Tag Archives: needing

Day 25

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Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

The collar has always been a very important object to me.

I have been owned and collared once, and the feeling when I had that day collar around my neck 24/7 was… exquisite… Yes, I want that again someday. I loved the security of being able to reach down when I was away or a few days went by where I couldn’t see my Dom and have that confirmation of “Okay.. it’s here. I’m still his. I am his… yes…” I loved being able to CALL someone my Dominant. I love my Sir, but there is so much power behind that word… I also got so used to it that in the beginning with James and I, I had to bite back using the familiar term. He is my Sir right now. He dominates me, but he is not my Dominant.

What’s the difference? For him, it’s that he hasn’t completely collared me yet.

I do wear a play collar when we go to kink events. Most of the events that we go to are ones that he is at least partially working. I love watching him work, and love being at these events with him, but there have been times where he’s been in another room or in the back and a creeper has come up to me that just… doesn’t want to go away. The explanation of “I have a partner and he’s in the back doing his thing and I usually stay out here and watch and play and then he comes and takes pictures and everyone is happy.” sometimes takes too long.. I’ve out right run to find him a handful of times when I was very uncomfortable at the club and just needed my Sir.. No one is stupid enough to try anything when he’s near me. Chair or no chair, the man can be intimidating.

The collar does help though… And putting it on has become one of my favorite rituals. We started putting it on me for my comfort level in the clubs and parties he has to work.. but the intensity of our relationship changed when the collar became involved. I am owned by James, even though I’m not owned and collared 24/7, and having a physical reminder of that, something that he puts on me and takes off… Yes, it made things more intense between us.. In a good way.

On a typical Wednesday he and I get a little time to ourselves before BaGG. Sometimes we get food, sometimes it’s just snuggles in his car then snuggles in Wicked Grounds. Sometimes it’s snuggles and spanks and squeaks in Wicked Grounds.. (I love Wednesdays). Then his alarm goes off for when he has to go to the club and set up. While he gets ready to go I get the collar out of my bag, and usually hold it up rather shy and mew…

He motions for me to come closer, and I do.. on my knees. I lift my hair (usually down and pulled back, because the club gets hot but it’s fun to get hair pulled…) and he slips it around my neck and buckles it. I very quietly thank my Sir, knowing that when that collar is around my neck I won’t be able to call him “James”. Not because there’s a rule..but because that’s where my mind goes when that collar is around my neck. And after I thank him he kisses me…

I mean really kisses me.

I mean the world spins on its axis kisses me.

Taking off the collar has a similar ritual to it. I end up on my knees and I bend my head to give him access to the buckle.. and once it is off I say how sad I am, and he kisses me. And the world spins. And I am once again reminded of what a lucky little submissive I am.

We have other rituals that are less D/s related and more relationship related… One that he started early on that continues to make me smile even when I am feeling my worst is that we always end each night by wishing each other “sweet dreams”. Another that I began in order to make him smile is that each morning he gets a selfie… usually naughty, as the goal is to make the man smile, and I do aim to please.

James and I are still really new… It’s only been a few months, and rituals develop over time. But the rituals I have now, especially the collar..they make me happy.

Yours, smiling

-Rene

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Two Worlds

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I have hit the sex wall.

I didn’t know that I HAD a sex wall

But good Godde almighty I’ve hit it.

I am horny every fucking second of the day right now… I am so tightly coiled, so tense, that I think my Dominant could just look at me and I would come on the spot. And it would do NOTHING because it’s not his hands on me. Kane sent me a photo today after he got to his destination..and he was so sexy, and scruffy, and my badass biker boyfriend…

And I orgasmed. From a photo. And there was clothing. Nothing was unclothed.

…although he was REALLY fucking sexy.

….I have slammed into the proverbial sex wall.

FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME AAUUGGHHH!

I love my parents, and my sisters, and my friends and my pets here…but I need to rejoin my life. It’s been too long. This is the LONGEST I have been out of San Francisco in a year. And the longer I stay, the more I see the separation between Rena of New Jersey and Rena of San Francisco.

Rena of New Jersey is a good girl. She does not say “fuck” in front of her dad (but in front of mom it’s okay because she curses like a sailor too) because cursing isn’t ladylike. Nothing she owns is see through or sexy, and it’s all about minimizing her size, because she is fat. She eats way too much and is not nearly active enough. She loves her pets, and leaves her bedroom door open at night so her dog can sleep at the foot of her bed even though there is a strict no pets in bedrooms rule. She has a super conservative older sister that is still a virgin and will not even acknowledge anal sex as being a thing. She has one sad little vibrator that she hides in her TV stand when she isn’t home, and will not use it when her parents are home. She sleeps in a tee shirt and undies minimum, and feels dirty looking at porn.

Rena of San Francisco is kinky as all hell. She wears see through clothing and has little issue showing off her body when the parts of her that are clothed are clothed well. She is sex-positive and open, with a chest of toys and outfit devoted to BDSM play and her sexual survival. Her bookshelves are full of kinky novels, and more than two days without sexual play results in a very horny submissive. Thankfully, she has a very horny Dominant whose sexual appetite matches hers. She takes care of her cat, and has extreme guilt about leaving him for more than a couple hours (no matter 18 days…18!). She works her ass off to make it on her own and keeps herself super busy, earning her play from a lot of work. She has no shame in saying that she goes to dungeons, and that she plays on crosses and loves the kiss of the flogger. She has no shame in saying that she is poly, that she has a primary and a secondary partner, and that poly keeps her sane and balanced. She has no shame about serving her Dominant, feeling feminine and empowered when in service to him, and more herself than any other time.

San Francisco Rena has very little shame, period. She is at peace with herself and who she is becoming. New Jersey Rena is a project on hold, something left behind because she just couldn’t develop anymore.

I am so much more my San Francisco self than I ever was my Jersey self.. and while I love all of my pets equally, the amount I love myself varies radically depending on what city I am in and what stigmas are being levied against me at that moment.

The longer the parts of me are repressed, the hornier and more sexually frustrated, and then ashamed, I become. It’s not a healthy cycle..and as much as I love being with my family I am learning a hard lesson with this visit.

I can’t be here this long without a partner… without play to remind me that it’s okay to be my San Francisco self. Kink is too much a part of my life. My submissive side is just too much a part of me.

I have to fight the urge to beg Kane for play when I know he’s busy and riding. But the riding on the big fancy motorcycle just adds to sexual fantasies which just makes me horny which just makes me more worked up and…

You’re seeing the vicious cycle right?????

I don’t want to wish the rest of this trip away. I don’t want to wish the last of Kane’s trip away… But at this point no amount of orgasms is releasing the tightness in my body. I can only fantasize so much.. I need at least a voice… a face on a screen watching as I perform… something..

Okay… this time next week I will be back in San Francisco with my cat… where I can at least regain certain parts of myself that I have to hide when I’m here.

I can make it. I can make it…

If you can hear screaming, that would be me.

HOW DO I MAKE THIS TIGHTNESS GO AWAY??? AUUUGGGHHHH!!!!

I want my Dom so bad T.T *sniffle*

Yours feeling pathetic,

-Rena

Selfish…Selfless…Self-help?

Sigh. I get myself into sticky situations on a regular basis. Along with tripping over air and crashing into objects that I swear to Godde weren’t there a second ago I consider it one of my special talents.

I find myself in one now. My 23rd birthday is on Monday. As I am a baby in this world, it is my first birthday away from both of my parents and all of my old friends back east. Last year I turned 22 in Chicago and spent the day driving through Iowa and Nebraska with my daddy on my way to California to start my brave new life. … Considering the lifestyle I now live, I would definitely call the journey worth it, but until recently very lonely.

Part of that loneliness was due to me trying to turn a romantic situation into something it wasn’t for much too long. Until March I was so solely focused on Jase and he and I moving to Portland for grad school that I didn’t think to attempt to make friends in San Francisco outside of the casual acquaintances I associated with from art school (none of whom I talk to now). Jase was my stability in California… Until he wasn’t.

If it weren’t for the series of events that led to Jase and I ending any sort of romantic relationship and Cal leading me into the BDSM scene I would probably still be a very lonely antisocial turtle. Now I have friends here.. Which is fantastic, and I know that many of them would gladly take me out for a drink and then give me proper birthday beatings. I am also blessed with an amazing boyfriend and Dominant that for some reason gets great joy in spoiling me and makes me smile at least 20 times a day.

Jase and I have definitely distanced ourselves from one another. His girlfriend has great issues with my existence and there are at least three Dominant men in my life that have issues with his face being in one piece.. Along with other parts of his anatomy. But we have old traditions that flair up from time to time, and one of those traditions is a birthday visit.

We always celebrate each other’s birthdays, though often months after the actual events. I go to him or he goes to me and we go out with friends. We drink. Until recently we’ve also fucked. And so, as my birthday got closer I got the text that I was expecting yet dreading.
“Hey so for your birthday weekend you’re coming down, right?”

Of course I am. Why wouldn’t i?
Oh. Money
My relationship
His relationship
OUR RELATIONSHIP

I talked to Kane about it and expressed the normalcy of he and I seeing one another. I also mentioned that I wanted to do something fun for my birthday. I wanted to go out. Drink. Be 23. All my friends here are wonderful, but in their thirties if not very late twenties… If not older. Normally that’s who I get along better with. But sometimes a girl likes to get stupid.

And that’s when I did a stupid. A big stupid.

Kane is very hesitant about expressing ideas sometimes. He doesn’t want to seem desperate or greedy for my time. I’m very bad at saying when I want something. It’s like pulling teeth. I was raised with the mindset that if you ask for something that you are selfish and greedy. You shouldn’t have wants, and should accept that what your partner gives you is all you need.

Essentially. I was raised to believe that all men have psychic powers.

The combination of all this led to Kane proposing an honest amazing offer for what he and I could do for my birthday weekend… And me thinking it was said jokingly.

I accidentally said no to Disneyland. For a weekend drinking on Jase’s couch. GAH.

Kane went so far as to lend me the money for the way too expensive plane ticket. We finally clarified what actually went on last Saturday and I wanted to cry. What an idiot I was!

Jason promised that we would have a good time, and Kane promised that we would go to Disneyland together the next weekend he is free. Okay. Crisis averted. Maybe.

Nope. I wanted to give Jase a chance. He promised us going out and that he would cover $100 of my ticket as my birthday present. He promised we would socialize with friends and wouldn’t be alone together. Well, he texts me today saying he has to shell out a lot of cash for a driving class. I go okay… Can you still contribute to my ticket. He says no.

I then freak out. And frantically text Kane asking if it’s too late for Disney. I was going to Jase’s out of obligation. Because this is what we do and because he promised a good time. I was sacrificing my birthday to him.

Rena a year ago would have gone “okay. Fine. I’ll cover all the ticket. You just pay me the hundred when you can and I’ll still come down and pay for anything I want to do.”

Rena now is going “wait. I have other options. Do I HAVE to do this… Or can I do what I want to do?”

I am capable of being selfish. I am capable of wants. I want to have fun on my birthday and not make myself go broke doing it. I told Jase that I had to talk to Kane. That if nothing else I can come down in a month on my own dime when tickets will be cheaper and we can do my birthday then.

Jase got territorial. Saying well he can give me 50 instead of nothing if I come. Saying that we wouldn’t be able to do much since he would have 10 bucks left to entertain me, but we could drink in his apartment and watch tv. Come see me. Do what you’re supposed to.

Kane said we would look at our options tonight. That he’s committed to a presentation at 5 on Friday but other than that the possibilities are endless.

Endless possibilities. A magical birthday maybe?

Do I do what I want to do, or what I have been obligated to do for so long? Will my guilty conscience allow me to enjoy myself if I go with Kane somewhere that’s 10 minutes away from Jase and NOT see him? Will I finally have a real regret if I go see Jase and postpone magic with Kane?

There has to be some sort of compromise.

I’ll figure it out. Hell. Kane and I will figure it out. I love that I’m not alone in this.. That I have someone to pick apart my brain and tell me when I’ve truly done right or wrong.

I’m determined to have an awesome 23rd birthday dammit!!!

Rawr

-Rena