will just help a couple subs navigate emotionally choppy waters if it does happen. If you support the people in your lives, and still manage to support yourself, you are a good submissive. Keep going. Things will get better.

Yours hopefully helpful,

Rena

A Tidbit From Tumblr

I fully admit that I have become a bit of a Tumblr junky. I go on to look at all things BDSM and kinky, and from time to time a gem will appear on my feed.

Tonight was one of those nights. I was keeping myself occupied by cleaning, organizing, and all around being an internet junky while Sir is away..and I found this.

Note: I am not the author of this and claim no ownership of it. This came from Tumblr, and was shared by someone I follow called the-quiet-dominant. I thought it was worth sharing through something other than Tumblr, which is why I’m reposting it here. I will write a blog of my own in the next couple of days..which should be an adventure. Until then, enjoy.

Yours Enlightened,

Rena

Ways to Ruin Your Subs

Note …… yes the following uses He for Dom and she for sub …. but can we please pretend its gender fluid for arguments sake

A submissive does not come with an instruction manual and there is no such thing as a perfect Dominant.

You can read every lifestyle book you can get your hands on, talk to other experienced Dominants and subs, and attend lifestyle workshops; yet you can still be left with a nagging feeling that you don’t always get it exactly right.

Perhaps you know lots of the DO’s when it comes to the training and care of a submissive, but have you ever wished you had a list of the DON’Ts?

Even if you think you’re doing your best, sometimes it might not be enough, take a look at this list of six (6) sure-fire ways to spoil your submissive.

NOTE: This is my personal view.

Six (6) Dominant mistakes that will spoil your submissive and can ruin your relationship:

1. Surrender:

No matter what your submissive wants, she gets it. Whether it is that shiny new sex toy she found online, letting her off the hook for that chore she just really hates, making it a habit to give her all the things she wants done to her, or giving her everything she asks for is the breeding ground for a spoiled, indulged, and coddled brat who will soon learn that she can always get her way by manipulating you with her emotions.

Especially, in D/s relationships, it is not uncommon for a Dominant to fall in love with his submissive, and there is not anything wrong with that. Personally I wouldn’t wish to own a girl who didn’t give me reasons to fall in love with her, but the danger you have to guard against is subordinating the power exchange dynamic by treating your relationship more as a romantic arrangement between equals.

Doing so, creates a lukewarm, superficial D/s relationship that in the end will likely satisfy either of you. There is nothing wrong with granting her requests occasionally, rewarding her for good service, and doing those little things she enjoys that make her feel happy from time to time. However, a submissive also needs regular reminders of who and what her position and role in the relationship is.

What to do instead:

When you agree to let her have that new sex toy she is coveting or to indulge her desire for that special activity in the bedroom she really likes, link it to something she has done recently to please you. In other words, make it a reward for good service and let her feel she has earned it.

Doing that will prevent her from developing a sense of entitlement and will instead cultivate in her a firm understanding that she doesn’t own you, you own her.

This will help her grow in her submission.

2. Do not discipline:

If your submissive acts out, breaks the rules, fails to complete a chore or assignment according to your expectations, or says or does something disrespectful, you cannot overlook it and do nothing. Lack of discipline in a D/s relationship often stems again from seeing your partner more as your wife or girlfriend than as your submissive.

It is quite natural to find it hard and even to loathe having to discipline someone you love, so many dominants are disinclined to administer corrective discipline even when it is clearly warranted. They rationalize it by convincing themselves that discipline either is a negative thing that doesn’t really work or else that their submissive doesn’t need it.

This fosters in a submissive the belief that there are never any consequences for bad behavior.

That kind of situation can lead to serious problems in your relationship. Just as children thrive with boundaries and rules of behavior, so does a submissive. The need to have firmly established boundaries is something most submissive women need to feel safe, secure, and protected.

Many times they will intentionally act out not because they just feel like misbehaving but to test the boundaries to make certain they are still firmly in place.

In the absence of consequences for bad behavior, the line between good and bad can become blurred or seem non-existent and a submissive can start to feel insecure and unprotected.

What to do instead:

Set clear and consistent rules and consequences for your submissive. Make certain that she clearly understands your expectations as to what she is to do and how she is to behave. If she acts out you need to “Dom” up and mete out appropriate corrective discipline.

It does not always have to be corporal punishment. That can be effective and timely, but some submissive women enjoy things like OTK spanking, and so in such cases, using that for discipline would not be very effective.

Taking away a privilege she enjoys can be in such cases much more effective.

Do remember to talk with her and to make certain she understands why she is being disciplined and do not go overboard.

Make certain the punishment fits the crime.

3. Always make excuses for them:

When a submissive makes a mistake or breaks a rule perhaps not intentionally but out of negligence, it is always a temptation for a Dominant to feel partly responsible. I think is quite normal for anyone in a leadership position of any kind to feel that he has failed too whenever a subordinate fails. Perhaps I did not communicate the rule or expectation clearly enough, or I did not do an adequate job of training her. We want to believe in our submissive and feel like she always gives one hundred-percent effort and does her best.

This can lead us to rationalize, to make excuses for her, perhaps to even blame ourselves and take upon ourselves the responsibility for her mistake or error.

While we all want to have confidence in our submissive girls, turning a blind eye to their transgressions or living in denial is not the answer.

You must make your submissive understand she is not above the rules and that even unintentional mistakes when due to negligence have repercussions.

What to do instead:

If your submissive makes a mistake due to carelessness, negligence, or purposely disregards a rule or to meet an expectation, take the appropriate corrective action, impose discipline if it is warranted. Do explain what she did wrong and make certain she understands why she is being disciplined so she does not end up feeling you are being unfair or unreasonable.

If however, she makes an honest mistake, a situation where she was neither clearly carelessness or negligent, then perhaps instead of discipline just sitting her down and talking it out may adequately take care of the situation. The goal is always to keep her from repeating the same mistakes over and over regardless of what the causative factors were.

Often, just knowing she has disappointed you might reduce her to tears and it can seem that she has punished herself enough for a misdeed, but as mentioned earlier in the discussion about corrective discipline; do not hesitate to use it when a situation clearly calls for it.

4. Do not push her limits:

If I had to pick out the most critical responsibility that every Dominant has toward a submissive, it would be to ensure that he creates an environment where she can grow in her submission. Growth in the lifestyle is best affected by helping her to push her limits and expand her boundaries. Especially with novice submissive women, quite often they come into the lifestyle with a veritable laundry list of limits both soft and hard, things she is either reluctant or simply unwilling to try.

Many of those limits are due to lack of understanding, lack of confidence, lack of experience, or feeling intimidated by the very thought of trying some activities. Since D/s is always consensual, limits must always be respected. A submissive should never be coerced or forced to participate in an activity that she has disclosed as a limit, but especially when it comes to soft limits, they do need to be pushed.

When a submissive says some activity is a soft limit, she is not saying she absolutely will not ever do the activity under any circumstances.

She is saying not yet or that she needs for you to discuss it with her before she is asked to do it.

Thus, soft limits are especially fertile ground for expanding her boundaries and helping her to grow. If her Dominant never encourages her to push her limits, she will not grow, at least efficiently and perhaps it may prevent her from every realizing her real potential. She can become too comfortable with the “status quo” and even become resistant to attempting what is necessary to grow.

What to do instead:

It is important and proper to want you submissive to tell you what interests her and so you need to ask her that very early on but never be satisfied with her just giving you a lengthy list of all the things she wants done to her.

If she is reluctant to even discuss trying things that she finds a little intimidating or scary that you need from a relationship, then perhaps this lifestyle is not really for her. She needs to have a desire to grow and a willingness to do what is needed to experience it, but perhaps even more importantly, you need to have the will to encourage her to try new things so she can grow.

5. Setting a bad example:

Some days a submissive may not feel all that submissive, and likewise, some days a Dominant does not feel like exercising dominance. That is just human nature but as the leader, the guiding force in the relationship, a Dominant just cannot ignore his responsibility to provide guidance, supervision, and training just because it has been a hectic week at the office or he has a lot of other things on his plate and feels tired.

Just as you have expectations of your submissive like following rules and meeting needs you have, she has needs to be met and expectations of you as well.

You should always strive to lead by example.

Not living up to your responsibilities to her and the relationship sets a bad example.

If you do not fulfill your responsibilities on a consistent basis, if you do not keep your word, if you make excuses, if you talk the dominant talk but do not walk the walk, your actions will speak louder than words.

You are wrong if you think your submissive is not paying attention. If she senses you do not take your responsibilities seriously, she is likely to mimic your behavior if exposed to it frequently.

What to do instead:

Resolve to be a model example in front of your submissive.

Do not let competing interests prevent you from addressing the needs of your submissive and from giving the relationship the consistent attention it deserves.

6. Not Being Engaged:

Choosing to make a habit of working late when you don’t have to over getting home regularly in time for dinner, being irritable or short with her when she has done nothing wrong, or just plain ignoring your submissive are all examples of not being fully engaged.

A submissive woman needs to feel valued.

She needs reassurance that she is pleasing and useful.

She needs a consistent conduit through which she can express her submissive nature by obediently serving and pleasing her Dominant.

Her gift of submission earns her the right to feel you consider her worthy of your attention, respect, and affection.

A submissive cannot feel centered, safe, and protected if neglected.

She is likely to become dissatisfied, unhappy, and even depressed.

What to do instead:

Even if you have got a packed work schedule or other matters that require your attention, do not neglect your submissive or the relationship. Aim to schedule regular blocks of time dedicated to her.

Watch a movie together and allow her to revel in occupying her humble place at your feet. Allow her to pleasure you sexually. She needs your engagement.

She needs you to teach her what she must do, how she must behave, and most importantly, she needs you to remind her who and what she really is, your valued possession.
Author: Unknown

Recluse

Oh boy. Oh boy… ohhh boy.

This will be a long post. I apologize for this.

I got back to San Francisco about two weeks ago from a FANTASTIC trip home. The only thing missing was Kane.

It was an odd feeling for me, missing someone as much as I did when I was only away for a week and a half. It just..felt like he should be there for everything. Like he belong there, and would have enjoyed it. I wanted to share my old haunts with him; my childhood hideaways and my loves. I sent videos and photos of my childhood home to him, showing more to him than I have to anyone in a long time, sharing pieces of myself that I have held tight and guarded for way too long.

Regardless, I had to returned. I returned to a week without him and two weeks of hell at work.

I very rarely discuss my work on this blog because it involves childcare..and childcare and BDSM rarely mix well. I had been hired as one thing, and gradually throughout the months I had watched my position slowly crumble to a mere shadow of itself and began dreading going to work. My duties were never the same day to day. They began to change radically, drifting into a realm that were not at all involved in my job description.

Poor Kane. The man had the patience of a saint with me this week. He got double whammied with a girlfriend/submissive that had her period AND severe work problems. The anxiety was so bad that I found myself unable to get into the submissive mindset at all.

I have not gone to a play party in a month and a half. A month was because of other commitments. Two weeks have been by my choice. Last night I could have gone with Kane if I had truly wanted to. He would have happily taken me to the Citadel and put me on one of the crosses that I love. He would have used the purple suede flogger on me first, to warm up, and perhaps teased me with the rabbit fur flogger so much that I fantasize about curling up in bed and snuggling it like a stuffed animal… Then the thud and sting of the red leather flogger would have started, with an added weight that the other two pieces lack… In an idea world he would have hit me in a steady rhythm that I count in my mind like a dance count, getting lost in the strikes until I’m pushed so high I’m flying… Mmmm…

A shiver of pleasure just went up my spine. I miss that. I crave that. But for the past couple weeks it’s almost like my submissive side has been hibernating…and it is a large part of who I am as a person. A large part that has been missing. I was shocked when I came back from my trip and Kane bent me over for a spanking for the first time..because it HURT. I cried. My pain tolerance was gone, pathetic to a point that made my heart sink. I had built it up quite a bit before I left, and I wasn’t gone long.. around ten days. Kane and I had been playing in private and public on a regular basis, almost nightly, and I was shocked when the thing that had given me so much pleasure caused me actual pain. Not the buzzed pain.. the bad pain. THE FUCK???

What was I doing wrong? Why couldn’t I get there? I thought part of it was Kane and I playing at my place. My little in law apartment is always in a state of chaos. I’m there maybe one week out of the month on average, mostly just spending the weekend. The rest of the time I’m at Kane’s with him…and so I’ve never actually fully unpacked. It’s not a home, it’s a resting place in chaos. When I’m with him there it feels like home. I thought that playing at my place, a place that I normally don’t associate with BDSM, coupled with he and I not spending the night together was making it harder for me to slip back into the submissive mindset. I was definitely his horny little girlfriend, and the sex was fantastic… but I just couldn’t get there.

This surprising week of short play was the prelude to the week from hell of work.. combine the two and it was a recipe for disaster. The FLOGGER hurt me when Kane put it to my skin. I found my mind wandering and had to constantly bring myself back. I didn’t want to strip. Didn’t want to see myself naked. I spent way too much time crying, which is something I absolutely hate doing.

Kane is an incredible boyfriend, I will say that frankly. His ability to comfort me, to make me feel safe and have me believe that everything will actually work out. I have my spot as a girlfriend, curled up on the couch with him. I lean into his side and put my head on the nook in his shoulder and he drapes his arm around me. There is my safety spot, where nothing can touch me. And there is where I’ve been hiding.

I’ve dealt with depression all of my life. Major depressive disorder runs in my family. My dad has it, my grandmother has it, etc. It’s not constant with me, it spikes when I get anxious or when the road gets rocky. Combine that with hormones of the month and…yeah. I was bad. Even in the environment of Kane’s apartment with him I just couldn’t get there. I didn’t want to go on fetlife, didn’t want to see my kinky friends, and just wanted Kane. I wanted my rock, my safety, my assurance that even though my job was miserable and the progress of our relationship meant things would get worse before they got better that everything really would be okay.

He causes old feelings to surface that I had forgotten existed.. It’s been a long time since I talked about marriage and kids with anyone. I don’t do that. Don’t trust people enough to lift up my walls and reveal the girly squishy bits of myself. Kane continually breaks down my walls. We’re in too deep at this point, and are set on a future with one another. With kids… though marriage seems to be arguable.

Last night was the culmination of KABOOM that has become my life. My work had become unbearable. My hours got changed and cut yet again, and my duties had become out right illegal. I quit, knowing that if nothing else I own a car (that was in the shop with a check engine light on. It turned out to all be fine but it was definitely an added stresser) and was halfway to starting up Lyft, which I could live off of easily if I worked the hours that Kane was at work. I love driving, and I love talking to people so the job would be easy for me. And I was sick of crying.

This turned Kane into a stress ball…which I hate seeing. He thinks of every possible outcome, and the more he thinks the more he shuts down and just doesn’t communicate. He doesn’t want to stress me out with his worries which just stresses me out and I worry more…it’s a cycle of stress that ends in both of us breaking, and that’s exactly what happened. I broke first, sobbing at something silly. He shut down because he thought I blamed him for the entire situation..when I just hated the situation in general.

It ended in he and I going for dinner and a drive and talking about some hard realities. Realities like he and his wife splitting up, but not having a time line for it. Like we want kids, but I want marriage and he will only get married if he has to. Neither of us expected to be this intense this soon, to be talking about living with each other and getting a “transition” apartment between now and his lease ending in February. But we’re here. And we’re dealing with it. And we both agree that the relationship is worth it.. which is what in the end matters.

I can hear Cal’s words echoing in my mind from time to time, advice he gave me when I first told him about Kane. Yes, fall. Yes, the relationship is worth it, but he and I will both hurt one another. And we are, we do, but we also keep each other going. We inspire one another when we’re not in mire and muck, and we come up with crazy artistic ideas that lead to other ideas that lead to amazing studio nights.

He is helping me pick up the pieces of my life, but he is not doing it while I sit on my ass. Yes, I have more financial problems than he does. Yes, he has more relationship problems than I do (that whole “I have a wife I need to hopefully separate amicably from” thing)..but we are definitely knee deep in a “we” thing. We are building a life together, piece by piece, and part of that is he and I getting our separate lives together in the ways that we must. I need a job, asap, hopefully with health insurance (which is something I lack right now..another stresser). And I need a firmer hand from Kane. I need discipline when I’m too sassy or too out of line, or don’t do what he asks me to do.

He was shocked when I mentioned this to him last night. “You don’t do what I say most of the the time. I just didn’t think you wanted that.”

“Of course I do!” I responded. “I’m a twenty four seven sub! Part of that is wanting, no, needing tasks from my dominant.” And part of that is pushing my limits. Seeing how bratty I can be before I get consequences. Kane figured that out. He set rules.

Now, after this long long LONG blog post that has followed an even longer week, progress is being made in my vanilla life and in my BDSM life. Next week I WILL go to the play party at the Citadel, and will dive back into munches again. I will reach out to friends I’ve been shunning in between applying to fifty million jobs. And most importantly I will work with my dominant. I will scene with him. I will build my pain tolerance back up and fall back into the steady rhythm and embrace of the flogger Kane wields. I will fly again, sometime soon.

Finally, I’m feeling better.

Yours coming out of hibernation

~Rena

The “We’ Thing

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I really, really thought I was used to this. I had gotten used to Sir always being there to talk, or a text away if I needed him. I had gotten used to not feeling guilty about reaching out when I needed it. 

And then I pulled away. Not him, me. It’s part of my art insanity, that fine line, and I go from letting others in and enjoying the ‘we’ness of things to “OH SHIT I NEED TO GET ALL OF THIS DONE AND PACKED AND DEALT WITH AND AAAARRRGGGHHH” explode.

The “I’ overwhelms the we every time. 

Normally during this time of year, I am an antisocial turtle. I dive into my work, get what I need to get done DONE, kick ass, break a bit along the way, and then emerge triumphantly (if not slightly zombie-ish and hankering for brains) from the ashes. Pulling away is survival mode for me this time of year because no one has ever been there before. It’s just a give in. I will be alone. I will have to get this done. I can do this. 

I got a job yesterday, an amazing job that I can’t wait to start, which is allowing me to stay in San Francisco for another year and actually be able to save up and afford grad school (which I have to go to. I promised both my parents and Sir that I would go, and I don’t break promises). This is great…but this leads to a whole other set of worries. Like getting my car out here from New Jersey and dealing with all the paperwork involving that. Finding a new apartment with a little bit of breathing room..unlike the shoe box I currently occupy, and a place to park said car. Figuring out what I can afford in rent when I will be tacking on car insurance and gas. Oh, and a cat. I need to find a cat friendly apartment, because another year without Jynx is non-negotiable. 

Besides, I want to see who is more dominant, Sir or Jynx… I’m thoroughly convinced she’s a Domme in a fluffy orange body. 

Anyways, I digress. 

These are added stressors onto the normal art school clusterfuck.. What do I do with FOUR LOCKERS full of supplies, plus my pieces, once the semester is over? How do I get it all home? Where do I put it all? I already sleep with a tackle box full of chain mail links on my bed, I’m not sure where anything else is going to go. 

Of course, never in all this did I think to turn to Sir and ask for help, to talk about what was going on in my squirley little mind. No, That would be logical for someone with sanity. I’m bad at sanity. Instead, I kept quiet, thinking all these things to be my burdens as part of being self-sufficient. I didn’t want to burden him with more things when he’s already balancing me with his girlfriend, and his kids, and his job, and his…well, life. 

There are times when I no has the smarts. This was one of them.

I pushed myself, emotionally and physically, past my breaking point and into the land of numbness that is reserved mainly for masochistic creatures, such as artists. The numb feeling never lasts long; I thrive on emotion way too much to stay there, but it is a feeling I absolutely despise..because there is no feeling. I recognize it, and I want to feel something. Disgust, horror? Something. And I never do. I run on autopilot, in robot mode, getting what I must get done accomplished as I wait for the feeling to shake itself off. 

This time it was a new record. The numbness lasted maybe 12 hours, at best. Why? 

Well, Sir “we”ed me. 

The cracks had begun forming in my “I must do it all alone” armor, which always happens when speaking to Sir. He reminds me that he needs my body and my mind in good shape..and so I begin slowly fixing myself. As I fix myself, I open up more. I tell him the root of certain problems even if there is very little he can do to fix it. If nothing else, he listens..and I am exceedingly grateful for that. 

This time he did a bit more than listen. He fixed. We had begun discussing my apartment vs where I would move to in order to be closer to my new job, and he mentioned that where I am is probably safer than where I would be moving. I sighed, thinking “Great. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t”. 

“It’s not that there aren’t relatively safe places there, but we will need to be careful.” We? Wait, what? 

Bye bye, numbness. Hello curiosity.

“My friend lives out there. She can help us weed out the bad places.” 

We. Us.. Oh right.. I have help. I have support. I’m not on my own. I have a Dom that adores me and would protect me from the world if he could. Just because he gets busy doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. 

And just because I’ve dealt with this alone before doesn’t mean I have to do so now. 

Old patterns are hard to break; almost as hard as old ghosts are to expunge from your memory. But it’s doable. I don’t always have to push myself to breaking in order to create, and I certainly don’t always have to do everything on my own. It’s not weakness to ask for help or support; it’s strength, and honesty. I forget that sometimes. My pride tells me that I shouldn’t need a man for anything. That I should be completely self-sufficient on my own. 

And I can be. I pay my own bills. I found my own job. I don’t ask Sir for help with the physical functions of day to day life; buying groceries, paying rent, etc. In that he wants me to be self-sufficient. He wants me to be able to keep my head above water and have a life without him. 

It is with other things, like when I am emotionally hurting or drowning and need someone desperately that he is there, always. Even when he can’t be there physically he will give me a task to do that will calm me down, or say something that may be silly to him but makes a world of difference to me. 

I am a very, VERY lucky woman indeed. I could get used to this “we” business. 

-Rena